It bothers me till no end. It kills me to the point that i kept having facing the temptation of not continuing on with normal activities. I tried to persist the whole day. I tried to not let it bother me, but the thought of comparison, just makes me down again.

I dont know how i liked someone so bad when it was always my own imagination. Sheesh! I took my standpoint of making it obvious to keep others pure. I resisted so many times not letting others know., then when it did, it was totally too late. It was all timing- God's timing, that makes His ways so amazing. Though this time will be a big trial to me, only me, my fault, it is such a test for me. But i'm assured God does things in His sovereign way and timing. He allows things to happen for a reason. I know this is my "isaac" that i must lay down. I trust in his timing and His sovereignity- but i need to get over the painful emotion which is abit hard now. Give me time!

It kinda bothers me that i resisted telling you for so long and then you make the made the mistake of wanting to start a relationship? All my efforts has gone down the drain and what was i fighting for? Stupid really.

I dont want to lose the close friendship which is left to 2 or 3 now. Thats why i talk to you- i just dont want to lose the friendship.

I should stop talking abt this lest i stumble ppl le. All you need to know is i'm struggling badly. But yea its nobody else's fault and theres nothing you can do abt so. Shant talk abt it anymore in the future!

Legalism, trying to get out of a black and white view of everything

Thank God for Ben! I guess Ben put our conversation there for Him to encourage me. Everything happens for a reason, and i guess what Ben said is so encouraging. I guess i was struggling with feeling discouraged by ppl. Feeling discouraged by relationships that has all but died. I think only a few ppl are left that bothers abt me, that we keep each other accountable for stuffs. It was so sad cause i met my group of JC classmates on sat. WHen they all saw me, they act as if they saw someone they didnt know. Only 1 fren was like talking to me. It's so saddening la. The group of fren's i used to hang out with?? Haiz. I guess hearing what ppl think abt me really discouraged me also. You know plus the things happening. The world suddenly became a pale black and white. Everything has lost its colour and joy. There is nothing to be glad abt suddenly. No meets up to look forward to. No ppl that seems of value. But Ben says this. He claims that he has a problem with everyone- every single person on this earth. If you look at man, you will definitely be discouraged. Billy Graham, possibly one of the greatest evangelist in the history of mankind, actually now claims that Buddha is Jesus Christ! He says that if any pastor/preacher/ppl you respect were to confess all their sins to you, you might be stumbled. Because we are great sinners. Paul calls himself the greatest of sinners! A man like Paul? Lol. Ppl can judge you all they like. But dont care, just strive to change, and not be affected by it. See it as God telling you that you're making this mistake, and change it, rather than be discouraged.

Then we talked abt this whole legalistic issue. Where ppl, especially in our church are so legalistic. We think if someone doing things like being a homo, surfing porn are big vices. Ppl can be told not to serve if they have a non christian gf. Why is this sin bigger than another? We should not stop someone from serving and seeking God. We respect ppl who are disciplined, just as if ill discipline is a big sin in God's eyes. Ben says, we are all equal. We are all saved by grace. Not by our works! Nobody is greater than another. A pastor's prayer is no greater than anyones. We should not look on works, on what we do, not judge one another. For we are all equal, saved by grace. We always talk abt not doing this sin, not doing that sin, its just like the pharisees. Where's the grace? WHere is Christ? We should not be so focused on filling our time, on service. Sometimes, God just wants to teach us a lesson of being dependant on Him, and not being legalistic abt trying to make full use of time doing so many things. Thats so Singaporean. When Jesus had free time, would He complain that he had too much free time and that He has to fins something to do to make full use of? God gives Him task as and when He pleases. Don't look at how we fail, but how we can improve for Christlikeness. Even if we're successful in whatever we do, its the same. Look towards Christlikeness in whatever you are doing, whether we are glorifying God in being successful. Aaron also says this, that its so Singaporean that if we do not do well in studies, its a big sin to God; or ill discipline? No not that we should continue in this, but why the greater emphasis over certain sin compared to others? I guess Ben was also trying to bring this across, about grater emphasis in certain things. Is not lying a sin too? God only says 2 commandments that are the greatest. Isnt the rest equal? Hope to find out more abt legalism from Ben, because it is so true that all of us has become so legalistic, especially in our church. I hope to change too. Look not on yourselves, on how we sin, but on the grace of God. If we focus on glorifying God in everything, we will definitely do the right things . If doing this does not glorify God but its just fulfilling our desires, then its not the right decision. If doing this glorifies God less than the other decision, it is definitely wrong.

I am still struggling with this hole in me. Give me time to heal. I will! I have confidence, confidence in God. God allows everything for a reason that will ultimately glorify Him, its just that i dont see it now. "Spiritual highness" just comes to nothing when things like this happens. But i'm learning to trust God in more things(which is supposed to be all things) and to surrender all to God in all things.

Are you seeking to glorify God in everything?

emotional void: Heartbreak

Its kinda a weird feeling. Of course you seem all right and all up front. But when you go back and let loose all masks, you understand what it means by heartbreak. A piercing feeling through your heart. So irritating, and painful- something not everyone will EVER GET TO FEEL. Its just like a black hole, sucking all emotions and feelings and logic inside. Leaving you feeling nothing but pain and an illogical mind.

Not that i havent given up, but its the final stab, to kill it all.

I thought i cried so badly, until i realized it was just a dream. Really, only in my dreams. In the dream, someone came and was like you why you didnt come to church? NExt thing i know, i was at church. The very next, i realized it was not you but someone else who picked me up. Weird. THen the next, being in home clothes, i was at a corner, with tears flowing like a stream. A group of the guys were like hey dont like that come and join us. They next were putting up a skit/show on the pulpit/stage, and i teleported to the door, ready to leave. Then i woke up, thinking, oh, i was only crying in my dreams?

But how painful.

I agree that it was solved the best way possible. It was done in a good way, and i cant think of anything better. But i guess you should go through heartbreak of my kind for you to understand what it feels like.

I guess we are all selfish creatures. Only concerned that we are facing certain problems, never concerned how others would be going through, just all but concerned on trying to solve our own problems. We dont empathize with others, but are just concerned with self. Thats what we all are- utterly self centred.

Hearing what others say of me, is kinda sad really, all i can say is.

Hypocrites! You all are hypocrites too. Thinking that you're seeking God when you reject certain obvious truths that you do not accept, and trying to meet your own agendas/ plans/motives with His. O Father, please reveal all us hipocrites, the thruth. The truth behind 2 seemingly simlar decisions. The truth behind everyone's heart.

For the truth sets us free!

Worship: I surrender All

Luk 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
Luk 14:27 And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.

Luk 14:33 So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.

Col 3:5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:

Luk 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
Luk 9:24 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

I Surrender All
All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

Refrain

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

Refrain

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

Refrain

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

Refrain

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

Refrain

Surrender
I'm giving you my heart
And all that is within
I'm laying it all down
For the sake of you my king

I'm giving you my dreams
I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my
For the promise of new live

And I surrender it all to you, all to you
And I surrender it all to you, all to you

I'm singing you this song
I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds still
Counting all that love

The sake of knowing you
The glory of your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in your past

And I surrender it all to you, all to you [8x]

Search Me, O God

Search me, O God,
And know my heart today;
Try me, O Savior,
Know my thoughts, I pray.
See if there be
Some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin
And set me free.

I praise Thee, Lord,
For cleansing me from sin;
Fulfill Thy Word,
And make me pure within.
Fill me with fire
Where once I burned with shame;
Grant my desire
To magnify Thy Name.

Lord, take my life,
And make it wholly Thine;
Fill my poor heart
With Thy great love divine.
Take all my will,
My passion, self and pride;
I now surrender, Lord
In me abide.

O Holy Ghost,
Revival comes from Thee;
Send a revival,
Start the work in me.
Thy Word declares
Thou wilt supply our need;
For blessings now,
O Lord, I humbly plead.

1Co 3:22 whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future--all are yours,
1Co 3:23 and you are Christ's, and Christ is God's.

I AM HIS, AND HE IS MINE

Loved with everlasting love, led by grace that love to know;
Gracious Spirit from above, Thou hast taught me it is so!
O this full and perfect peace! O this transport all divine!
In a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine.
In a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine.

Heav’n above is softer blue, Earth around is sweeter green!
Something lives in every hue Christless eyes have never seen;
Birds with gladder songs o’erflow, flowers with deeper beauties shine,
Since I know, as now I know, I am His, and He is mine.
Since I know, as now I know, I am His, and He is mine.

Things that once were wild alarms cannot now disturb my rest;
Closed in everlasting arms, pillowed on the loving breast.
O to lie forever here, doubt and care and self resign,
While He whispers in my ear, I am His, and He is mine.
While He whispers in my ear, I am His, and He is mine.

His forever, only His; Who the Lord and me shall part?
Ah, with what a rest of bliss Christ can fill the loving heart!
Heav’n and earth may fade and flee, firstborn light in gloom decline;
But while God and I shall be, I am His, and He is mine.
But while God and I shall be, I am His, and He is mine.

I Have Decided to Follow Jesus

1. I have decided to follow Jesus;
   I have decided to follow Jesus;
   I have decided to follow Jesus;
   No turning back, no turning back.
2. Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
   No turning back, no turning back.
3. The world behind me, the cross before me;
   The world behind me, the cross before me;
   The world behind me, the cross before me;
   No turning back, no turning back.
4. Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   Though none go with me, still I will follow;
   No turning back, no turning back.
5. Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
   No turning back, no turning back.

1Ti 4:12 Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.

Rom 8:38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,
Rom 8:39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I am quite puzzled by it. Actually, i'm very afraid and worried, cause i dont know what to expect. But i guess, i gotta face it, despite anything. Its, too fast, too soon. Luckily, i'm kinda bothered abt it this near the actual event, so i wont really think abt it and by the time it comes, i'll know. Gonna carry my burdens to the Lord in prayer.

Php 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

and i was reminded about love.

1Co 13:4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
1Co 13:5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

Envy and boast/vain. Does not insist on your own way. Oh how i fail.

1Co 13:6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
1Co 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Co 13:8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
1Co 13:9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
1Co 13:10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
1Co 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
1Co 13:13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Thoughts starting to bug me more and more as the week wears on. Plus more nad more work problems. Zz.

I guess God works in wonderful ways. He does not give me/not born with certain things which he knows i will struggle with and even though im struggling with it now, i'm glad i can still fight it. If i had what i wanted now(which i envy others have), i might have already faltered a long time ago.

And plus i guess, God made me weak in so many things so that i always learn to rely on Him rather than myself. I am weak in so many things, and im giving myself problems which i look at others and they dont even have those kinda problems because they could have avoided it in the 1st place. He makes me weak, so that i will seek He that is strong.

A Failed testimony at work

It sucks man. Really bothered that i am having problems at work. Really didnt realize i neglected being a testimony at work and started to become rather self centred and all. It kinda sucks that work r/s are deteriorating quite badly except for 1 who shot up. Guess who? The secretary. I dont know why. I just always end up not mixing with the major cliques much and mixing with individuals again. We are so diff but somehow we just clique and im like always fine having lunch wit the one not having lunch with anyone else. Well maybe cause she's "better looking" *cough* *cough* but also cause im just being sociable? like i mix with everyone and am fine with everyone? K im still not as pro as someone. Mixing with the greet girls all the time leh! (hopefully she and he wont read it, though i know he would!)

Bothersome thoughts of a failed testimony. Am so bothered on how can i change the situation. Zz. Tmr is going to be a VERY VERY LONG DAY for me. Working till 11. Zz.

So interesting. Some thoughts are still lingering in me somehow. Or is it feelings? Its like logically yea you know it has ended le. But somehow certain feelings are still there and still havent really change? Amusing really. Erm hard to explain. Its like most of the bothersome thoughts and all have left me, but the feeling are kinda like still there? Haha. Emotional attachments. But dont care as long as it doesnt bother me.

Anyway its not about me right? Haha.

Its not about me, its about Him

I dont understand how ppl don't seem to apply cat and dog theology to their lives. I'm like, it exposes all my sins and is almost a whole total mindset change. I am still learning, but the mindset is totally different now. I learn how to focus on God in every thing I do. It just exposes my sin that ive been so selfish all this while without knowing it.Ive been living life like its about me and God. No. God did all He did for His own Glory. Theres no me/you/ppl in the equation. Theres no trying to put God in the equation. The equation is always God and then what should i do. How do i radiate His glory in whatever trials, whatever situation. Its all about Him and not about us. I'll explain with examples.

Elder and I was talking about success, like coming out winning in competitions/studies. Striving to be no1. It is not about striving to achieve success that we will glorify Him. In whatever results, we must glorify Him. He chooses to put us in different situations, like sometimes we win sometime we lose, but if God chooses us to win, its cause He thinks we can best show His glory through that and we should do so. Liikewise, if we lose, He chose that and we should still show forth His glory. You see, its not about us. Its always about Him!

Jesus came down to earth to die for our sins. Which is the most crucial? Jesus dieing for OUR SINS, or JESUS DIEING for our sins. You see Jesus did what He did to glorify God primarily. We are not the main subject. Its always for me.

To me, i find this hymn, O Rejoice In The Lord very comforting. But i realize this hymn is not wrong if we have the right focus. Is this hymn about ME and that God will have the best plan for ME, or is it a reminder that HE makes no mistakes/the reminder of HIS purpose for making us go through trials etc? Its about Him, not about us.

I dont know. I think it teaches me to make the right decisions. everything just becomes so much clearer. Put yourself out of the equation, or your self gain out of the equation. Then put in which way will I glorify God better. Its so much clearer! Once we realize we should not think for ourselves, we will know how to make decisions.

Eg, whether we should start relationships. 1st question we should ask ourselves is, is it because I want a r/s? For self gain of fulfilling our desires? Next question to ask. Will God be better glorified if you start one now or later? I realize if you dont think for yourself, dont seek to fulfill our own desires, alot of answers become clearer.

Luk 9:23 And He said to all, If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me.

It gives a whole new meaning to denying self and taking up cross daily. Daily, in all the small decisions we make, thats when we also need to deny self.

I gues the speaker said something so impt. We are impt in God's eyes. Yes. But all of us have different roles. He used the eg of Job. Job went through all the trials, and ultimately he overcame them to show forth His glory. Then how abt his children? His children had s minor role of all dieing at the same time to make Job suffer. But its also to glorify Him. We can be just like them, just that small role! You can say its so scary, but its so true. Its not abt us, but abt Him. If we pass away young so that others can better glorify God, that may be our role for our lives! We can play any part in God's kingdom. Its because its abt Him, not us. He can make us fail in major exam, so that we can better glorify Him. Its all in His sovereign plan.

Self denial:
Rom 15:1 Then we who are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.
Rom 15:2 Let every one of us please his neighbor for his good, to building up.
Rom 15:3 For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, "The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me."

Sorry i typed this really fast off my head. Hope its not too messy!

Kevin is back! Woots! Wanted to say this since sat! Had a good chat with Him last night. Woots. Shared with Him new convictions and our usual personal stuff! So happy to have someone like Kevin where we can encourage each other, correct each others mistakes with love, share about anything under the sun, its just so good. And i love 2 way sharing. I guess the thing thats been bothering me is that if i share alot to others i actually expect them to share alot to me. Likewise, i feel weird when ppl share alot to me but i think they dont know whats happening to me? I guess thats the cause of my distress with friends. Thats what i look for in close friends. 2 way sharing!

I told Kevin that actually i shouldnt be looking forward to this weekend. He agreed! Haha. He said actually i should be afraid! Hahaha.

I thank God that i stop thinking abt this issue anymore. Its a lie that i have totally overcame it. There was one instant where i see and was bothered again. But i am glad its changed now. Hopefully it will not even bother me at all in the future! I will continue realigning my focuses, as it doesnt happen overnight. Problems, especially one with ppl/the heart do not go away immediately. But i pray, more and more it wont. Today was abit stirred, just abit! :-p

Eccl 3 says, there is a time for everything.

Joshua harris says, the right thing at the wrong time is wrong! How much we love to compromise that huh.

Pray, pray till faith grows strong, And in your heart rings Heaven’s song; Till self shall die in pure desire, And every thought to Him aspire.

self shall die in pure desire for Him, and seek to give every thought to Him! How much i aspire to be able to do that now!

Pray, pray hymn

Pray, pray, when things go wrong,
And gloomy fears around you throng;
The loving God your voice will hear,
Look up to Him, He’s always near.

Refrain

Pray, pray though your eyes grow dim,
Go with your troubles straight to Him;
Pray, pray, for God understands;
Have faith, leaving all in His dear hands.

Pray, pray, be calm and still,
Whatever comes must be His will;
His promises like buds unfold,
Naught that is good will He withhold.

Refrain

Pray, pray till faith grows strong,
And in your heart rings Heaven’s song;
Till self shall die in pure desire,
And every thought to Him aspire.

Refrain

Woots. Never imagined i would pick up "I kissed dating goodbye" again. I tell you, really at different points of your life you really learn more and more things. And im so glad. And im so relieved. This book has answered questions ive been asking God. THANK GOD!!! He answered my prayers. No i still have lots of questions unanswered. But at least, i now see why he did what he did. All just to, bring me closer to Him, and to expose my sins. I'll explain more next time! :-p

Contentment. God in me.

So many things to say, everyday. More and more disorientated

Woke up this morning, and started tearing. I dont know. so weird. Just somehow some thought came to mind. i wasnt even tearing in my sleep. Just woke up, and started tearing for the things that went through my head. The thing is, i only teared for this issue once. I was always sad, but never teared. After some time, suddenly this morning? Hmm. I guess cause the past few days im losing alot of logical me, been in emotional chaos. Not emotionally charged, just chaos. Im just wanting to be vain and stuff.

The greater meaning of God's love, im trying to comprehend. Life cannot separate us from His love.
Rom 8:38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Rom 8:39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Am gonna put up some wish list soon. I think it comes naturally cause i'mearning more money now. Haha.

Whoo. Chatted with Hui Ting last night! Haha. The weirdest thing is, we became closer when shes abt to lve? Talk abt cherishing others when they're not arnd.

Kevin pls come back soon!

Disorientated

I am kinda disorientated. I am kinda questioning what i wanna do with life. Whats next?(in terms of career) Hmm. And its really God vs comfort. No the choice isnt really that obvious nowadays! Questioning and thinking abt alot of things.

Whoo. Feels so good to be telling stuff and talking to Michelle. I guess family is still family. No holdbars. I just say whats in my mind. And she just listens! And i hear her talk her take on friends when i was talking abt frens too!

But i feel so guilty that i only asked 1 fren abt her exam schedule for so long now(cause we started doing it) and i never did it for sister nor thought of it. Boo!

I am so sleepy these days. Always sleeping/wanna sleep. Cause sleeping is a kind of escape i guess. Running away from all the problems in my head.

At least 1 big one is solved. But its just so scary. Satan's been answering my prayers. -.-

Busy busy week!

http://celebratechristmasinspore.blogspot.com/

Go visit. Sign up if you could. Yfc's activity for christmas week. Spend some time to do evangelism. Timings you wanna do are flexible i think. You commit no of hours according to how much you want to. And this seems very exciting. Pls go. Its during the whole week. I sign up le! :-p

Never had good clean fun ever since this "person" has been at the back of my mind. Never was satisfied since yfc days. Wait, no church camp and lr was good. But anyway yea i needed this relief to look forward to more good clean sociable fun. Woots. It starts this week! :-p

Learning to be contented. And i guess i always wanted this thats why. Its cause of the age and the ppl arnd me. )):

Hui Ting is very like bo chap one. Tell her stuff also like like she said, she doesnt really care or just er bian fung. Haha.

I am starting to realize i dislike popular ppl. And crap im mixing with too many popular ppl whom i view as impt. Disliking popular ppl is a sentiment i share with michelle! :-p

Thank God for GODLY COUNSEL!!! I feel relieved now from all my burdens and questions. Thank God that this dear "mentor" of mine who helped me with all the questions i was bothered abt this week! All the stumbling questions that affected me IS ANSWERED!!! I feel relieved. the problems are not removed. I still have lotsof tough times to face. But for 1, he removed all my questions. He taught me to press on, no matter how difficult i struggled with it. Cause it will surely please. Everything is falling in place very nicely. From Aary, yf to him. All just putting me back onto the right track again. Everything is for His glory now. Everything, i shall look to Him now. I am relieved!

Sad but relieved actually. But nothing to be sad anymore really. Theres nothing the death of the cross by Him has not solved. Its now all for His glory. Time to be studying His word and putting Him back where it rightfully belongs- 1st place in my heart.

Haha. I was chatting with aunty serene on the phone just now for like more than half an hour? Lol. Thats something new for me!!! And i am ashamed by shawn. There's a 1st for everything i guess.

This week will be really busy. Plus more tuition commitments. 4 hours on 2 days. Wah can die.

I really wish i have frens to work hard together and study with. I hope i can spend time with ppl i value, and value more ppl. But then, its all right. Im learning to let go and just being unimportant to ppl. They shouldnt be the most impt thing to me. :-p

Unfortunately, im not blessed with a perfectly logical mind. I am deciding on taking the following course of actions. It might be a spur of the moment, but we'll see how. I give myself 1 more day to decide. Just 1.

i need some time off everything.

Stirred emotions and release from the chains of sin.

Either its me, or i sense some awkwardness or avoidings. Haiz. I dont like it cause its irritating really. But haiya.

Really enjoyed the cat and dog theology videos today. It just puts everything back to perspective again. It defines everything ive been trying to communicate to ppl clearly, and now there's no excuse. Like Kev said before, ppl just wanting comfortable christian life, studying to give God glory, and really giving God glory in everything. I guess i was very happy that ppl may hear such good sermons and that hopefully their perspective changes. And i need not always try to tell ppl or seemingly judge ppl on these kinda things(when i cant communicate it that clearly as well). I can stop trying now. Just let them listen to the sermons man. And God will change them. But like i was telling Ben. I have to stop judging others whether they are doing it and to think myself more highly. I wa saying that well i cant fully do all those things. These sermons really exposes all my sins and i can see them very clearly. I see some things that i am glad to be affirmed in(like how i was seeing more and more that songs like Day by Day and O rejoice in the Lord is self centred songs), but there is so many things also that i fail and makes me still essentially a cat, so theres so much more i wanna improve and seek God in, just like the problems im having now. Its abt God and im just trying to see how i can give glory. Thanks to Aary also this morning where he reminded me of Job(when again he also knows nothing, just that he knows im going through a trying period with God), who suffered much more, and he definitely suffered not because he sinned, but because God wanted to test him. And i see how much i fail this test. No matter, i should at least pass the test now!

Singapore is such a self centred society where everything is abt me and it really gets to you and your forget really everything is so that it could be used for God's glory. Satan's most powerful weapon against us. Haiz.

It was never you that i was bitter, and it was never your fault. Believe me, i felt that i was unhappy with God cause of His leading, not yours, which im very clear. Dont think you're really involved in this matter please. Its me and God.

I just dont want to be bothered abt this anymore. Sinful natures. of mine.

You know i always have this nightmare where it always seem like i never actually finished my A levels, but its coming? It seems so real, like i would feel that i always thought i actually finished my A levels, but i actually didnt, like in the nightmare i would think that me finishing my A levels was nothing but a dream? So scary. A levels. Oh, and this time of the year is when promos were coming. Oh how i could remember i was so caught up with mugging for it. And also, last year while having prelims! Mad mad JC period!!!

Unconfessed Sin/ Faithful Friend

A long sleep, 5hours in the afternoon, would mean another of those realistic dreams. I was surprised who the main character was, it was a parent actually. I'm quite stunned. Sad thing is, the dream lasted all the way till i was reaching the house, and it just has to end. Waking up and realizing, oh its only a dream?! I wish the dream would continue, but i guess its time to stop dreaming again.

Urban today is sadly disappointing.

Mysteries of God working. Which i cant comprehend. Such a torture really.
Tortures of mind of soul. Ignorance of surroundings. Ignorance of studying His word, when He speaks to us through His word.

I just wish i knew what is His purpose in doing this. Trying to see things in His light.

Self-centredness while seeing ppl study His word. Self centredness rather than God centredness in all of us, is bothering me.

Unconfessed sin: covetousness- but i dont see the point of changing when other ppl are like that.

Am just gonna be- a faithful friend. I guess this is the difficulty of giving-giving of everything, and yet receiving no returns. But sometimes, i just want to give, even if theres no returns.

Faithful Friend

Everyone knows you
As a woman of honor
I am glad to know you
Simply as a friend

You've always taken
Time to be my sister
And I'll be standing by you in the end

But I will never put you on a pedestal
I thank the Lord for everything you do
I'll be there to pray for you and for the ones you love
I believe that He will finish all He's started in you

I will be an open
Door that you can count on
Anywhere you are
Anywhere you've been
I will be an honest
Heart you can depend on
I will be your faithful friend.

I am one of many
Whose path has been made clearer
By the light you've carried faithfully
As a warrior and a child

God has used you greatly
To encourage and inspire
You've remained a true friend all the while

So I will never put you on a pedestal
Cause we both know all the glory is the Lord's
And I'll be there to pray that He will keep you by His grace
And I always will remind you to be seeking His face

I will be an open
Door that you can count on
Anywhere you are
Anywhere you've been
I will be an honest
Heart you can depend on
I will be a faithful friend

Should it ever come your time to mourn
I will weep with you
And every single time you win
I'm celebrating, too
Oh, I will celebrate with you…

I will be an open
Door that you can count on
Anywhere you are
Anywhere you've been
I will be an honest
Heart you can depend on
I will be a faithful friend

I will be faithful
I will be a faithful friend.

Teardrops On My Guitar
Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I need everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

Only From My Side: My Own Fantasy

"It was always from your side what."

Its kinda odd actually. How my struggles are self generated. I created my own fantasies. I created my own struggles. Yea i probably dont have any value to most ppl i guess. How ppl have always been looking at their level and up. I see them, but they dont see me. How i can be talking abt ppl and they never realized it for more than a year. How i created my own fantasy. How i cant get rid of the thought of someone the past year. And im not even a passing thought. It is fantasy. How i struggled with things that never existed. How i struggled with God with this. I've been happy and glad over small things that i always exchanged with all other frens and never even thought of it as something worth an extra thought. You know what? Even yesterday. Even today. God still gives me stupid answers, answers that i want. Im like, so what if you tell me these answers?

I dont wanna believe in this stupid fantasy anymore. Its not even a thought to others. Its not even part of a consideration. i-am-not-even-worth-a-thought-on-others-minds. Period.

I guess everyone is self centred. Including me. Well,everyone is only bothered abt their own problems. It is just not a concern to others how they are part of a problem of another. I guess its so human to be only be bothered abt our own problems. To be happy to tell ppl your problems, and not be concerned abt others.

How ironic ppl can have a similar problem, like a on b and b on c. Haha. And b ignoring a's. But concerned abt c. Lol. Ironies of life.

I just dont want to believe God anymore
On this issue of course.

I am craving of the highly sociable life. Seeing facebook just makes me feel too ordinary and not me- i need the high life, and i need to find it. Photos that makes me wanna be part of. Good looks and "act cute" shots that i wanna be doing.

High Life and photos!

Oo. I am thinking of how i can get to these highly sociable settings. WHee~ Already some are in my mind that i can start attending.

Vanity- i am largely part of it, just like everyone else is part of, just that they're lying to themselves that they're not. Photos are proof. Admit it!

Its time to embark on "enjoyable activities".

Conver with Fren who knew nothin

Extracts of a conver with a fren. He knows nothin, not even what issue it is regarding initially. He tried to encourage even without knowing anything, and encouraged he did.

These were what i said, with personal comments:
"i am having problems now when i thought i was always following God's leading"
Ironic huh. Key problem here is "i thought".

"so thinking back even, i see God working, i remember looking to God leading, seeing Him lead, but in the end, it was all a mistake."
In the end, I "thought" He was workin, and I was probably not following His leading, because He never misleads.

And His encouragements:
"whatever it is
trust that God does not withhold the best and He also moulds us in difficulty circumstances if we can continue to trust in Him :)
but ya.. God can allow sufferings in us so that we may grow.. so yep.. and His grace is sufficient for us
whatever He gives us is just what we are able to take
so take heart that God will nv forsake u
i know that it will be tough
but ya.. seek comfort from Him through His Word"

I feel all lazy at the moment. But i really need to get down to praying and reading His word. I've been praying, but i need to pray more. Prayer is never enough. The more I pray, the better. SHould pray abt other things too.

Why God? *Struggles*

I was quite angry with God today. And it kinda made me fall asleep so easily today, even while standing in the train, which is the 1st for me! It keeps comin to mind. I was so unhappy with God because all these time i've been asking God for direction. Everytime i was abt to give up on this issue and think no its only a 1 sided thing, He always allows some event/talk/encounter to happen which dispels doubts/ reignites hopes again. I know it and He knows it better how this thing always happened. Whenever i asked for signs He gives it to me. Then when all these was resolved im like, were You lying to me all this time? I guess i was really unhappy that i felt He was the main culprit of mixed signals. Cause i always went back to ask Him, and He always answers. Now when all this has happened and passed, i looked back, from the very beginning this started, to the many events that occured, i just feel very bitter. Because i see Him working to make all these misunderstanding work! I'm like, if its a misunderstanding, how can it be from Him. Yet i'm very sure, I always looked to Him, and all these while the devil was replying me? Even up to today, it just seems like He still gives me the kinda answers i want, which at this stage, i wouldnt even wanna believe it. Took me some time at the end of the day to reconcile with Him. There is so many things i dont understand. But for 1 i know, God is sovereign, God is perfect, God is in control. He never lies. I have so many why questions, i cant answer/ resolve so many things. But He has a sovereign will, He is in control. From my short sighted eyes now, i cant see the answers. But hopefully in the future, i will look back, and know why God did the things He did.

And here I thought that solving the friendship would be the end of the problems!

Plus, from all the evidences and heresays/affirmations from ppl, i am certain of the problems you are struggling with now. Bad timing for both you and me! And im all the more not in a position to advise on this matter. Haiz. I ask God again. WhY?

It is further defeating at this point, to add salt to the wound.

But objectively speaking, all i can say is, ask an older person/mentor/someone you can look up to in faith for advice. Godly counsel.

It is also quite stupid to think that relationships are relative. You view some ppl as very impt to you, yet it is always never a 2 way thing, at least for me. Even in the opposite direction, where in the past i felt that other ppl wants to be good friends with me, but i didnt want/dont feel that i view them as impt thus wanna build alot into the r/s. I guess its like that. Just like i can not view others as impt, so can others feel the same way as i do. And you know what, its been a problem ive been struggling with, ever since i was a 9/10 year old.

Rather than always why God, i am again timely reminded, not why but what. What is more impt. What can mend the brokenness? What can fill the emptiness? What can save and overcome? Only the Lamb who laid down His life, who lifts us from the fall.

Mighty is He.


Mighty Is The Power Of The Cross
Christ Tomlin

What can take a dying man and raise him up to life again?
What can heal a wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness?
Brokenness

[Chorus:]
Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall
Mighty is the power of the cross

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones
What can save and overcome?
Overcome

[Chorus]

It's a miracle to me [2x]
And It's still a mystery [2x]
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
For those who believe

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall
Mighty is .......
Mighty is.......
Mighty is the power of the cross

Thank You for the cross [2x]
Love the cross [2x]
So Powerful...... ohhhhh yeahhh
What can take a dying man?
And raise him up to life again?

Worship You Jesus
By your wounds we are healed
By your wounds we are saved
Mighty is the power of the cross [2x]
Thank You Jesus for the Holy cross

Probably one of the most uncomfortable days i will ever have in my life. Well, i guess cause i was sick too, but i felt weird, stressed, conscious and uncomfortable all at once. I cant even describe it. Its just very very irritating and bothersome. Yea, irritating is the word. But it bothers me really alot, causing me to be unable to feel at ease. Crap. I'll just pretend that nothing has happened.

Easier said than done.

Blogging from work

Ee. My posts are always full of grammatical errors. i wonder why! Cant stand it! And its not like that when i talk, nor when i write, fortunately. But why when i blog? Lol. I edited my blog post. Whew. Feels better.

So many ppl is not around at work today. So its very quiet around here, and thus i get to use the internet to blog! Haha.

Been sick for the whole week again. Crazy Phlegm and cold. Aargh. Took mc at camp so only reached home in the afternoon. Next time i'll just do it at the polyclinic seriously. I came back yesterday at 130 and slept till 730! LOL! Am still sick. My Nose especially is totally blocked and I must constantly keep my mouth open to breath. So weird, especially eating and breathing through the same medium! Sian la performance this sun and i am not able to practice properly. Haiz. 1st time singing as a tenor in a crazy high song, and i hardly practiced. Die liao. Plus I still have sore throat and a blocked nose, so for tonight's prac, I can forget about being able to sing properly again. Haiz.

Talked to august last sun abt my struggles with the music min. Ironically, he issued me a challenge- to conduct the adult choir, possibly the christmas choir!!! I'm like, are you kidding? Lol. I have to give some thought and prayer into this.

Aunty Linda(abi's mum) and I surprisingly hit off very well. Haha. During the night before combined yf, we had supper with some of the music min ppl- Aunty Linda, Aunt Jenny, Aunt Siew Ping, August, Joash and I. Aunty Linda and i just started to sing songs(Jo too) and for some reason, we just started to look to each other for lyrics and more songs! I guess it helped that i knew quite a few oldies! We just sing a certain song for awhile until we can't remember the lyrics, then we change song. Haha. Had alot of fun singing like that. Just like the good old times with hensley and jodi. The youths tried this on the van ride home from last sat's ling kwang home visit, but we were singing pop songs- some modern nonsense pop songs so wasnt that fun. Haha.

OH! And i have thousand and 1 things to do for camp comm! Its like every Action-item register has my name! Sian. Anybody for Vice camp master? I'm supposed to look for one. Lol.

Been lazy me again. I could use sickness as an excuse, but i know i should be spend time properly. Only did something productive on mon and last night, where i did abit of packing of my super messy table to make space for future studying! :-p But other than that, didnt really did anything productive. Well, at least i had some good fun playing with my sisters!

Played boggle with Laura a few times the past week. We're quite evenly matched! She practices normally, but it is no excuse. How can my vocab and thinking skills be the same as a 14 year old? Lol. Haha. Then michelle bought this weird candy game(laura is like me, who prefers playing all this "intellectual" games whereas michelle just loves those bhue hiao bai/unglam games where everyone looks stupid, but of course its very fun!) Each person gets 1 long strip of candy, where everyone's candy is tied together at one end. Guess the objective of the game? Whomever finishes the long long candy 1st with your mouth only wins! Ands its SOO comical. Because its so long and because the candy is dangling in the air, the moment someone bends down abit lower everyone must follow! Like we could be scrambling to finish the candy until we are scrambling on the ground! Haha. I never won cause i ALWAYS burst into laughter at the way they scramble and the way the eat! Not typical of me but i just cant stand but laugh during the game because of the looks on their faces and the way we eat. The loser has to finish everyones's loose end(which means other's saliva, but not so bad for us because we are family members!) and the ending knot. SOO UNGLAM! But good clean family fun. I JUST HOPE SHE DONT START THIS GAME IN CHURCH!!! We wanted mum to play but mum was like we're all sick except for michelle so in protest she didnt want to play- but we went on anyway. Haha. SO whenever michelle loses, we eat for her! :-p

Well, dreams will always remain as dreams, or building castles in the air(an idiom for daydreaming) We will never own castles anyway. Had a reality check dream last night. But last night's dream was soo long, it was like a long story. Lol! So surreal i almost got caught in it. Plus all the very familiar faces who constantly appear in my dreams for some reason. The interesting thing is, the dream was abt change. And not only did people change in character in the dream, but also physically too(must be due to michelle's o level Art drawings!) and all the people changing arnd me.

Change is constant in life. Im changing, everyone's changing, but God never changes.

Wanted to challenge myself intellectually, so i read proverbs and ecclesiates 2 days ago! So cool. I really enjoy reading them. I guess i like to be challenged to think philosophically! :-p Go read them! If i were to quote all that is meaningful i would be quoting the whole text like the whole of chapter 1 of proverbs! I'll just say a few. But go Read it yourself. You'll find it meaningful!

Pro 1:7 The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of knowledge: [but] fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Pro 3:5-8
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Vanity of material wealth
Ecc 2:4 I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards:
Ecc 2:5 I made me gardens and orchards, and I planted trees in them of all [kind of] fruits:
Ecc 2:6 I made me pools of water, to water therewith the wood that bringeth forth trees:
Ecc 2:7 I got [me] servants and maidens, and had servants born in my house; also I had great possessions of great and small cattle above all that were in Jerusalem before me:
Ecc 2:8 I gathered me also silver and gold, and the peculiar treasure of kings and of the provinces: I gat me men singers and women singers, and the delights of the sons of men, [as] musical instruments, and that of all sorts.
Ecc 2:9 So I was great, and increased more than all that were before me in Jerusalem: also my wisdom remained with me.
Ecc 2:10 And whatsoever mine eyes desired I kept not from them, I withheld not my heart from any joy; for my heart rejoiced in all my labour: and this was my portion of all my labour.
Ecc 2:11 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I had laboured to do: and, behold, all [was] vanity and vexation of spirit, and [there was] no profit under the sun.

A time for everything
Ecc 3:1 To every [thing there is] a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
Ecc 3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up [that which is] planted;
Ecc 3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
Ecc 3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecc 3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
Ecc 3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
Ecc 3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
Ecc 3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

This Is the Day! Day by Day! All the Way My Savior Leads Me! May the lord find us faithful!

Wanted a new blogskin. Clean white is what i wanted. Spent no time putting this up, without even searching for this, it was an old blogskin i always wanted to put. Clean white!

This 2 songs spoke to me this week. "This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it!" Even in bad, unhappy, problematic days. All the way my saviour leads me is the only lyrics i can find. Such a meaningful and timely reminder, this hymn is. But these songs, "This Is the Day! Day by Day! All the Way My Savior Leads Me! May the lord find us faithful!" are songs that spoke to me this week!

All the way my Savior leads me

1. All the way my Savior leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.
2. All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.
3. All the way my Savior leads me,
Oh, the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way.

Oh i realized that i said everyone is gone for the moment, but no abi and qian hui are going to be gone for 3-4 years! Haha. Not 3 weeks like kevin. haha.

I just feel like being me and lazy me again! Not that i enjoy it. But i guess its me.

I seriously wanted to do this degree, but cant afford. Haiz. Retake A's lor.

Nice to see Sara again on thurs, after some 2 months where i havent seen her. going to visit that uni together. Unlike me, she has already enrolled and got into that uni! Sara, abi, qian hui are peeps whom are from my ministry in yfc. Haha. I talked abt the girls cause they are all my age and they happen to have something happening to them. All the guys my age are just in army lor, nothin much to say.

Was just telling rui that everyone gradually is not impt anymore. Like i'm not involved in their lives, and thus they just seem not impt. Almost everyone i guess. I'm like dragging my feet through life again. Who's impt? If i aint to so many of yours, then i guess after awhile, i also cant feel that you all are impt but just a face in my life. Was talking to rui abt ex exco ppl and they are once close, but well.

I guess ppl are not my motivation anymore too i guess. They arent impt, but i guess from God's point of view, they are, so i should be likewise.

Argh. Get off my mind, problems. I guess i should get down to solving them.

Woots. Did 2 weeks of NISS yesterday! haha. More work needed to be done! And yes A levels too! Haiz.

Nice to read abt me from kevin's blog! Kevin is fine wth me linking him, cause he says everyone links him anyway le!

I guess i'm always answerable to God and no one else. So i should stop feeling sorry for others. I guess i did my best in this issue and hopefully God would think i did everything out of a pure heart, being above reproach and that i always seeked Him with regards to this issue. Too bad for so long He never spoken which i'm like, bah why are You always so silent! And i dont regret the stand i ever did take, the feelings i ever had. Cause i know i always put God in this issue! I always struggled with problems. But God was always in the picture from my side. I made mistakes, but its a lesson learnt and God given situation that i was happy to be in.

If it doesnt bother other ppl then i shouldnt be bothered abt these thoughts too.

Its, God and me again! The only relationship that matters!

Ok quick one.

I felt bad and uncomfortable trying to make sure i stay away. But was i being rigid or sticking to it when someone else is trying to salvage it? I dont know. These are new situations where im trying to learn to handle appropriately. At least i felt i made a mistake.

It is through adversities that you really know who will always be there to support you! Was very glad by the pat by someone. Makes me feel relieved and not worry!

Had a good talk with some of the guys on sun night(eg ben and adrian) and learned to realize that ive been coveting so many things. Sin of coveting. Alot of the extreme opinions i have was because being in those situation causes me to covet and therefore i was uncomfortable(cause i didnt want to covet)! But i realize im coveting lots of stuff! Sets me thinkin on lotsof things again. Finally adrain hit the nail on the questions ive been having for suh a long time!

Everyone is telling me to go clubbing recently!

I hope the brain is something which you can shift delete, aka permanently delete stuff whenever you want! Some stuff still stuck in my mind, though as a different form! Hopefully when the friendship is restored and everything goes back to normal it can stop bugging me!

Abi left the previous sun. Qian Hui left for philadelphia last thurs(but i heard from here already! woohoo!) Kevin went to taiwan last fri for 3 weeks. We are supposed to have retail therapy together but he couldnt find time! Haha. Everyone's gone for the moment. :-p

Lydia is being nosey! But i guess im fine with telling her some stuff. :-p

This is what i call dont care- supposedly going to rachel's place tonight to do work together!(and there's the jogging and the supposed dinner there too) till she cancelled on me! lol. At least going with rui to popeye's together!(that joker trying to find company in all his meals, i feel used) Hopefully can go dance this thurs!

And from next week onwards, i'll be busy giving tuition twice a week!

I love my new 22 inch monitor! Woots! :-p And a dvd drive too to be able to see church camp photos! Haha.