The Answer i have found peace with

On a side note, it is so so scary to read something written by someone else but thinking that it feels like you wrote it yourself! It's like, this cannot be. The whole train of thought, all the question marks and the pondering qns, it just feels so so scary. It feels like it was a thinking process in my mind! Maybe i should tell someone abt it. Not that i could have any conclusion on the similarities.

I had a long discussion with my mum. Went so far till it became a debate. It started from her sharings of an unwillingess to accept a doctrinal belief in my church, ending with my conclusion of her having flaws that make her look at things through a stained glass defined by stubborness and judgementalness. Then it became a debate against each others flaws. But finally it came to my main point of this post- my career path.

May this be my prayer.

To cut a long story short:

You know, i always was seeking an answer to my career path. I would ponder on what career God wants me to do. Then "that job" would come to mind, and i am certain that God wants me to do it at some point of my life, ut maybe not yet. I'm quite certain that i would do that career, but maybe not now. Then, i would chuck that thought aside and think abt other career options. But it was always a blur. I asked God a number of times, and never got an answer. Then while talking to mum just now, i realised. Maybe i've been chucking this career path aside when i shouldnt have. Maybe i should be working towards this career path, rather that chucking it aside for so long and seeking another answer which never came. And i thought, maybe there isnt another answer? Maybe what ive been thinking of doing all this while is really what He wants me to do? Maybe i should be working towards that goal, instead of thinking of it as a 2nd career option? Then i realised suddenly that, it all seems right now. I feel at peace. It suddenly seemed like, i have already made that decision, and it is the right decision.

Ah sorry cant continue. Starting to fall asleep. But i'm abt done. Maybe "that job", is the answer ive been searching from God after all.

Yuan Zai tian bian, jing zai yan qian?

Shld pray more rather then to continue. Somehow, i feel like blogging alot lately. Been thinking alot recently i guess.

Relationships

Seeing them, really makes me think, are those qualities something i really want? Well i guess its heart over mind i guess.

Events the past few days makes it obvious and clear again how ppl are so impt to me. Ppl dont just walk pass me, but they all leave their footprints in my heart. Everyone that i have close interactions with, forms an emotional bond that i will never forget. Everytime i think of these ppl, i would feel a certain emotion that is overwhelming; similar to all but unique in a certain way, especially for thos close relatinships that i have lost. And thats what makes me emotional, and sentimental.

Having a few good friends who are attached doesnt mean i cannot be happy seeing them after some time. You know i just enjoy the time we(applies to all the other good friends also) could spend together talking about personal things, and after awhile, even doing things together. This is what you call enjoyable company. I feel like spending some time doing things together but i guess time and lack of opportunity makes such opportunities few and far between.

I have another close friend that i have lost that i really feel so sad losing. Talking after sometime just reminds me how much i enjoyed the close chatter, but now all thats left is the scar of a lost relationship. We still see each other, but i guess the close relationship will never be the same again huh?

Well Thats 1 of many. I am abt to lose kevin if i dont keep up with him. I have just lost jx since end of jc. Lost seng kiang, leon, joel and aidross from sec sch. Sk and leon, i dont even know what is happening to them,b ut glad to see aidross looking up me to chatter again(and finding his life in a mess in a certain way)

Well the event that triggered these thoughts was during the farewell lunch for mdm from "the force". You know i was so sad for her that when we had that lunch, when 1 of the leaders asked us to say something nice that she has impacted us. Everyone could barely utter a word. Some of them could only muster well wishes for her, and it was kinda forced even. But its a totally different story for me. I have mixed feelings abt her leaving. Well she isnt the nicest mdm arnd. She as so many flaws that she dont see, that everyone dislikes her for. She is the no1 disliked in office. But you know what, i cant help but want to say, i might miss her. I once wrote here abt how she protected me, and that is what she really did to me. She was concerned in many occasions(even though she just maybe checking on me). But im so thankful to God for her. She really feels like my grandma, full of nag, fully iritating, but you still love her, and maybe even for her case. I guess cause she may not be very nice, but she tells you abt her personal life alot more than others would. You someho feel part of their life too. You know i felt so compelled to confomr with everyone else to not say nice things to her, but i cant. Then again, i cant express my gratitude to her guidance well. Even after that, there was little talking. We werent really that close, really. But sometimes i couldnt understand, why ppl just couldnt see the good side of her and be thankful?

Mmmm. its good, in a way, to feel emotional again, for good reasons. XD But for all the lost r/s, i hope not to feel them again. Its time to put them to bed and move on.

普通朋友

等待
我随时随地在等待
做你感情上的依赖
我没有任何的疑问
这是爱
我猜
你早就想要说明白
我觉得自己好失败
从天堂掉落到深渊
多无奈
我愿意改变(what can i do?)
重新再来一遍(just give me change)
我无法只是普通朋友
感情已那么深
叫我怎么能收手
但你说
i only want to be your friend
做个朋友
我在
你心中只是just a friend
不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白
但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
so i
我不能只是be your friend
i just can't be your friend
no,no,no,
我不能只是做你的朋友
不能只是做普通朋友

http://apps.facebook.com/quizdoyouknowme/take_quiz.jsp?q=6751233&key=R4AO

go do the quiz. i spent some effort on it. Its an abt me quiz. Lol. :-p

Questions abt calling

On another point, i really wish to be a leader on the floor, especially for bball and frisbee. I like to give commands and play-make. Its much more fun than any other positions. But, I usually cant take up that role due to a lack of skill. Sigh....

This also makes me think: what do i really want? i‭ was always a confused kid growing up. i can't decide between the arts or Sports. i think i made a mistake of choosing arts. I feel like i wasted my youth not training on sports. But then again, was it all part of God's plan?

Was thinking so much on life career sports and all, 1 thing became very apparent to me: would i choose any of these, or a life dedicated to full time ministry? Somehow, i always feel the latter is the decision i should be making. I might want to find a "best of both worlds" scenario, but I'm quite sure, if i have the choose. The latter should be the choice i should be making. Heard a missionary speak to our youths the previous day. You know every word that he spake of, the challenge to pick up missions just kept begging on the door of my mind (i didnt limit to overseas mind you). There's lots to pray abt, but i have a few big problems. My r/s is God is just bad, and i cant seem to find discipline to do what i know is right/the things that will help me in ministry(qt, prayer bible study etc). I know i'm not ready but, at this state, i wonder to myself, will i ever be ready? The state i am in in terms of faith, i am extremely ashamed of. It just seem extremely impossible that situations will improve. Do i really have the desire to do so? Or is it just me deceiving myself? If the calling is real, why am i not improving/being equipped? Unless it isnt a calling? I dont know. Im confused, as always.

Well, at least i learnt a few tips from the missionary how to better make the many major decisions i have to make in my life(just a very brief one).

Aargh. There is 2 things bugging me. For the 1st, i'm struggling between wanting to think abt it, and wanting to not think abt it. The 2nd, i should be thinking abt it, but i aint.

I really wish to be that someone. I guess you can call it jealousy. But how i'd wish, i'll just be that someone. Haiz.

Large skies, open fields

Ah that sound. the sound of birds chirping on a huge empty grass patch. So beautiful. but the scenery is even better. The vast open sky, is a scenery i enjoy the most. the scenery that the huge brightly lit buildings seem far away, I always enjoyed the feeling of being in a vast open and quiet field, night or day. both gives different feelings. during the day,it gives a more happy feeling, one where you would even enjoy hearing the kids running around the field. whereas, the night gives a more serene feeling. One where I wanna lie on it and stare at the stars and fall asleep. I guess it is the carefree feeling that causes me to love it so much. not that i dislike the busy life style of sg. i love it actually. staying in a foregn country never crossed my mind before. but oh wella. It's these little things of God's creation that i i really truly enjoy.

I kinda love the changes but still hate the unchanged.

But well, there's anew/a new...

i love bein around you.
you make it easy,
as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)
theres only one thing two do three words four you.

Moving along

Sad sad,very.

Of course i keep it quiet.

And hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

I have enough evidences already.

Give me a few days to digest

And i'll move along

Go to sleep, and everything, everything will be alright, alright. (i hope)

Rejected

I am very sad.

I got smacked in the face, that i cant even qualify to be a PE teacher. Maybe God wants to close this door away from me. So sad.

All that's left is NUS which is very unlikely.

No mood to talk abt anything else.

I'll do a summary:
I learnt a good lesson abt chauvinism and doing things out of convenience on tues.

I am very glad and learning more of the role of sports frenz more. Learning more how useful the avenue of sports fren can be used to share the gospel, and it started the passion in me again, to share through sports.

And i wish i could be like seow chin( who show glimpses of Chien chong), on how to see gospel sharing opportunities when they come along, and to invoke a passion into ppl. I was just amazed how they could understand and see things so clearly that most of us cant see. The vision, the purpose, the long run; i wish i have all that eyesight. I just feel so ashamed that all we did is do and somewhat follow through the motion and getting things done, but not seeing the opportunities when it went pass us and stuff. Its hard to say but, i heard so much my mind is bursting with thoughts.

Ill pray over deciding to take up frisbee long term, as an avenue to share.

Frisbee Competition tmr is such a let down. Knockout from start? Only 8 team so can only play max 3 matches? Lol. Such a Let down.

Sometimes it feels quite stupid to update a blog that no one reads. Well, if i really want to blog to self, my as well have a private blog where i can say everything freely, then to blog to update others and no one reads. -.-

MAYBE I SHOULD CONSIDER CLOSING THIS BLOG!

Good thing is, Debbie finally replied my fb message after so long. And playmax Dry run is this sat! Woots excited.

His

I wonder how today will unfold. Being in "the force" for the 1st time during weekends and all and missing out on tg rock climbing. Well i've been pampered too much.

Was taught a good lesson today on my lack of time management. Hmm, i just realised how forgiving some ppl have been to me for my lateness. I guess I really want to start being early for things now.

Passion vs Winning.

I guess its difficult to draw the line between the two. I struggle with enjoying my bball and the fact that im so lousy and cant win games. If you cant win, its just also difficult to enjoy it. I guess I want to seek excellence in it. And if only i could jump higher, hang longer, do a few spin moves against my opponents. Wah what fun that would be. You know, growing up, i also didnt join sports cause i thought i wouldnt excel in it even though i loved it. It didnt make sense to join and be lousy. You though accolades means more. But i realised, what drives sportsman is the passion! The love for the game/your sports. The love that drives you to train week in week out, to improve your game. It goes beyond all logical sense to consider achievement. You strive to achieve, thats true. But for sports, how many achieve greatness? Yet how many plays the sports for teams, spending so much time in it? Surely its passion that drives you. And im learning to embrace my passion. DOing what i love to do, even though im old now and started a little late. Wouldnt say i have youth up my hands, but ill play, ill strive to improve. Cause I LOVE THE GAME!!! (p.s. the game is a term to describe the game of basketball)

Not that im not starting to pick up and love frisbee too. I have a competition this coming fri!Woots!

Cya at the court baby!

But im very sad of 1 thing, i'll never be the man of faith i want myself to be. I wanted to be the best i can for God, being close to Him and studying His word and all. But i realised it has always been just a dream. I realised how stupid it is to commit the same mistake more than 777 times and yet still be able to come to the Lord with the same words and asking for forgiveness. I realised what a failure i am always thinking that i need to pray i need to do QT i need to spend time with the Lord everyday. Yet everyday i fail to do so. Its always in my mind, but i always fail. Do you realise how STUPID THAT IS? Yet of course i guess i should never stop trying. i just need to TRY ALOT HARDER! I need to have a greater desire to seek the change. I guess i shouldnt want to be the man of faith i want myself to be.

I want to be His, the way He wants me to be!

Feels Different

Feels different this time round. Don't feel so bothered. You just know you have that feeling. But it does make you very happy, and somehow, even when you feel sad, you dont feel that sad. Its just like haiya. Dissappointed. Haha.

Quite shocked to see what is written on a banner that day at the bus stop. Its like right smack in front of my face. But I was like err, maybe not yet. Haha.

Ok im talking rubbish. Bb.

nick is very VERY very VERY very VERY very VERY very VERY very VERY very VERY very VERY

depressed.

Braces piece came off after i made an extra trip to dentist today. and then tmr must make another extra trip again!!!! So pissed.

I wish i have someone to complain to.