I think i should stay away from them seriously. I mean i think i cant control my feelings for feeling possesive. For the others, maybe cause it feels different from the opposite kind and i cant like feel comfortable about things. Somethings just feel odd sometimes. Sometimes i should really learn to control my emotions. I really gotta keep trying harder.

I think adrian helped made it quite clearly to me that me saying i try to love others as thyself is seriously flawed because i think i still fail cause im still rather biased towards certain groups of ppl at least. Or for some, biased against. Oh well.

Control this evil emotions of mine which aint pure.

Stop thinking of things that aint pure.

Aint? Lol. :-p

Felt a strong sense of emotion today that im afraid i cant say what feeling it is in fear that i will stumble people. But ya, Ben, Shawn, Rui and Tricia would know that i totally was avoiding ppl, even them at that time. But ya, keep me in prayer for this, that i cant let go of this emotion. Rather new though.

Ya. I got shot at just now by my mum that i cant go project serve cause i cant control my emotions. She was like, "i think some people can be full time workers but not all can, and i think you arent suitable cause you cant control your emotions". I was kinda unhappy cause i felt my mum was saying that i cant serve God cause i am a sinner? In alot of ways, my weakness was further exposed to me and i know i have to correct this. I know i have to try to change this, but i cant help to feel that its impossible to be perfect. And my mum was not allowing me to do so cause of a problem i have? And im not committing my whole life to work full time for God, even though it is considered being a full time worker under yfc for 3 months. But however, this time, im convicted that if my mum wont allow me to go, its God's calling to me that i should not go. I dont know. This time is different, though i hope someone will enlighten me more with regards to this issue.

Haiz. I never know this increasingly emotional me is giving me so much problem, especially faith wise. Time for happy photos!

This was what we were doing the whole of sat night, almost. :-p We were trying all kinds of different emotions. But i am super lousy at doing this cause im seriously never photo happy so i never learnt how to do it unnaturally. :-p This is 2. The rest are too unglam. :-p They are speak/hear/see no evil, and shocked. =)

Felt like my sis was going to die right before me

It seriously felt like my sis, michelle, was going to die before me. Thats how fearful i was. Michelle was cycling right in front of me. The crashed to the ledge to the side. The next thing i know, shes lying there. I was so shocked i shouted and immediately went to pick her up. She was so dazed, so pale. While i was carrying her to nearest shade which was quite near, seeing her was really scary. Her lips were as pale as snow, and her eyes were constantly going to close. I kept talking to her, kept telling her not to sleep, just in case she actually did fell asleep and who knows what happened! When we stopped, she was even more dazed. She could hardly tell whats happening around her, and she can only tell me she knocked her head and her right ear couldnt hear anything. Then we wanted her to lie down to ensure blood flows to her brain cause she knocked her head and couldnt even hear. She was almost jelly like, and we were trying to help her sit and then lie down. At that point, she really almost fell asleep, lying there she dazed till she closed her eyes. Luckily she quickly woke up, and regained consciousness. She said she didnt really knew what happened when we reached the shed, and lost consciousness, and couldnt even see, Only seeing white light, and then hallucinating she was cycling with someone, but till now cant tell who's that. Thank God that she really became alright after that, becoming normal and talking normal to people, but did broke down to tears at some point.

I learned 1 thing at least, that i didnt trust God at that point. I was so worried and concerned with her that i didnt pray. Thank God that he's faithful, and shes alright. I could only remember to thank Him after that. But seriously, thank God shes alright. I was the only one who witnessed her fall, i was holding her to the shed, seeing her pale and constantly closing her eyes, brought so much fear that, shes gonna leave like that, though i know its alright that God wants to call her home, we still dont want her to leave yet.

If its His will.

After that, rui, tricia and me hanged at the beach at night after dinner. Was so cool and fun. We ended up taking photos, sitting down at the beach side, or different kinds of emotions. Haha. Quite crazy but it was so fun. =)

Well, all in all, i would say it was much more joy than to call it a sad day with a bad accident. Its just joyful that shes alright, and had quite alot of crazy fun at night. =)

I wanted to suntan, ended up getting sunburnt now that i realized it. Im all red now lah. Played soccer the whole morn like until 12 plus then swim till 2 wah i got more than i wanted.

Last few days i have not been home the whole day. Since exams ended. Tues out shopping for friends presents with classmates then pool. At night parachute band concert then supper. Reach home 11. Wed woke up at 9 plus go bladding then go yuan's house "watch movie" then at night only came back 12 plus. This morn woke up 9(which was late) then soccer. Wah. Onyl time tonight came back for a meal and no ones at home. -.- Anyway next few days trying to make full use of my time staying out. Haha.

Yay. Project serve, here i come!

Always wanted to do this. I will never get the chance to have 1 full term of sch(10 weeks free) to serve God in my youth, so now is a great time to join project serve, by yfc. Its hard to go to details, especially since i havent decided which ministry to go to yet but its great to serve the Lord and i really dont mind being in any ministry. But its not easy lah. Must go around asking ppl to support me going project serve(financially). Sounds very challenging especially doing evangelism on a more regular basis and 9-5 everyday on weekdays, but it really helps me grow and i hope to do so. And i get to go do missions for 2 weeks! Its something that i always fear of doing and i always wanted to challenge myself even if i dont really like going overseas and stuff. :-p

There is a whole list of things i wanna do, im going to list it out, but i can guarantee i cant fulfill all or even 1 or 2 if im going to project serve. In no order of importance.

1)Take up dancing lessons.
2) Be august's disciple. :-p
3) Take up swimming lessons
4) Gym regularly(crap i realized i cant do that if i go yfc!!!)
5)learn jap(for anime) or korean(for korean wave, and simply just love the lang :-p)
6)Buy a piano and take up piano lessons
7)Fully know how to play the guitar(im still in the process of it, but learning myself in my spare time whenever possible)
8) Take up bible study classes(think i dont have to do this if i join project serve)

Trying to do even a few of this can be quite taxing on top of yfc, yf and stuff. Am going to stay committed to yf(hopefully). Ben wants me to help the yf (i wonder what do i need to help on? Lol.) I see how 1st bah. Whichever i think i feel a more need or am more keen(plus opportunity to do so), i'll take up whichever bah. Financially its going to be hard too cause im not working(and even require support) and lessons require money.

Im thinking of changing blogskin soon. I just dont like black background though i like this skin. Wordpress seems tempting cause can hide posts and can do away with tagboard cause i really prefer comment box. I see how 1st bah im lazy to move and all. Blogger has its benefits too. :-p

Yay i got 2 new parachute band albums, and dled rain's last 2 albums and csjh's new album! Still havent got my hand on suju's new album onyl got their 4 new song in their remaked version. Im thinking of supporting csjh by buying their album but troublesome cause must go online to find, order and all the hassle. Remember im not at home much these days wont be sitting in front of com much too. It explains my reluctance to start reading soompi forums again and keeping up with dbsk, suju and csjh. Dont have the time to keep up with them. Maybe once my life is slowing down and not so much activities then i'll start! See 1st bah.

I want my new qt material!!! Gosh still havent got my hands on it.

Latest news: Family is in town! Gosh i came home to eat dinner with them, but then they are not home i should've stayed out lor. Nvm lah ai ya stay home use com watch my show! I missed the last 2 episodes casue im not at home. And heroes!!

This chapter of my life has come to an end. And really i can all things le. =)

The fleeting desires of youths! I want to get up and stop behaving like a kid and start growing up in maturity, especially in God. Music? Korean wave? Anime? Gaming? Computer? PS? Tv? i want to learn to relieve any addiction that may hinder my walk with God. Key word is learn. Cause i still cant. And all these things i dare say to a certain extent i am addicted to.

I AM SUPER SUPER HAPPY!!! I HAVE SOLVED MY PROBLEMS!!! IM A RELEASED SOUL!!! Released back to God that is. Haha. I cant reveal much, just that its a problem bothering me and i solved it "within myself" with advice bah.

Im super relieved. I can feel the joy of post A's now. Woohoo!!! All my burdens are gone. God has relieved me. And now im going to fully focus on God, glorifying Him and hopefully doing his work too!!!

End of A lvl's/ My views, My thoughts

Now how to end this. I've more or less decided how to, its just whether ppl'a advice permits me to.

Its the end. So what? I dont feel a tinge of even relieve. I guess its cause i have added a heavier burden on top of even A's that even though it ended, i dont feel relieved of my burdens at all. That being said, i guess i will feel happier and keep my mind occupied from it till i get a solution tonight!

Sometimes i wonder what goes through ppl's mind. If they want to lead you in 1 direction, why lead you back? Though now, im not convinced anymore.

Its going to be tough. I dont feel like dealing with it once the time comes closer, even though when im suffering from all of it, i want to do contrarily. But i know, i have to face the music someday. This should not continue, and thus it has to end.

This week.

Despite nonsensical writings in the last post, it isnt that bad, cause im always prepared for this. I always told Him i would be prepared, and i told Him, that i'll always only follow His will. Its hard not to feels sad if its true.

Is just the label "christian" ever good enough. Someone from church asked me before regarding this issue. I still believe im not wrong. We happen to talk abt these matters, i guess she was just questioning friends or maybe even potential partners. The criteria is not christian but a God centered life. At least the evidence of faith. God centeredness is to me, just the basic. Though its a tough criteria to find, because it varies due to ppl's definition of God centeredness relative to their own. If ppl even put God centeredness as a criteria rather than just a christian, they would only believe they are strong in faith or God centred relative to themeselves. But sometimes its not enough. My parents are the greatest example. Maybe because i believe so, as my Dad is a backslided christian if he is one in the 1st place. The results? You'll know it if you know me well enough.

What's your criteria? Certainly the world will say character(which obviously our criterias of looks and all the other criterias due to the pleasures of the worlds is wrong totally to God), even character to God is only important if they are the fruits of the spirit. Preference to personality is seriously due to our shortcomings which aint biblical at all. I guess all of us, being human, always have unspoken criteria's that aint Godly, me included. Even my friend told me, which guy would think of a relationship as a glorification to God, or think of it as 1 of his main motives? "Its so weird" as she would say, but after the discussion i still cant make her realize, it is indeed, a motive he should have. Like yuan argued with me the other day, every action that is not for the glorification of God is SIN!!! Even love. What is love? Dont ask me. I dont know neither.

All i know that im keeping hold to, the 3 criterias that i read from a book. Love is self sacrificing. Another verse says love is patient, love is kind... And last but most importantly, Love is obeying the commandments of our God. I feel that if this tingly feeling of love coincides with these 3 things(i think theres more), i think we can qualify that feeling as love God wants us to have, and we'll receive blessing from our God.

At least i think i do have.

Beneath the mask hides a tearful face,
Beneath the craziness, loneliness looms
O what joy i would have if people understood my feelings.
O what joy it is if i could express it, and it be accepted.

No fun seems appealing,
No joy seems fulfilling,
No company seems desirable,
Yea, except one.

Hopes were high, but things ain't the same anymore.
O how sadly things have to come to this.
O how dreadful that it has to end.
But its come to this, it should end.

I guess the sooner i dont solve this, the more problems i would have. I think its time, to put an end to this. No matter the ending, i think we should end this.

I guess everyone has their expectations, and i guess you're just like any other.

I remember the day where it all started, 26 jan to be exact. I would say i felt it was God's leading. The climax was in oct. All to be revealed if i decided it should.

This is dedicated to my dear Father in heaven. Maybe except one or 2 liners in this lyrics, and calling dear Father as baby, haha, it express my feelings fully.

Hope you love it, Dad.

Home
Westlife

Verse 1
Another summer day has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome, I wanna go home
Maybe surrounded by a million people I
Still feel all alone, I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two, “’I’m fine baby how are you?”
Well, I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that
Another airplane, another sunny place I’m lucky I know
but I wanna go home, I’ve got to go home

Chorus
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I gotta come home
Let me go home
I’ve had my run, baby I’m done
I wanna come home

Verse 2
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
‘Cause this was not your dream, but you always believed in me
Another winter day has come and gone away
In neither Paris nor Rome and I wanna go home
I miss you, you know

Chorus
Let me go home
I‘ve had my run
Baby I’m done
I wanna go home
Let me go home
It’ll all be alright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Sometimes im so caught up with things that i forgot to pray for the salvation of my friend. Even when its only 1 and this friend is close. And i simply forgot and did not put it as priority i guess. Haiz.

Im so used to saying what i feel, especially uncomfortable feelings, that im so used to letting it out in my blog that when i decided not to, it makes me more uncomfortable to restrain myself.

On another note, i am kinda sad i will always be in rui and adrian's shadows. Its something i always would love to do, but i never get the chance to. Haiz. Maybe i didnt grow around here, thus ppl don't ask me to. Its sad, at least to me, cause i would always love to do it, and is something i would always crave to do, but i guess i have not much experience in such small groups anyway. =( Well, i dont even get the chance! I wish to do it someday, someday soon. I guess i should cherish it once i could.

Sometimes saying "let Thine will be done" isnt so easy. Sometimes when things dont go to plan, then you'll like, shucks i dont know i feel lost cause the situation is not in my control though i always seem to think of how to control it, not knowing, that its never in my control. Once it is like that, i guess, in so many things, i truly learn how to drive "let Thine will be done" home. Or in other words, to really learn to do it. Only when your resolve is tested, then only can you make it stronger.

Hopefully its alright.

I remember listening to this song on my friend's dad's car when he sends me to sch every morning. Haha. A La Ben's kinda song. Suddenly felt nostalgic listening to this. Haha.


Please Forgive Me
Bryan Adams

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on

So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me

This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch

We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do

Gosh. I'm lost. I dont know what to say what not to say already. Haiz. I guess i my as well not say anything.

*excited**excited**excited*

*distracted**distracted**distracted*

What what? Its not over? Back to studying... Right right.

>.<

*excited**distracted**excited**distracted*

Grr.

I have decided- to change my mind.

Avoiding is good i guess. I decided not to go, cause ive decided not to come too. No matter how i tell people, maybe they might not understand it like i do. To many more, they will think its a wrong decision. I dont know. I think at my point in time, i think i've justified my reasons well enough. Then again, this avoiding step might be only 1, but however, there might be many more. I guess i cant see things in the same light anymore. My decisions are barely linked with the word "God" anymore. Maybe my decision is also so that i can avoid the problem of my faith too. Well, at least, my mother agrees with me. My mother always tells me to do so similarly, but i always brushes it aside. Maybe now, i see it in the same light as she does.

Avoiding to even bring it up.

What they see as funny, could hardly bring a smile to me anymore. What is a joke just seem so hypocritical to me. If you can say that, then why do that? Its not funny to say that. I dont know. I dont like what i SEE and HEAR today.

My absence frm blogging doesnt reflect the amount of time i study. i just found interest in other things and spent the whole week wasting time on it.

I have become a coach potato seriously. My heart is seriously "fat". It hurts quite badly even when im not running fast. Ran once yesterday for like 2-3 months of no exercise. I have dropped from little fitness to zero fitness. Hate it. Getting out of zero fitness is always going to be very tough from getting outta little fitness.

I think my decision is made up already.

But i guess God never allows it when things do not go the way he will want it. Praise the Lord. Ive changed my mind. Not that its only cause someone to talk. Before that, God has already worked in my mind, and it started changing. The call only added strength to the whispering of Him. Plus sitting down and thinking abt it, i came to much realization. Once again, praise the lord, and i thank God, that hopefully some things has changed. This verse came to mind, even when i watched a show, and it talked abt selflessness. And i came to realization, of many other things too, which i truly, wanna thank God abt. =)

Luke 22:42b nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

And i will say: Amen- Let it be done.

1 more week!!!

Wake me up when A lvl(september) ends.