Its A Lie

Life is a lie. Its all a lie. Everything is a pretense. Everyone is pretending. Dreams are lies. And i cant stand dreaming them. Its those things where you keep die trying not to think of, and you live it in your dreams. Being in church often entails pretense- pretending who you aren't. Pretending you just want to talk to certain few ppl instead of everyone else. Pretending you are fine talking to certain ppl when they are pretending they are fine talking to you.

Actually i dont even know what im talking abt, cause im trying to be so vague.

All i know is, life is a lie. And i dont want to live this life.

Struggling to find sufficiency in christ. Cause i feel that im leaving everyday like there's no meaning in everyday. Its just mundane. Nothin to look forward to. And i dont enjoy doing anything anymore. It all seems boring.

EVERYTHING dissapoints.

Theres no joy in me anymore.
At breaking point.

A song from the serial i've been watching. Kinda describes. But i feel better. Finally realized wheres the ministry i could really serve in and enjoy it. But its not in church.

真的, 我沒事 I'll be fine

On and on, the pain goes on
And it wouldn't just wouldn't die
我竟远比想像中软弱旦无能为力
对你的眼神选择了逃避恨自己恨自己
On and on, the pain lives on
It's hurting so much more
就像我被悔不当初的罪恶吞去
惩罚过后能否带来解脱I'll be fine I'll be fine
So many cried, listening to God
让坚强不只是种伪装
So many lies, listening to you
天亮后I will be fine
On and on, the pain goes on and
I just don't know how to cope
伸手抱住自己是否就能够不再空虚
最后信念别放弃I will be fine I will be fine
So many cried, listening to you希望你能再给我力量
So many lies, listening to you什么时候I will be fine
当我再也不对任何事期待只剩下你只剩下你
有天当我舍弃一切见你请你要微笑不语
So many cried, listening to you希望你能再给我力量
So many lies, listening to you什么时候I will be fine

I wish i could do something about it, but all i feel is anguish, sianness and a total void/emptiness feeling.

Hopefully its just monday blue's. :-p

I want to stay over at heath's place more often! I never liked dogs. But somehow, on a peaceful, quiet, but hot sunday afternoon, its just so nice to be using the laptop and playing with the 2 dogs with them rolling around next to you. Plus its so peacefully quiet! No car sound, no bus sound. Just the sound of environment. I didnt really noticed it at night, but well during the day then i realize, how great it would be to stay at a peacefully quiet home.

Sometimes. :-p

I need to find some social activities to do! I just cant stand it that i have not played bball/soccer or something along those lines for so long. I'm just overworked from work and work. Finish army still got work. im only free for 1 weekday nights due to commitments, plus sat morn! Bah!!!

But from nov, im joining a dance course! Woots! For 10 weeks!

Taiwan Serial: Hot Shot & Tracy Zhou!

These are pics from a serial i have been watching this week! A serial called Hot Shot! I have never really liked taiwan serials, but i got so addicted to this, the past week! Maybe its cause of basketball. Haha. Gosh i have never thought an actress was seriously good looking for a long time. Lina from CSJH is probably just as good looking, but this Tracy Zhou(the lead actress) is the 1st for an actress. Oh, but all her past photos/profile pics make her look just like any other celebrity. Only in the serial, the way she dress maybe, then will i find her different. Just compare the 1st few photos with the last one. I just couldnt believe seeing all the other photos that it was her. Watch the serial. I dint find her good looking at 1st, like i was arguing with my sisters that another model looking supporting actress is just as good looking, but the more i watch the show, the more i realize shes different.

Haru Haru (Day by Day), by Big Bang

Brought back down to the same me today, fighting against the evil "D" word, and negative feelings. But I'm fine, i have lots of strength these days just being sufficient in Christ! (or at least i try to be) I look back and realize, i was in the big "D" the past month. Hopefully it has passed.

Going Kevin's cell on sat and Heath's hse(his bungalow) after that. Makes perfect sense to do so cause they are both in katong and after tuition in bukit Timah. Dont need to travel to and fro rushing so much. Bleah.

Listening to Haru Haru(Day by Day) by Big Bang since tues makes me all excited that i can repeatedly listen to the same song a thousand times. The sad beginning, followed by the hot blooded, angsty dance beats with the sad piano playing in the background! You know, this song makes me imagine. It makes me imagine of all the things that i would want to do, would wanna be, but will not cause i think i have a different calling. Listening to this song makes me think of all the vivid imagines of things i really wanna do. And the only way i think i'll ever live it, is through listening to this song. Come on, listen to it thousand over times with me!

Beginning:
Leave
Finally i realize i am nothing without you
i was wrong forgive me

End:
Oh girl, i cry cry,
you're my all, say goodbye bye
oh my love don't lie lie
you're my heart, say goodbye

[Verse 1; GD + TOP]
My broken heart is like a wave
My shaken heart is like a wind

My heart vanished like smoke
It can’t be removed like a tattoo
I sigh deeply as if the ground is going to cave in
Only dust are piled up in my mind
(say goodbye)

[GD Rap]
Yeah, I thought I wouldn’t be able to live even one day without you
But somehow I managed to live on (longer) than I thought
You don’t answer anything as I cry out “I miss you”
I hope for a vain expectation but now it’s useless

[TOP Rap]
What is it about that person next to you, did she make you cry?
Dear can you even see me, did you forget completely?
I am worried, I feel anxiety because I can’t get close nor try to talk to you
I spend long nights by myself, erasing my thoughts a thousand times

[Chorus]
Don’t look back and leave
Don’t find me again and live (on)
Because I have no regrets from loving you, take only the good memories
I can bear it in some way
I can stand in some way
You should be happy if you are like this
I become dull day by day (eh eh eh eh)

[Verse 2; SR + DS]
If we pass by each other on the street
Act like you didn’t see me and go the way you were walking to
If you keep thinking about our past memories
I might go look for you secretly

[GD] Always be happy with her, (so) I won’t ever get a different mind
Even smallest regret won’t be left out ever
Please live well as if I should feel jealous

[TOP] You should always be like that bright sky, like that white cloud
Yes, you should always smile like that as if nothing happened

God's Revelations

God's Revelations

Job 22:21 "Agree with God, and be at peace; thereby good will come to you.
Job 22:22 Receive instruction from his mouth, and lay up his words in your heart.
Job 22:23 If you return to the Almighty you will be built up; if you remove injustice far from your tents,
Job 22:24 if you lay gold in the dust, and gold of Ophir among the stones of the torrent-bed,
Job 22:25 then the Almighty will be your gold and your precious silver.
Job 22:26 For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty and lift up your face to God.
Job 22:27 You will make your prayer to him, and he will hear you, and you will pay your vows.
Job 22:28 You will decide on a matter, and it will be established for you, and light will shine on your ways.
Job 22:29 For when they are humbled you say, 'It is because of pride'; but he saves the lowly.
Job 22:30 He delivers even the one who is not innocent, who will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands."

Ti 6:6 Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment,
1Ti 6:7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.
1Ti 6:8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.

Php 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
Php 4:5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;
Php 4:6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Php 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Php 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Php 4:9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.
Php 4:10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity.
Php 4:11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
Php 4:12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.
Php 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

2Co 12:1 I must go on boasting. Though there is nothing to be gained by it, I will go on to visions and revelations of the Lord.
2Co 12:2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven--whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows.
2Co 12:3 And I know that this man was caught up into paradise--whether in the body or out of the body I do not know, God knows--
2Co 12:4 and he heard things that cannot be told, which man may not utter.
2Co 12:5 On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses.
2Co 12:6 Though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me.
2Co 12:7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.
2Co 12:8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.
2Co 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2Co 12:10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

1Ti 6:11 But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness.
1Ti 6:12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
1Ti 6:13 I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontius Pilate made the good confession,
1Ti 6:14 to keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ,
1Ti 6:15 which he will display at the proper time--he who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords,
1Ti 6:16 who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen.

New Life In Christ

New Life in Christ! Awakened& filled with the Holy Spirit! Added joy that i'm so thankful for- I shared to someone today! God works wonders!

God has chosen to take away most of my r/s from my life. All at the same time. But you know, i start to realize now, that im so glad, cause God wants to bring me closer to Him. He wants me to give up all these things for Him. And i surrendered and said, if its your will, take them away. And i shall value them no more! And all only but put God, in sole 1st place in my heart.

I look at others and say, why take mine, and not theirs'? And i realize im just being blessed in this manner. Cause it just shows me how much this is A blessing! Trials are blessings that others dont have! Blessings to draw you closer to God. Thats such a new thought! The bumps are what you climb on. If theres no bumps, theres no way you can "rockclimb" closer to God.

Thats why its so impt for me to be single! I need to only have God in my heart now. Thats what Paul means by its actually the best to remain single. Though i doubt i will, but for now, its so impt.

Renew Me O Lord. Help me to surrender All, and come to you with a clean heart, giving up all my sins.

Renew Me
Avalon


Why am I such a dusty window
For your light to shine through?
Why am I just a tiny star
In a sky already blue?
Why do I offer everything
With my heart closed like a fist?
I want to love You better than this

Why do I live like I'm in chains
When You have set me free?
And why do I have to break Your heart
Before I fall to my knees?
I know it's time to pray for change
Give all I have to give
I want to love You better than this

So renew me, Remake me
Undo me, Unbreak me
Come into the empty spaces
Of my broken places
And consume me, Complete me
Pursue me, Redeem me
Let Your Holy Spirit living through me
Renew me

I need Your power to renew me, Lord, yeah
I need to know You're moving through me, Lord

I need You as my refuge
My first and last resort
Be the river always running
Through my deepest thoughts
Keep me in Your arms
'Cause even when I drift
I want to love You better than this

So renew me, Remake me
Undo me, Unbreak me
Come into the empty spaces
Of my broken places
And consume me, Complete me
Pursue me, Redeem me
Let Your Holy Spirit living through me
Renew me

My life bending to Your will
Seeking You until I'm more and more like You

So renew me, Remake me
Undo me, Unbreak me
Come into the empty spaces
Of my broken places
And consume me, Complete me
Pursue me, Redeem me
Let Your Holy Spirit living through me
Renew me

Im becoming increasingly disillusioned abt so many things. Doesnt help that prayer is almost absolutely absent in my life this past week. No wait, i guess its a result of.

SIAN! Is the only thing filling my mind now.

Irresponsibility brings yet another damaged r/s. Make that 2. I am totally sian after spoiling another thriving friendship thats suppose to head upwards. Irresponsibility haiz.

And thanks to a talk with jo, Im just in a grr mood now. He keeps shooting me and i cant stand it. Told him i dont want to argue with him on certain matters, but My msn just go ringing non stop and im just resisting and trying to ignore him.

Emergency meeting with kevin tmr! Just great to hear his big problem is solved. heard he had some major probs on thurs!

At least 1 r/s is healed. And im meeting rachel finally again.

Just so sian i spoiled another thriving r/s. Sucks. There goes everyone outta the window.

I need reflections, no wait prayer, on delighting in God, and my purposes.

That sms was such a reminder, to pray and not to think in certain ways. It just keeps encourages me to

keep on striving, of things of faith, and not give up the God whom loved me so.

I guess its really true that you cant tell ppl certain things. But i guess its true to get that reprimanding. The word which starts with an "i" is correct maybe, and im just being unteachable i guess. Not willing to listen and accept "truths".

I guess God is stll a distance far away.

I feel ultra used. I should stop mixing with her, cause im starting to find that i am being influenced. Urgghh. I dont know why i mix with her all the time in the 1st place. Her and her "Bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit". This phrase is from a movie from a bimbo! Haha. And is a common word used by my dad.

All tks to cherie for recommending this song, "the man who cant be moved"! And oh. During this week i was like how can i forget this song "She's out of my life" originally by mj but i 1st heard it by josh groban. 2 totally diff singers/rendition, but 1 beautiful song. Ben wld agree with me. Lyrics just speaks volumes.

She's Out Of My Life


[1st Verse]
She's Out Of My Life
She's Out Of My Life
And I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry
I Don't Know Whether To Live Or Die
And It Cuts Like A Knife
She's Out Of My Life

[2nd Verse]
It's Out Of My Hands
It's Out Of My Hands
To Think For Two Years She Was Here
And I Took Her For Granted I Was So Cavalier
Now The Way That It Stands
She's Out Of My Hands

[Bridge]
So I've Learned That Love's Not Possession
And I've Learned That Love Won't Wait
Now I've Learned That Love Needs Expression
But I Learned Too Late

[3rd Verse]
She's Out Of My Life
She's Out Of My Life
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride
Kept My Love For Her Locked Deep Inside
And It Cuts Like A Knife
She's Out Of My Life

The Script
The Man Who Can't Be Moved lyrics

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

Say Hi to God/advise.

Womens are the most unpredictable creatures in the world!

Women are liars!(wait thats generalizing) Ppl are liars!(wait thats generalizing also too) Well, nobody likes to hear lies. Nobody like to think others lied to you. Nobody likes to know others told a lie to you. But oh well, im a darn liar too so....

Anyway, thks to someone for giving me advice. It was very practical, very true. I guess i was waiting for that kinda advise. So different but so true. So wise. God was mentioned only like twice in the talk? Yet i know God is behind every advice He gives. Its funny. I havent got advice from him like this for some like 3 years??? Funny, a similarly dire situation happened 3 years ago(but its on a totally diff matter). And somehow both times, and especially surprisingly this time too, my emotions just poured out. Barely happens, but i guess im just saying out all the sadness and the problems that are burdening me on my shoulders. And again, even after 3 years, he gave me such wise advise that made me so dearly respect him. Ability to discern is something i think is a gift to his family! Tks theres still part 2 . -_-

Change is so difficult. And some problems, just cant be solved with a snap of a finger. But i guess they are things that help you grow. Its nice to welcome God again.

More than just feelings.

I feel really really used and betrayed. Some ppl took chance of my downfall and used it to his advantage to get ____. Aargh i want to say but am afraid to say. Shucks. Something tells me never to trust ppl. How can i forgive? I dont know how and find it increasingly and increasingly difficult.

I am becoming increasingly wayward in my thoughts. I guess this time of testing is really too tough for me. I would say its probably as difficult as the period when i had A's- it is THE most difficult time with everything hitting me at once.

I find myself increasingly unwilling to get right with God with bitterness, and also because of my own sinful nature. I just cant pray when my heart is unwilling to forgive.

Tmr is an awfully sian day. Hopefully can go to Ben's to chill tmr!

Somebody owes me a horror movie outing.

God calling me back with wonderful singing and wonderful lyrics which is such reminder of God's love. Especially the 1st verse. Haiz. i need forgiveness and i need to forgive. When can i say my chains fell off, and my heart was free?


And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

Disorientated & Disheartened

I am seriously disorientated. The qns that keeps popping to mind is, What am I living for? What is it in the week that i am looking forward to? What is the next thing im looking forward to? What are my motivations in doin so many things? The whole orientation is off. I look at my week and its like uurggh its another week and i dont see positives in yet another week, but then i qn why? Is it cause i'm not living for God or having the right mindset going through life's daily activities? I'm always looking forward to life's next exciting event- but it should really be looking forward to Christ's 2nd coming. This is something i learned at a prayer mtg last week. I look at my week and am extremely despondent.

And i am starting to feel that i feel better throught the week days than i actually do on weekends. Cause i have expectations of weekends which never actually materialise. I dont know. I am seriously entertaining the thought of changing church, mainly cause i feel out of place and am unable to serve with the best of abilities. The only reason im not leaving is cause im tied down recently by more and more responsibilities. Camp comm, Christmas choir, and special item for reform Sun. I dont know i have these struggles and wanna share in depth with someone but actually dont know who to tell it to. Church has become more and more of a problem. I shant say too much here.

But im increasingly struggling with many things at the same time now. Increasingly sinful, and i wonder whether im increasingly being irrational, or at least this period. At least i was glad to be talking to someone for 2 hrs over the phone just now and im very glad in reading what rachel said in 1 of her messages.

"Looks like you need a dose of happy rachel!"

Another amusing thing happened last fri at work. Colin was going through my photos posted on my desk cubicle walls when he went like "Who is this..."
my reply: blah blah

"who is this...."
my reply: blah blah

" Oh Who is this in black T?"
my reply: *censored*

"Oh do you want me to tear the photo for you?" (LOL!)

And im increasingly being more "worldly". I think i will choose to believe Shirlene that females are liars. They usually lie with regards to certain topics. And yes guys too. I will choose not to believe some of they're words anymore. Everyone lies right? Who is righteous enough to say they dont lie? Yet thats why i should not believe what they say as truth in its entirety. I always trusted ppl to "say the truth". I trusted them to not lie. But i increasingly think i shld be wary and not place too much trust- thats what my mum says anyway.

Liars and Hypocrites! (wait thats me -.-)

close frens i no longer have. Trust i no longer have.

And its interesting to hear comments that some ppl THINK they're rational, but at the same time, they are very emotional too. And to think that they wont mix the two tgt? yea dont seem quite possible. And then starts self delusion by saying that it was a rational decision when it was a mixed one.

I am having a facebook hiatus! I'm totally not gonna touch it for now. The reason is secret for the moment but i dont know i have this irking feeling abt facebook, so i wont!

Weird

This is getting weirder and weirder and weirder. I totally feel weird mixing with church ppl! Its like i now only have a tendency to want to mix with 1 friend, because everyone else is just like superficial. But cannot la, cannot mix wth this fren too much cause dont want her to feel weird also expecially because of all the sequence of events. But doesnt help that everyone is like huh cannot connect and im mixing with random ppl superficially. Like going back with Chun Kit Shawn jamie is just really weird. And it really irritates me and bothers me when i cannot mix and talk crap with someone, like in table games. I wish kevin was from our church seriously. In the past there was yuan or hens and rui, but now its like huh super weird. I guess im a very individualistic person- i mix with ppl alone, and to only a certain few. Its very bad cause ill feel weird mixing with most other ppl all the time?

And i guess i've been very selfish today. VERY! I know it but i dont care? Bad la. And i should stick back to not using crude words again like "what the heck" anymore. I started to not bother cause Ben said that it is ok? So you know i thought yea ok maybe its fine, but i guess if ppl notice then its not fine anymore? Need to change, and my selfishness today too.

This is bad- im really not feeling comfortable mixing with most ppl! Gosh. I'm so sorry to Cheryl if ive been trying to mix with her alot but yea i feel somewhat at ease talking with her for now, but ill try not to mix too much!

Its good there are ppl like arthur- though we are of diff frequencies, at least we are concerned about each other! And Ben- must talk to Ben more!

A Very Very Long Week

Wow. Look back at the past week, i couldn't believe it was JUST 1 WEEK!!! It was such a long week for me. Looking back and im like, wasnt that 2-3 weeks long? Lol. A crazy week. Things that has been bothering me so much. Waking up in pain. Thank God it all but lasted till somewhere around tuesday morning. I cant describe how painful waking up everyday before tuesday was. I dont quite understand though. I thought i had forgotten about it since it had happened some like 1 month ago. But hearing somethings is quite painful. I guess its because some ppl are going to make the mistakes i didnt want to make in the past 1 and a half years. Its like i suffered for so long and now you're going to make the same mistake. Tsk! No matter! They are ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD for it. I think i did the right thing even if it was just my wishful thinkings. I'm glad i did, no matter what. Not being proud, but its comforting i suffered for the right reasons. Haha. But happy it only lasted till Tues! Gosh these emotions really kills you and you just feel so negative like everything's black and white and boring and meaningless and blah blah.... Just glad normal me came back on thurs! Though im still trying hard to start to get down to doing work again. Sian.

Thank God for sufferings! It's during times like these that keeps us close to God. I kept reminding myself of God's word and it kept me through persevering, even though it seemed so hard to persevere at that point of time. It was time when suicidal thoughts could be entertained and life seemed utterly meaningless when ive been putting myself through other ppl's standards and having that as a motivation in certain things. I guess ever since Thurs when i felt better i felt abit more distant to God. WHOOPS!

Its not like i have totally lost all feelings. Sometimes reading somethings still brings some irritating feelings. But its ok. Soon it'll go too.

Someone once commented that i didnt even start a r/s and i loved so much. What happens when you get into one and broke up? Lol. I dont know man.

Read some notes on marriage from ben. Gave me some new ideas and guidelines on relationships. No sooner than a year after knowing the person.(sian) The male don't have to be the intellectual superior(ok thats diff) and alot of misconceptions on how we set our standards. Like the spiritual aspects: what is the proper standards and misconceptions. I cant remember all of em i must read again.

Went to island creamery on tues like finally! Bought a tub home and just finished it today! Brought Kevin to meet my church friends. Haha. I just feel so bad that he travelled with us to tamp on JM's car when he lives in katong and is rushing home. JM lah joke abt dropping debbie at city hall but didnt.

Been catching up with so many ppl recently. Caught up with my prayer buddy, Samuel when i was at YFC and finally talked to him ever since we went to BMT! We used to talk so much and pray 3 times a week for half an hour about everything! Caught up with Sab Tong on Fri! Think can catch up with Deb Tan this week! Deb Tan is like one of my 1st few friends in church and an old friend whom we often talked through smses but increasingly i havent bothered to talk to her especially since she's been MIA. Oh and finally got to talk to Jun Yuan 2 weeks ago. He was such a help to me when i just came to church and someone i really respected because he was the one who taught me the meaning of the Lord's prayer. I was just telling how i am so grateful for him in my life and even though he's been quite a lukewarm christian the past few years, God makes use of ppl no matter how small they are and he did play a part in helping me grow in my early years. Thank God for ppl. (sad things is, at the moment im trying to be postive abt all the ppl that dont seem impt at the moment!)

Braces are coming soon!

Haha. So like shocked by all the music min peeps when they heard i was going to conduct the choir. Haha. They all gave me THAT STARE! And Aunty Alicia and Aunty Dawn was like pretending to strangle me! haha. Trying to scare me obviously to instill fear in me when i was already am especially when i was prac with Aug earlier! I was growingly fearful especially talking to Aug just before the 1st prac.