:)

However, I wish the POSSIBLY happy things is all i would think abt. However, i am faced with big problems! and i can help but be very bothered abt it. Too ashamed to even say anything here.

But ask, and you shall know.

Clicks- In the Wrong One

I totally hate it that i am i dislike the click that i am in. I guess i always had high expectations for closer friends. The click that i am in, in the past, i guess we always have the same things in common. The things to do together everything we hang out, chilling and stuff. Most importantly, all of us had the same hunger for God. Talk about spirituals issues occasionally, sharing things that help each other in our walks. Just dont like it that when some left and new ones sorta came in eventually, the click sorta changed. Many a times we waste time(in my opinion) doing nonsense stuff. Being childish, and just being the "play" mates i used to term certain friends- friends that dont think at the same level, dont share your life and stuff. You know that kinda friend that you're really not close- if you're not around, it doesnt really bother them, if something happened to your life, it doesnt really bother them. Ppl who hang out together now but in the future and when we all have diff commitments, we'll stop talking that kind. I'm not talking abt all of em, just half of em.

Its kinda tough mixing with ppl you dont really enjoy doing so, especially being a social freak like me, who seeks comfort in close friends. I guess sociable or not, everyone has a close click of friends- ones whom companionship they really enjoy. I dont have one now. In the past in church, i did. When i was in YFC, i did. But all these while in church, since the past, it just never existed anymore. And it doesnt help that i'm at a place where i wont know new ppl anymore.

Its so depressing to not have certain needs like these met. :((

And i totally give up trying to serve when they dont wanna use me. Been asking for it for such a long time, probably almost a month and yet no response. I dont know whether its not my fault in making myself useful, but i know i've been wasting one month month times don't know how many hours everyday being a stayout waiting for a chance to serve. If the leader does not give you the opportunity how can you take things into your own hands? And so be it. I'll find OTHER things to make full use of my time, as i am accountable for it.

Happiness During Weakness

I'm Happy, since last night. Again, its the little things. But whats wrong in feeling joy in the little things? Hmm, things changed, but maybe cause ppl change, and treatment across the board changes, thus, change.

But some ppl dont change, like Jo. Pls tell me not to go home with Him again. I was like grr just now. =(

But anyway, another happy thing. To my surprise, bumped into the girls from my JC class after medical appointment when they were having lunch. When i saw Hui Ling call, I'm like, she call wrong no isit? Lol. Then they were telling me, when they saw me, they were like, cant be lah, nick is in army. LOL! Havent seen em in close to half a year and its good to see em again. =)

Really dont like it that when you want to talk to ppl they like dont wanna forgive/talk to you. Then when they do an hour later you're expected to oblige immediately. And i'm talking abt a friend! I guess that is true forgiveness. Able to forgive whatever the circumstances. No wonder forgiveness is hard!

Trying not to focus on the negatives but on the good things that happened!

Cause i'm so drained by relationships and the lack thereof again.

Loneliness.

Kev we really shld meet up soon!

My interests or His interests?

My interests or His interests?

You know. I'm at that crossroads where big decisions cross me. I cant say i cannot decide anymore. Not for too log more at least. I need to make decisions very soon. The sooner, the better. Thats where i can focus all energy to do something to the best of my ability.

You know what? Even though Fri's message on Go forth conference was deemed bad but a few ppl, all it takes is for God to use the Holy Spirit to convict you on 1 thing that is you never really thought of, and there you have it, a fruitful time. Mine was this. It just happened that night, there was a video shown. There was this youth who said this: Do what you can for God with the best of your ability. Sounds normal? Let me rephrase this sentence into the thought that striked me.

"Make full use of your best ability, and do it to the best of your ability"

However, dont take my thought too literally. God gave the Holy Spirit to convict each in His own way. For me, i needed to do this. Not burying talents and wasting time doing everything, and end up doing nothing. The parable of the talents just show how much we must make full use of our talents for His kingdom. Notice its "for His kingdom"!!!

Next qn i thought to myself is, how to make full use of your talents for His kingdom? Surely im in a judgemental mood and all this comes from a sinful judgemental heart. But sometimes it just causes you to reflect on yourself so much. I shall use only my eg.

You know i always believe that i'm a good singer, at least in a choir context. You know how much i see it now that seeking to improve becomes part of pride for me? Sometimes in pursuit of using my talents to the best of my abilities, i forget whether i am trying to do it for the glory of God, than for perfection/improvement itself. My teachers/conductors/instructors always push us to improve.The problem is, they are seeking perfection only, but that should not be our only agenda. Its to glorify God. How do i know that i'm doing it? A clear indicator, the 1st reaction after a concert/performance. Was it thanking God 1st? This shows whether its glorify God 1st in our agenda, or something else.

Put yourself in my shoes, replace me with yourself, and change the details like choir or concerts into yourself, like soccer and soccer matches. And think abt it.

1 last qn. And how then am I to glorify God then? I'll struggling to reconcile these 2 even now. But i have a thought. The thought goes like this. If anything that i do, which cause me to do less of God's work, will probably not glorify God the way He wants it to. Eg, skip bible study class(often), don't do qt, pray less, neglect other responsibilities etc. Can you say God i'm too busy today sorry i cant spend time with ya today? Is that right?

Kenn said something that kinda made me ashamed of myself a week or 2 ago. He said: Do you go to work for work? Or work for pleasing God? Do you study hard for studies, or study for pleasing God? It happens when we are caught up with work, and don't even realize how often we forget God during those times, and just put God out of the picture. Why this is impt- focus is not on work, but on God. Pleasing God is like the goal. Doing work well should be the secondary goal. If we claim so, how come we always forget the primary, and always do the secondary? I know why we forget. Its just that it shouldnt be the case.

Speaking of which, i now understand why people like Paul dedicate their lives to doing Christ's work as his job. Its quite simple. He just wants to obey God's commandments all the time. But anyway, wherever we are, it is our missions field. Its just whether we TREAT IT LIKE A MISSION FIELD. Thats the most impt. Thats where you reconcile glorifying God with doing any "worldly things".

I guess the spiritual walk is more that QT and praying. It is the great commission too. Sorry it is that plus, your whole life! 24hrs 7days a week of it. That is our spiritual walk. I guess i should start reflecting on whether today was a good walk, not only by QT,(praying should be a constant throughtout the day) but plus the day too, like how much i've sinned and how much God is in my mind the past day/week.

Anyway all these are thoughts that are highly debatable, they are not yet fully convictions for me too. Sorry i drifted too much. My conviction for myself is simply what i stated earlier.

"Make full use of your best ability, and do it to the best of your ability"

Sin is ever before me.

I left the cross behind me.

I need to get out of this slump (again).

Set Me Free.

Set Me Free
Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Chorus:
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
The darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
(Repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

His love is warmer than the warmest sunshine, softer than a sigh~

This song can't stop ringing in my head. But sad thing is, you check this lyrics online, you'll find that its my love rather than His love. Sad.

Anyway kinda thankful for the many books I am just lining up to read these days. Gotta plan time tor read them. I have so many now. Kenn decided to lend me a book from His place again. Haha. And 3 more books with me that im supposed to start reading? Haha. I should thank lydia and Kenn(yfc) for giving me another book to read too, for my super belated, but only present for the year?

Actually, you know its sad. No not that I only have 1 present this year. Its sad that so many r/s are just not present anymore. Was browsing facebook photos the past few days and i see so many photos of my old click going out and its just sad im no longer part of it. Sad that i no longer have friends who sortof care. I mean, somedo. Yea spirutual health. But many r/s are just not deep enough that ppl would bother about doing something for my birthday, not to mention spending time celebrating with me. How do you tell which are friends who are just superficial- those who just sends you well-wishes, thats who! Quite obvious right. If its your good friends. You'll bother to "cook" something up for them. If its not, what else. Just do the minimal, well wishes. Even present means you mean something to others right? Sorry i'm not down or anything. I just wanted to complain of this irritating thought in my head. I dont know, it just causes me to count the number of ppl who bothers about me thats all.

I guess it coincides with me counting how many good friends whom i considered that i've lost.

I guess i just needed that 1 friend to affirm that I mean something.

Sorry, sad thoughts! I have plenty. Don't worry. It'll go away in awhile. Just explain to me why these thoughts can actually happen/ is not true then maybe it WONT BOTHER ME AGAIN!

Love

His love is warmer than the warmest sunshine, softer than a sigh
His love is deeper than the deepest ocean, wider than the sky
His love is brighter than the brightest star, that shines every night above
and there is nothing you can do that can ever change His love

On Mon night, i was like i said, dead sick. Well, and then something really emotional happened at home. I shan't say. Its a family secret. But it was cool. It started to make me realize, what is really love. The extent of God's love. Love that transcends and forgives. You know it just strucked me on how much i would do for my family if i could. That sometimes you're just willing to die for your family. You love someone so much that you're willing to do anything for them. You are sometimes, not willing to sacrifice them, rather sacrifice yourself than to let those you love dearly to suffer. It really just struck me. And how can a God, so full of love, probably able to love like we can never experience or comprehend, who is such loving, to give His only son, for us, such disobedient and sinful servants, lowly as we are compared to His son, yet able to love us so much to give His son.

If it was my son, I doubt i will. Especially if its one who you have shared such great happy moments with, not 1 killed at birth? To make it more applicable to us or myself, if God asks us to sacrifice our siblings/family members, would you be able to do it? Ones that we see everyday all the years of our life till now. And God asks you to sacrifice him/her? Would you be able to do it? The thoughts of the happiness and joy i shared with any of them, would make it so much tougher. You know how long the Father and the Son has been one? One somemore!!! And He goes to the extent of letting His son suffer such pain? Would you be willing to let your family members go through such pain? I wouldn't.

I would rather die, than to see you get into harm's way.
I would try my best, to not let you suffer.
I would rather die trying my best, than to see you not grow the way God want's us to be, the Christlikeness that He truly wants.
I'll keep trying my best, the best to my ability.
I would rather die trying to make sure you grow stronger in Him than i can ever want, or better, ever imagined.
I would be even happy, if you could marry someone stronger in Him than I am. It would give me great comfort that you'll be in great hands.
Or not, i'll be dead worried if you did not marry someone strong in Him.
I'll just keep trying, until, i might not be needed.

You know these are the things i would want for/love my loved ones. And can you just imagine how much God would love His son. I was like. But yes, God asks us to sacrifice whatever we have for God. Anything, anyone. We probably dont have the authority to take our family members lives. But you get what i mean.

Then, i understood, the greatness of the sacrifice on the cross. Sometimes you just forget, and lose perspective of the greatness God has done.

The next question i ask myself, so what's next understanding the greatness of God's love. If we are to love God as much, we must do what He instructs.

Mark 8:34 And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

Mark 8:35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.

Notice its lose our lives for Jesus' sake and the gospel's! What does it mean to lose our life for the gospel's sake? Surely its for evangelism. And are we losing our life for the gospel's sake?

luke 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

Here, it mentions daily. It just emphasizes how committing our lives to christ is a daily effort. So let us take up our cross, and continually strive not to sin, and strive for christlikeness. Commitment is the hardest, and is probably my weakest. Depends on commitment to what but, to God its miles i believe that it should improve. Cause i think i always know what i should improve, i think i always know what is wrong. But its just so hard to change.

Anyway, here's an evangelistic tool. You know the 1st song from my blog. Realize by colbie calliat. You know i 1st heard this song at an evangelistic event(its sang by a guy with great voice and thus thats why i liked it too :-p). And you know the songs yfc's perf arts team sings at evangelistic events or concerts are more often than not non christians songs? They use non chrisitans songs, and use certain lyrics to get people to ponder on life after death, on God.

If you'd just realize~
If you'd just realize~
Realize, That I am on your side, Didnt I, Didnt I tell you

Then you can say you know sometimes we do not realize, there's a God out there actually always by our side, just that we didnt realize it. You know. Really. It just goes to show, anythingcan be an evangelistic tool, its just whether we see it as one. Its just whether we want to use it. Here's the whole lyrics.

Ok i better stop. I hardly can see what i'm writing anymore. I feel abit blind. ):

V1: Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

C: If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V2: Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

C: If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

V3: It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

C: If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

Realize, realize
realize, realize

Sorry Sis.

I'm sorry sis. Forgive me k? I didnt mean to hurt you.

More problems stacking on top or diarrhea that glued me next to toilet. Crazy stomach ache and headache some more!!! Got fever also and i'm feeling so cold. SO pain! So xin ku! Its times like these that you wanna die. Ok i'm joking. But wah pain la.

Sorrry. i'm keeping mum, cause its a faith thing.

ok its about this morning. Sorry i cant tell anyone whats going on. Anyway its a faith thing. I tell others its possibly a family thing but i decided not to come, not because of family problems, but cause of faith, or sin for that matter. I just hate it and dont want to go to church when i've sinned against Him again and again and i go to church the next day and act as if nothing happened or just ask Him for forgiveness. I'm like no i'm not going to do that. There's no true repentance and i just can't go to church and worship Him. Family quarrels was just one of them, and its the quickest excuse i could give. Well what my sister wrote outside the door was the icing of the cake. Sorry. I can't say what that sin is.

Anyway, its also partially cause of certain things that strucked me yesterday. I started to be stressed today. Not in work. But in making a big decision. I'm deciding on something, which i'm not willing to say unless its decided. Just pray ok that i can make a wise decision. Its big believe me. I'm seeking advices on this already. Michelle was saying my face was black but vuase i was so quiet and cause i'm really thinking badly about it half the day.

And yes we all have reconciled.

Anyway i didnt blog the whole week even when i've plenty of time to do so and i wanted to blog about some stuff cause of faith issues. I cant blog when i'm not right with God. I'm like that.

Sometimes its just chic (dont know whether i used the word right) to wear just t-shirt and jeans. Its not about me cause i do that all the time. But when i saw it i was like hey thats beautiful. Something that happened the past week and not today mind ya.

Dinner was great today. I'll talk about it tmr! :-p