i have some questions bothering my mind again last night. Maybe i didnt let out the earlier one. But being busy studying so much, I just dont really think too much unlike the past, only when traveling home. I am so tired until i would always fall asleep on the bus and just feel like sleeping whenever i reach home, but thats cause i reach home very late everyday, though i think its still rather early and i could study a few more hours but school is already closing at those time so i have to go home and have dinner too. Today is the earliest i came home for the whole week. 7pm. Lol.
Anyway, back to my point, its some questions on idolatry. I guess i was thinking of the reasons of my unhappiness towards certain stuff, and idolatry kept coming to my mind. I was pondering on it and it seemingly seems that its not idolatry, when trying to compare to other things. Maybe these other things are idolatry too! No lah certainly cant be for some. But thats why i having so much problem figuring it out. Its quite a challenge which i think i need advice(ok i always say this but i dont always do seek it). Anyway thats why i dont think about things relating to it too much recently. I still am sure whether i have the answer to it. And guess what. Though i think that that nail doesnt belong to the wall, i cant remove it! Someone else has to do it, not me. So it makes things that much complicated.
Though I have been spending quite abit of hours studying, but i still feel that i have done too little in those times. I need to be 2,3 times more productive! This is not optimum!
A certain other thought also struck my mind about biasness and double standards. I was abit troubled on this topic cause i see this in me and other ppl and i dont like it! Its like when we favour something, we tend to think that it is the best thing/path/course of action etc. Its quite irritating cause i myself have double standard, which is when i dont like ppl doing certain things when i sometimes would do it too! I sometimes wish to tell them that they're course of action is wrong because we tend to be bias to things we like or would prefer it to be so, but yet....
Anyway im quite happy and relived by Gp paper 2 results. I somehow failed paper 1 again when i used to do well consistently till recent sudden drop in standards, but im happy paper 2 pulled me back! Paper 2 i got a B! Woohoo! 32/50 is my highest ever cause i never got more than 27 and A lvl gp is also this much harder than sec sch( A is no way near norm but pure rarity, especially for science students!). SO yay something to be happy about this week. =)
I have a few things i wanna let out i guess. However, i guess opportunities dont come so easily, even if i have opened up to 2 ppl i have in mind i could/would tell it to,well the opportunity wasnt there i guess. I wish i could at least talk it out for now, and then let it go, at least for some time. Cause i dont wanna keep this in anymore! Im felling quite miserable! Well, maybe cause im just this kinda person. I'm just hoping opportunities will come, or ppl will be willing to make it!
Woah i really cannot be thinking of this issue. Nowadays if i do i will just feel miserable. Haiz. Wonder how it turned out this way.
But yay im kinda encouraged and enabled to work full throttle, tks to kenn! Ok no more forums and clubbox! I still havent got anything from club box yet but nvm. Haiz. I havent got "ride on" yet. Aiya dont care lah only when i really wanna take a brake, of this sort. Havent been touching all these kpop stuff for some time which is like 1 week liao which i intend to continue anyway, at least till end of A's. Slowly have to remove all distractions 1 by 1! Make that all at once! Maybe im kinda frustrated with so many things and thus i can feel like throwing everything aside once and for all now. Oh well, good in a sense.
Ok joke time, haha. Spend 5 min thinking for the answer. If you cant, dont bother. I'll say the answer the next time i post. Ppl who know the joke please dont spoiler thank you. :-p
If i have $5 and you have $5, where shall we go to?(hint: its a place in sg!)
I am unhappy over a dum reason for weeks! Everytime i see it(or at least things related/similar to it), i feel unhappy!
Can someone pls untie this knot for me?
Ok this thing also makes up of most of my confusion. I just cant accept it!
i feel so tempted to do certain things, or want to do certain things, but i always end up making myself unhappy! Grr. Its not a sin mind you its just that thing that somehow makes me unhappy.
Oh ya right just found out i lost my bicycle today, AGAIN!!!! it was stolen right outside my house. It was still there yesterday. Zz.
Finally i'll say, Im confused in consideration. :-s
Last night was probably a very toiling night. It doesnt seem long, but it was way painful. Hopefully i will never get to feel this way again. That 1 h of sleeplessness, was very hard. I wish there was listening ear next to my bedside. I know God's there. But i just cant draw strength from, i just cant be calmed, and i just cant sleep. If the worse situation of some of the things i can think of now are going to come, i'll probably feel worse that what i felt last night, which just self-induced. Well, at least im glad last night is over and i slept.
Some things these days are striking me more and more to reconsider what i always wanted. It is possibly something that im still not willing to accept now, but God is trying to tell me. Im not sure, and i wish i can give you an answer, which i myself dont have. I should spend some time in deep prayer! Maybe, just maybe, im just worrying too much, and maybe, its just me, who must accept certain things before i can even allow myself to proceed.
I always ask God, why do i always choose to take the tough path when there is an easier one(and my path is the sinful one by the way!). Why in certain things, i rather something challenging when i could've gone for something easier(this is for when neither is sinful i guess)! Anyway, i guess i learned alot through all these. But why do i always choose the hard one(though i even wonder whether i chose it). I guess God is trying to teach this slacker me to constantly take a step up, and at least improve this poor character of mine. Yea i still believe im a very late maturer. If the definition of a book is right, i believe i have great Godly attitude, but poor Godly character! Dont sound right, right? Yea i know.
During the afternoon, i was half asleep, searching for answers with God for my questions and worries. On a certain issue and how i should deal with it. I was so messed up lah, and i was so confused cause i so want to find an answer but i just couldnt. Now i did, at least i thought of a possible step to take at least and removed or the confusion in my mind to be clear headed once again. And i just needed to jump out of all those thoughts ad stop thinking abt them, but yea, i think i still need advice on it. But that should not be a concern now! Im just letting it out. :-p
Starburst is still in my fridge. haha. I bu she de eat and now it doesnt take very nice le. :-p Random comment: Come to think of that day, i still think its the best in my june hols. :-p i wanna go back to tierney's again to buy more weird stuff(at least to me). :-p
I was rather unhappy during ce today, but haiya dont care lah. I have 3 things i dont agree with during the message, but haiya i dont bother wanting to say it now.
Quite a few days ago, thoughts and feelings keep striking me, that i still somehow cant accept certain things. I just somehow dont like it when i know im just jealous abt things and not even really ppl. I think its cause of jealousy lah cause thats the only answer i can find for my feelings.
Alot of things are still bothering me. Haiz.
Happiness comes from this weekend, which is quite enjoyable to a certain extent. Yesterday and this morning(well, at least to a certain extent). Its particular encouraging cause i felt the call to go and do street E yesterday and i went and im very encouraged by 2 ppl i spoke to cause they seem sorta interested. Hopefully, God will work in them! =)
New Song. Gaseumapado, which in english is known as Even If it Hurts, is a beautiful song sang by korean pop duo Fly to The Sky, for a movie/serial. Its so popular that they sang it during a superbowl event(an american football tournament i think). I heard this 1st from a video on youtube by this vj choir guy who won an intra sch talent contest. I think he sounds better that the actual recording lor. Haha. Its a very nice and emotional song that has been running through my head for some time le. Enjoy. I'll put up the translated lyrics. Like usual i'll put my old song here. =)
Now playing:
Even if it hurts Fly to the Sky
Even today my heart goes to you constantly You're dangerous, but that doesn't stop me anymore.
All day I write down my thoughts and continue tomorrow with the sorrow that fills me up again.
*Even thought it hurts I laugh like this It's the first time my eyes have been satisfied. My heart is swollen with the tears I've kept inside, but if it's for you, I'll be alright...
As I'm lonier, as more tears fall, I somehow I find a sudden strength to go on. When I'm weary from the saddness, hurt by hate, I might just have to let you go... I already know... that my wait is going to be longer tha my life...
*Repeat
If I can't see you anymore, I won't see anything else clearly. The path I walk is dark whether or not I open my eyes.
I want to hold you, I want to love you until I'm assured that my feelings won't ever change. I'm willing to lose all my wishes, just to have one person. I only want this wish to come true when it's you, I'll be happy.
All things shall pass away someday, but somehow, i just cant stand being in a mess. I guess i seek ppl more than i seek God. I guess i seek approval in ppl so much, i always depend alot on relationships, and i dont like to be disappointed. I seek to serve them, yet every so often like now, it feels like vanity.
I feel like yea this is the ppl i want to mix with. I feel that yea these are the things i would love to do. But when you are away, and when you hear bad things abt yourself, you feel like pulling away, and staying away. Yet now im turning my eyes to somewhere else. But i know, it is still in men. And in men, i will always be dissappointed. Yea, all is vanity.
Yet im reminded, turn your eyes upon jesus! O rejoice in the Lord! I will see how i want to deal with this. For now not in good state of mind to bother abt them. It is troubling at the wrong time! Oh right today is sept 11, no wonder! Lol.
Ecc 1:2 Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.
Ecc 1:14 I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.
Ecc 2:1 I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: and, behold, this also is vanity.
Ecc 2:11 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun.
Ecc 2:15 Then said I in my heart, As it happeneth to the fool, so it happeneth even to me; and why was I then more wise? Then I said in my heart, that this also is vanity.
Ecc 2:17 Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.
Ecc 2:19 And who knoweth whether he shall be a wise man or a fool? yet shall he have rule over all my labor wherein I have labored, and wherein I have showed myself wise under the sun. This is also vanity.
Ecc 2:23 For all his days are sorrows, and his travail grief; yea, his heart taketh not rest in the night. This is also vanity.
Ecc 11:8 But if a man live many years, and rejoice in them all; yet let him remember the days of darkness; for they shall be many. All that cometh is vanity.
Ecc 11:10 Therefore remove sorrow from thy heart, and put away evil from thy flesh: for childhood and youth are vanity.
Ecc 12:8 Vanity of vanities, saith the preacher; all is vanity.
This lyrics is moving to me, especially the chorus- i hum it every other day these few days! And i found the lyrics from a blog from a friend in moriah! How cool is that. Yea gonna tag him. Hope these lyrics are just as moving as it is to me, to you. =) Exams tmr, and i really gotta stop worrying!
O Rejoice, in the Lord
God never moves without purpose or plan. When trying His servant and molding a man. Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long; In darkness He giveth a song.
O rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistake, He knoweth the end of each path that I take, For when I am tried and purified, I shall come forth as gold.
I could not see through the shadows ahead; So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead, I bowed to the will of the Master that day; Then peace came and tears fled away.
Now I can see testing comes from above, God strengthens His children and purges in love. My Father knows best, and I trust in His care; Through purging more fruit I will bear.
Happiness comes from new green nano crystal case, 2.5 times more ram which makes the com no longer laggy(finally), and a new larger 19 inch crt but somehow seems blur. But the most was from those moments i hear vibrations, ringtones. More music in nano also helped! Other than wasting time watching videos, i am practically waiting for time to past even if i dont want it to.
Life has really seemed to slow down. The whole year since the last passed by so quickly i didnt even know what happened. But these few days, being desperate to study, i feel very very sian. Nothing seem to perk me for more than a short period. I have such a longing to interact with people but i know i cant. Thus, doing anything doesnt really seem to interest me. Nor makes me excited or happy except this. I have obtained csjh album! Half the songs i really liked. The other half are thrash. :-p Anyway i really like some songs. 1st female group i have ever liked i guess. I always only listen to guy singers most of the time. :-p I have also been listening to a planetshakers album i had for a very long time but never transferred to my nano nor listened to it, but it is quite great! So many new songs to listen to, which is the only thing that excites me now and i believe will only excite me for the next 3 weeks. CSJH, super junior, ft island, younha, boa, smtown summer album 2007! And the occasional watching of u mv, lets go on a trip mv, and ft island mv!
Other than that, i just wanna go to sleep. Everything is boring. Even the simpsons movie! i didnt even laugh the movie. Just smiles of amusement here and there. Zz.
I spend half my free time thinking and sleeping. I seriously am sleeping too much. Gotta cut down to study.
Gp exam is tmr, not today. Zz.
I mistaken lah sian.
Enduring this final 2 months, is gonna be such a pain. Sorry im short sighted.
Better not use com for the next few weeks le. Something i never learned to do.
