trying to scrap another post without seeing again.. update on my condition.. optician says cant assess my condition cos its a sudden loss of sight... unable to see near things.. meaning hyperopia or something like tt... he say my test very funny.. first sot at my eyes 75 degrees.. den 175 den 200 plus... tsk.. he lso say could be becos of fatigue.. but i dun understand how? plus ive been resting a lot e past few days... zz.. den shld aviod studying.. haiz.. how can... when go back to sch confirm tio scolding.. today got test somemore.. hopefully i dun hav to wear glasses... i dun wan... :-p

talking abt eyes.. i wonder hows my fren.. um so afraid to call him cos if he tells me hes gone blind.. u dun noe what to say.. suppose to celebrate my another frens birthday tonite... zzz... im suppose to organise for him.. but i gotta study and do my wrk... haiz.. den i avoided it... suppose to meet but never organise venue and stuff...

i miss..

im puzzled by ppls actions... im puzzled by what is ppl thinking...

i think too much unti i gt frustrated already...

i hat4e studying at home.. it seems so noisy and uncomfortable studying at home...

i hate studying alone.. e thought of doing stuff alone makes it all e more harder for me.. esp studying.. zzz...

can someone pls offer to study with me?? pretty please???? lol..

onli one in church taking a's tis year is not fun... :-(

oh no... com lcd down.. cant use com liao.. trying to post now while i can syill see abit... worse thing is ... im very sick.. yest i didnt go sch... today worse.. came to sch with headache.. den blurred vision.. i cant read small words properly!!! den have test somemore.. die le todays test.. at most can get a few marks.. i couldnt see what was written and i spent hal;f y time tryting to read.. i couldnt read leh.. hopefuly my eyes is not something serious.. gotta getr some rest.. left sch early.. doc told me to take tmr to rest too.. but i gt cca and plus tmr suppose to hav test i dun go muz retest some other day.. aarrgghh... most imptly for now is for my eyes to recover.. my post got so many spelling errors cos i cant see what im writing... juz when i wanted to study hard... den got to miss like 2half days of lesson again... aarrgghh.. playin catch up all e time... zzz...

i think too much.. consider too much.. when ure sick.. u juz hav time to tink of too many stuffs.. zzz...

heal eyes...

Glad weekend is here../ HAPPINESS!!!

SSSSOOOOO GLAD tt e weekend is here.. not to stay.. but... i guess everyone has been real busy and i tink everyone really needed tis weekend to come asap... haha...

HAPPINESS!!! not to stay.. but well.. for now... and well i guess its for nothing.. or nothing much.. oh well.. off to yf... =)

Back to problematic me..

crap no time to blog.. aarrgghh..

tis week felt bad again.. cos argument with mum and stuff... Back to problematic me.. and all those stuff struck me again.. frm testimonials to u noe what... sian.. actually made me sadder... again.. last week is like break u noe... let me off for 1 week... den tis week come back again.. e diff is im trying nt to let it come back.. TRYING to stand firm.. and stay positive and optimistic.. but very hard...

sometimes really tis world is more suited for high D's or C"s i feel... haiz...

i said something i should say to my very own brother. My dear dear brother in sch. I feel so bad that that phrase sputtered of out my mouth.. i really hope he doesnt mind.. though we had no overcoming it together.. =)

i feel very very challenged.. nad maybe i would think of it tis way.. but 3 big things happened to me tis past few weeks.. a new one being.. my mj choir alumni.. e one i was closest to and e one i had "fate" with... he juz told me on wed.. when i happenned to met him.. talk talk talk.. and he told me.. he is GOING BLIND!!! he always had an eye condition.. but now the docs cant control it.. he says tt he will go blind anytime.. and that he will operate next week.. but chances are ONLY 60%!!!!! ONLY!!! my mum told me tt normally when doc says 60% means nt likely... and thus.. operate also confirm go blind.. and all i can do for him.. is to pray for him.. and he doesnt noe christ.. and pray tt he might noe Him thru tis.. but.. i was contemplating telling him e gospel.. but...

really hope.. esp to those who have high degrees.. to take care of their eyes.. i dun wan another of my fren telling me he/she is going blind too... not u...

i dreamt too much tis week.. cant get it out of my head...

i hav concentration problems.. alot of things forced me to be unable to concentrate during lectures...

why? hav i to chose so? or did i even choose it in e 1st place.. tsk...

though i never appear so.. i never acted so.. these 2 ppl mean so much to me.. 1 ever did.. andi juz suddenly was reminded of it.. one still do..

then theres the other... which hopefully will always be able to...

and u too.. who understands alot.. :-p

and u bro..

words now cant describe what i wanna say... or least i haven thought of how to phrase it.. and i gtg le..

juz a side note.. i had a vision.. of 2 images... den still am trying to compose my poem.. my 1st.. of 2 animals actually... will reveal title when i tink i want too.. though i already thought of it... :-p

oh.. crazy alicia is my godsister... she crazily azzumed tt status automatically without my consent.. lol.. dun noe she is spur of moment of what.. dun care lah... at least its not real to me for now...

YEAH!!!! WEEKEND IS HERE!!! WOOHOO!!! tis is post 123.. cool... ok.. bb..

haiz.. i still failed.. as a testimonial.. so often.. tink of my sch frens.. or any frens.. and i still do fail someway or e other.. lots i gotta change still.. trying trying.. not giving up..

reminds me of what someone told me slightly more than half a yr ago abt me nt being a positive influence.. haiz.. alot to learn and change i guess..

sturck hard again..

tks joash.. i guess..

maybe i seem like i do gossip when i so often try nt to.. or at least i dun remember doing.. maybe juz happen joash was telling em abt gossips.. den i talk.. oh well.. lets all learn to change.. tt post was meant for all of us.. even me.. cos i tink i gotta learn frm it..

Me Blessed?? yea..

haha.. yea i was abit down yest again.. cos i am so lag in my studies.. today was like aarrgghh.. scrap thru all lessons.. appear like i understand.. :-p but den again.. last nite im happy.. john gav me a call.. to talk.. ask me out for dinner to clelbrate his bday.. but e main pt is he call me out.. talk abit.. im juz happy tt he still remember me and ask me to celelbrate bday with him.. though we hav nt talked much since 1st 3 months.. den haha.. chatted with someone else for some time.. and told him alot of things... u dun wan ppl to noe ah? haha.. anyway yea its scary to hav someone noe too much.. cos i feel i hav no more secrets left.. almost lah... den its like whatever i write here u'll noe le.. :-p haha.. u make me think too much tday i cant concentrate lah e whole day... lol.. u better tell me urs man... haha.. or nt i dun feel safe... :-p den jk with mum abit today and yest.. quite unusual lah she jk with me.. lol.. aarrgghh... gotta chiong hw.. so i felt blessed someone remembers me to ask me celelbrate with him.. relationship with mum.. able to fully almost share freely with someone and ppl to pick me up when i really need it.. cool rite.. yuan even so eager to help me with my sch wrk even when oyur schedule clash and hes trying to wrk something out... i really wanna thank God for u all... thank u all so much... =)

i seriously tink very scary leh.. dun noe what i happy abt.. dun noe what u happy abt.. lolz... its nt like anything is happenning anyway... :-p

i realized we never even had a gd frens relationship... never... lol.. stupid lor... to tink i treated u as 1.. haiya nvm its nt like u need it anymore anyway...

i realized my enties is super ambiguous super vague unless u noe what im talking abt it wont make sense.. i read also huh? unless ure like me noe what im toking abt... once u noe what i talking abt suddenly everything seems to make sense lor.. someone can vouch for me,, :-p

i say agin e topic is on whether looks will help u succeed in society.. dun change it joash.. lol.. tks cheryl for sharing ur opinions.. anymore?? =)

i hate feeling down.. cos stupid thoughts are running thru my mind again... im tired i wanna slp.. :-(

i wish i can tell u how i feel... but i cant.. nt now at least..

God.. grant me rest.. and assurance tt ur in control of everything.. tt everything.. thought maybe nt what i want.. but what might be best for me.. and according to ur plan.. in ur time.. pray for all those who need rest arnd me.. tt u may grant em rest too..

Jesus said to us:
Mat 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Mat 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
Mat 11:30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

In jesus name i pray,
Amen.

Gossipping by Phil Ware

this is an excerpt i find which something struck me abt gossipping tt i find prevailent in places i am now.. i hope it gives u a changed view on things.. =)

But doesn’t that kind of thing happen everyday in conversations all around us? When was the last time you heard someone passing on a juicy morsel of gossip or a tantalizing tidbit of innuendo about someone else? How did you view it? What did you do when you heard it? What happened when this glowing ember tumbled into your presence and others nearby? Gossip is destructive. Deep down, we know that gossip, whether it is true or untrue, is destructive. It sets a fire ablaze that neither the gossiper nor the one being gossiped about can control. To take part in it is to willfully wound, maim, and damage. It places in Satan’s hands the fire with which he can destroy the life of someone for whom Christ died. Let’s recommit ourselves to using our words to bless, encourage, and heal. Let’s never be part of starting a fire that can do untold damage to someone made in the image of God. To do so is to show reckless disregard for that person, and for God who made them!

Today...

Ppl probably dun tink of what i say e same way i do.. haha.. they juz read like tt den ok lor.. lol.. but tis is as much as i can share.. abt whats running thru my mind.. cant bare to share anything more.. lol.. dont u juz hate sun nites and mondays... lol... i do.. looking forward to nxt weekend.. nxt weekend pls come nw.. lol...

ok.. today is distracted day.. maybe cos didnt sleep much last nite.. so whole day couldnt concentrate.. kept being distracted by stuff tt i shldnt be thinking abt.. during corporate prayer.. during kinsman class.. though kinsman class was cos very tired le cant concentrate.. and sian cos didnt remember today lesson end at supposedly 3 but in e end 1.40 lol... tts why thoughts fly everywhere and cant concentrate... plus i never do my wrk so very lost... zz.. tired.. well.. im happy i walked out to bus interchange with cherie.. cheryl and abi... we were talking alot of funny encounters in sch and stuff.. had alot of fun jokin esp with abi.. cos we are quite similar in habits abt being untidy.. den abi will be like yaya me too... den cheryl/ cherie will be like huh?? we were saying they hav diff standards of being untidy.. haha... anyway they made my day frm sian and tired to fired to do hw again so thank u all... =)

ee.. jc is no life.. busy busy with hw and sch.. den got cca... yf is i voluntary want so nvm.. but e rest is no life.. den again.. got go yf and church means got life le.. got "socialize" mah.. ya hor.. den again.. how can i say i no life.. got what... u noe tt life.. life after death.. so christians shld ban themselves frm saying they hav no life.. lol...

but den agin.. im busy busy busy... i seemingly am quite slack but am still so busy.. grr.. havent go for prayer meeting in sch for some time.. trying to get something started again..

though i noe studies are impt.. i still will stick to e mindset tt it is nt everything.. dun hav to always study.. juz make sure can keep up cannot fail.. but better if do as well as possible.. but den again.. i wun go all out to get A's.. i will still stick to tis no need to get A.. though ppl change mindsets due to certain circumstances.. i still dun wan change..

hmm maybe i shld stop giving excuses for myself to skip it anymore.. cos i still waste time anyway so my as well do it anyway and i love doing it too anyway... =)

i wanna play sports.. im juz itching for soccer lah.. so long never play.. den bball also though i still play it once a week..

crap my back aches big time.. better nt aggravate it cos it'll be long term injury which is bad but i wanna train for road race(aka cross country).. lol.. sian... hopefully it will heal soon.. pray for me.. ^^

oh my back my back... no i hurt my back..(russell peters style.. lol..)

oh crap my mindset is correct which is gd.. but den.. i cant stop abt thinking abt it too much.. lol.. think too much abt it le.. no point anyway...
muz stop thinking.. muz stop thinkin..(juz keep swimming frm finding nemo style.. lol.. whats with all e styles.. lol..:-p)

nw den i realize what i see in both of em..(diff 2 ppl tt i mentioned in a previous post) why? cos i juz realized they hav e same nickname... i was like.. oh ya.. and am like.. shock shock shock.. ya they share e same nickname.. crap... why ah?? lol...

oh no.. crap.. i tink its cos of tt...no.. pls i dun want it to be cos of tt.. noo..

ok enuf tts all.. i tink tis month will break record almost 20 posts tis moth with more than a week left.. lol... nowadays too many things to say.. :-p

oh.. lets start a debate on whether looks will help u succeed in society... haha.. recently did watch a debate on it and somemore cherie did mention something abt it today.. lol... im very convinced tt no nt in God's eyes.. tt is duh.. but even in e secular world i wld say no.. cos all e most of e successful ppl even females like Ophray Winfrey and J.K. Rowling.. e 2 highest earning females are rich nt cos of their looks.. unless in e modelling or entertainment industry but tt is cos they are selling their looks too.. all e other kinda businessess i wld say no.. comments pls.. :-p

Random thoughts

no time to blog too much.. so juz post some random thoughts and reply to tags..

again.. disclaimer.. these are randoms thoughts.. every sentence might/might nt hav link to each other or in random order.. dun take anything seriously.. abit emo thoughts.. :-p

hmm.. something i always wanted to do.. someone beat me to it.. oh well.. nvm.. i will do it when i hav e time to.. not so soon maybe but will.. cos got lotsa things wanna say tell her abt her but never did..

might wanna consider picking up tt skill after rachel made me realize something.. anyway i had a period i had interest in something like tt in a diff form but den kinda never find time to do it.. after A's might see got time to learn anot.. =)

dunno whether i shld be happy or sad abt it... i juz feel so much for her.. nvm she will noe soon..(ok tis is nt abt love mind u lest anybody starts gossiping)

more to be thankful abt.. and more to challenge myself to do strive for...

glad i can make u happy...

oh.. u too... =)

i still kinda tink its impossible.. for 2 ways...

den again.. im happy tt God gave me e rite mindset abt it...

and im still happy if it still doesnt turn out e way i wan...

cos i hav e rite mindset..

im nt realli worried abt it even if it turn out true... cos i hav e rite mindset abt things..

im glad it is.. =)

oh i sorta hav a changed mindset for alot of things tis week..

hopefully it is e rite mindet and it stays there.. :-p

hope ure happiness lasts... but i cant wish much for u anymore...(woah so many diff u's which all refer to so many diff ppl.. haha.. :-p)

tks for being an encouragement to me tis week..(decided to remove e u's for these ppl and actually add their name in to show tt i appreciate em being an encouragement to me tis week... =)

rui..

cheryl..

yuan..

and tricia.. =)

tts all for now... =) but oh.. lol.. here comes another person who reads or at least read my blog whom is sab.. anymore?? lol..

reply to tags:

sab: huh? wad u mean by profanity filter? lol.. dun understand..

aug: haha..yup i will.. =) someone told me her name is esther.. lol.. tell me wrongly.. u noe what.. i saw his column at e obituaries section in st today.. lol... and can send me tt song?? haha..

rui: erm.. wat more can i say but thank u again? lol... =)

Back And Feeling Better/The person who encouraged me even without even knowing how he looks like

Ee. Not supposed to hav time to blog but i hate to hav tis thoughts in my mind and den muz say later. Alamak.

I guess William is probably e only person which i dun noe, but encouraged me tt much. really so much tt it took me out of my slump like tt, consider things i have to give tks for, and learn to do my utmost best for Him. Well, tis wake up call i guess rather than to say is frm him, i wld say itd frm Him. Maybe it is nt only him but also my realization i mentioned on my last post and also e thngs tt have happened e last weekend. I tink i juz realli say tk God. Tis week is a changed week for me. Though i still am quite slack. Failed a very easy test by half mark which i was like -.-, but i am happy, tt i am feeling way way WAY better now. These sequence of events made me a changed person. or at least back to normal. Hopefully.

Tt day, i was really encouraged by e sharings. All of em. Kenneth's one hit me as one of e strongest too. U noe, when one of e person cld nt hold back his emotions when he went up to speak, unable to speak properly. I was thinking, and cld imagine myself, being worse than him. Breaking down way heavier than he is, and walk away, maybe come back later. LOL.

I wanted to catch a glimpse of how tis great guy who encouraged me so much on tt nite, even when he has gone. Tts why i went to see him. Maybe for e 1st. But definitely e last, until i leave tis place. =)

But u noe. I thought to myself, when sitting there during e wake, tt i was can say almost as emotional as any of em in e audience, but i juz kept telling myself, if i cld nt even hold back e grief, when i dun even realli noe him, how cld others who noe him better feel?? i thought: cannot be sad, rather, try to smile, encourage those who might be feeling sad. Though i dun tink i encouraged anybody, im glad i thought so.

U noe. Knowing tt ppl are sad, i felt super encouraged so tt i can encourage others. I tink i can safely say tt, i cant encourage myself when im down. Ppl can encourage me, but e effect might not always be very gd. But u noe what are e best way which picks me rite back up again?? Its when ppl are down tt i wld want to pick myself up to encourage em. Quite stupid of myself i wld say. But i juz cant help but realli feel for ppl.

U noe. Sometime i feel tt its gd tt ppl show tt their down. But sometimes i hate it tt some ppl appear strong. When they actually can be bleeding or crumbling inside. I hav 2 frens, frm 2 diff settings, with very diff character, but yet common in e way i see it. They sometimes seem strong, but sometimes i cant help but feel tt, they actually arent, and is bleeding inside. Harder to tackle tis kinda ppl. Cos they dun wanna show it. These 2 of my frens, i feel very strongly tt i wanna help em. I dunno. Maybe cos i felt tt i wanna be close to em when i actually arent? But i guess cos they close up to telling me their problems too and knowing tt they actaully need help tt i feel like helping em. They are 2 frens i really wanna help. but i really dunno how to.

I dun noe whether its gd for me to tink like i hav as i mentioned in all tt i hav said. But i juz feel tt, sometimes i wanna help as much as i cld, even though im nt very able to.

U noe, i see some common things in me and william too. I dun noe how long i hav in my life too. TTs why nw im telling myself. Treat everyday, alomz juz as if its ur last few days. MAinly juz do my best and be thankful.

Srry my post abt messy. Things here and there. As u can see. Im trying to type fast while trying to remove e habit of typing dot dot dots. Very hard den my whole post like cannot flow well leh. Feels weird to me. Nvm enuf. Maybe i can add somemore thoughts another time.

Just hope tt u all out there will pray for their family esp Elaine( e wife of e deceased) during this tough time for em(i am guilty of nt doing so). U noe i actually feel tt i can relate to em abit, although my father did nt pass away, but he dun seem to exist anymore anyway. U noe, i start feeling tt i wanna help Esther(e daughter) and e other child along as they grow up cos i noe its gonna be hard for em. Haha. But its hard to say now lah so.

Yes. I hope i can safely say tis, tt IM BACK!!! and hopefully its here to stay. To all who encouraged me during tis time, by tagging or by talking to me, i juz wanna say a big THANK YOU!!!

reply to tags: Aug: Surprised u read my blog. Woah!! all e ppl i dun expect to read all read my blog. Wonder how many more. haha. Tks for ur encouragements. It helped me quite abit. =)

sian.. why everytime i wanna blog got no time one? lol... ok.. juz wanna say.. e sudden death of william.. though i dun realli noe him... reminded me of how precious life is... and i juz wanna make sure i make full use of my time here.. to do things for Him... cos u nvr noe when God will call u hm.. and say.. what have u done for me in e time u are on earth? salvation is nt abt works.. yes i noe.. but i dun wan to be unaccountable... for my time...

yest tis thought knocked thru my head.. or isit today.. tt ive been slacking in yf comm.. i gave myself millions of excuses.. and e truth is i havent been doing much.. i always wanna do alot for e yf.. to do my duties... as a comm member.. to do my best for tis yf tt i hold dearly to.. its time for me.. to get down to do what has to be done... tts also what yuan encouraged me to do today when i was studying with him today.. in terms of studies too... oh and tks yuan for helping me out for today and e nxt few weeks.. =) it lifted my spirits alot.. ahha.. i noe u will read tis.. ^^

tts all for now... tis song juz nice was played when i was thinking of e above thoughts... hope it speaks to u too.. =)

ill blog all e rest i wanna say another day.. but 1st.. tks to all who tagged.. will reply soon... =)

Gone
By Switchfoot

She told him she'd rather fix her makeup
Than try to fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cellphone gone
She told him that she believes in living
Bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
And upsidedown
Don't say so long, and throw yourself wrong
Don't spend today away
Cuz today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just trying to prove me wrong
And pretend like you're immortal

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow
Brings us one step closer to the edge (infinity)
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
If you get the world and lose your soul
She pretends like she pretends like she's immortal
Don't say so long
You're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today will soon be

Gone, like yeterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
Your going going gone,
Like summer break is gone,
Like saturday is gone
Just try to prove me wrong
You pretend like your immortal your immortal

We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at our decadence

Gone, like Frank Sinatra
Like Elvis and his mom
Like AL Pacino's cash nothing lasts in this life
My highschool dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long

Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash,
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And roto-tom fills
Life's more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings
End up in wills we got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our convenient Lexus cages

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
Hey Bono i'm glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

i hav lots to say again.. but well.. nt now.. haven started on hw... die le.. i noe i confirm like tt.. tis weekend is like wasted time having probs and mulling over probs.. or course den theres get new phone etc.. zz..

dun like wet weather.. cos my nose runneth over(meaning running nose lah...) lol..

if u ask me.. ill advice u nt to.. cos hes nt worth it.. but den.. i think uve made a decision already..

im sure its dashed.. im sure its true.. im sure it never existed.. tis is e truth..

i spent e last few hrs being tired.. half aslp.. mulling over my probs.. i tink tis weekend is when all my "distractions" are kinda dashed... alot of things became apparent to me... things realli aren't as i tink it is... or rather what i want it to be.. sad cos it all ended up like tt.. den i juz like tink tink sob sob yada yada... dun wanna wake up.. there u go.. 12.30 still awake haven touch hw.. haha.. champion lah...

haha.. i realli cant tell anyone.. only rui noes half of those feelings.. or maybe less..

i dun wish it to be like tt.. but tis is e truth.. i dun noe whether i can change it.. i dun noe whether i shld...

tis song spoke to me alot.. juz wanna post it here too.. go shalom musis ministry blog to listen to it.. =)

Unconditional Love
by angela ngui

when trouble and sorrow are felt in your life,
with no one to turn to, feeling lost inside;
you're hurting and lonely, so very confused.
with questions unanswered, and feeling abused.

remember He loves you with unconditional love.
He knows when you're feeling unwanted and scorned.

when trouble and sorrow are felt in your life,
with someone to turn to, in Him you'll confide.
His loving compassion, His patience, His joy;
God's love is unending, in Him you'll abide.

remember He loves you with unconditional love.
our sins are forgiven, our Lord is alive!

so if you're burdened, feeling helpless and afraid,
His love for us will never change,
His love is unconditional -
God's love is unconditional.

today..

felt better today nt being hm and going to sch... hah.. but went to sch in a nonchalent attitude so its like dun care dun care.. den ppl so stress i like huh got meh?? haha.. at least nt tt boring.. :-p

hmm.. i wanted to help but well... wasnt in a very gd state myself.. so aiya..

im probably nt a very gd source of help or support.. or at least ppl dun tink of me as one... tts e general feel i get frm ppl... well.. maybe cos im always e one seeking help too.. :-p i sometimes wld love to noe and wld love to help.. but well.. i guess it doesnt happrn tt way..

i guess i want myself to get stressed tts why.. im telling myself so.. i dun seem abit so in sch in seems...

e more i tink of it.. e more i see alot of things in my life reflected in Joash... nt tt we are e same.. but i tink we hav lotsa similarities too...

i wished things were as i thought they were.. the way i looked at it.. but yet e way i avoided making obvious... i guess cos i didnt really did anything.. nothin ever happened.. but really.. if i wanna look at it tis way.. it seems as if it is.. but when i analyse.. i realized.. its juz me thinking of it tis way...cool.. but yet.. deceiving and confusing... distracts me it is...

suddenly heard tis song being randomly played by my itunes den i was like i noe tis starting tune and i like it.. den i was like oh tis song.. 1st heard it sung by Josh Groban but its originally frm Michael Jackson.. its quite nice..

She's Out Of My Life
By Michael Jackson

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

when i face problems.. what do i do? juz run away... i try to run away... and e prob becomes bigger.. but i juz cant stop myself frm running away... i juz run even though i noe e prob ahead of me..

juz keep runnin..(finding nemo style: juz keep swimming)
juz keep runnin..
juz keep runnin...

New Blog skin..

tis is my new blog skin.. abit girly lor.. but i like cos it looks nice.. interesting change for once.. give me some comments on how to fine tune it... =)

i wrecked myself.. i stressed myself..

I totally wrecked myself.. i hav stressed myself.. nw im stressed out..

nvr go sch for e 2nd time in 3 days.. powerful rite... woah today backache super pain... it hurts to get up frm a chair... and my mum dun want me to see a chinese physician... and she gives me a stupid reason for it.. -.-

I dun look stressed???!!! u mean i hav to look like one if i am??!! lol.. bernard was e one saying i dun look stressed.. maybe mentally i juz choose to be stressed.. but yet i feel i dun appear so... am i pretendng to be stressed? or am i pretending nt to be? hmm..

tks for ppl's concerns.. but i tink i want to handle it myself for nw... u can call it defence mechanism.. but i wanna keep it with myself for now..

i hav removed tt thought already.

spiritually wrecked...

Song dedication

Tis song is to my dear friend.. though u may read tis.. i doubt u will ever realize it.. though i always am puzzled abt our friendship... cos i tink our chars are at loggerheads.. we always had a gap tt u didnt want to bridge.. i guess cos u tink we dun hav to be better frens.. nvrtheless i will still always try to help u whenever i can.. though most of e time u dun tink u ever need it.. actually true.. i tink i need more help than u do... but well.. tis is for u..

Does Anybody Hear Her
By Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

He is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

This is a song tt probably describes my situation rite nw... 
Maybe except for e last part.. Tis is for me..


Set Me Free
By Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains


Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free


Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?

Jesus, rescue me

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to me


You are free
You are free
You are free

i m seriously very stressed out... cant stand jc... i feel like taking a few weeks brk... aarrgghhh... stressed stressed stressed..... *knocks head against wall*

i juz shldnt be describing what i think rite now... its actually something to do with self-deflating thoughts... oh well...

ive changed alot... dun u tink so... and its ever since i had a blog.. :-p somethings for e better.. many others for e worse actually...

i realized ive been stoning alot.. sometimes not even thinking of anything.. juz stone... maybe cos i dun rock??? :-p

i cant help but think ive wasted my time investing on ppl' lives.. esp 1.. and they dun even appreciate it..

they dun care anymore...

i cant help but think tis way... den at times i think of another.. make up ur mind can u.. den again.. its not up to me...

i tink i am actually beginning to be more and more like joash in someways..

my wishful thinking again i guess...

actaully it dates back to e start f last year.. den had an off period for like 5 months... which started all e mess within my head... den it came back after i removed tt..

wah.. im very tired... piles and piles of hw somemore.. Nicholas here needs lots and lots AND LOTS of strength.. if u can share some ill be glad thank u...

being an ogl is tiring.. but well.. maybe u can use e wrd satisfying.. :-p

"i blog for my own amusement".. seems fitting for e way i blog... haha...

haha.. luckily perked myself up abit when i watched some really dum humor video on youtube.. haha.. :-p

whats e cost of being lazy.. waititng for e bus for half an hr!!!! zzz... den never eat with classmates.. kinda thought i better avoid staying out cos im realli tired and i didnt want tt kind of situation to happen to myself again...

den again...

ogl is kinda satisfying.. i dont wanna say much details nw... tired lah... it is super tiring can.. lolz..

i tink im becoming more and more like a D... is it me or does all leaders hav to be a D?? kinda struck me cos hl was saying e way i say things nt very gd too... den i realized.. ya.. im becoming more like a D... maybe become like rui an ID.. haha... in ogl i feel like a D rather than I or S lah.. i guess e grp too big le bah.. haha... cant talk to all of em.. btu their seriously way enthu.. haha.. i was like wow.. haha.. =)

how do u tink den speak?? i mean its like... ive been like tt ALL MY LIFE!!! i only noe how to speak den tink.. how to correct i dunno.. i havent tried before... organising thoughts? abt tough also.. my brain juz rejects organisation.. haha...

i thought i had alot to tink abt.. den again.. why tink when it is nt even close to happening yet... lol..

im becoming obsessed.. i mean its like yuck... nt worth it... like err similar thing happening again... nt gd..

If u wanna tink abt stuff frm a perspective.. it sometimes can really seem tt way.. happened to me in quite a few things tt is happening to my life nw...

actually.. im happy its less troublesome nw... its nt e same anymore.. i wld be seriously bothered if its like a few months ago... but 1 month can change alot of things u noe.. maybe.. maybe nt.. we'll see..

is there something happening tt i didnt noe?? seems like it.. and plus ive been away for awhile and all...

sometimes im juz glad tt these bonds are formed so strongly.. and i plaed a part in it... but den again... i feel tt i dun wanna commit to it too much anymore... kinda feel distant le... actually ive always felt tt way cos i feel like im trying to mix in... actually for everything im like tt.. :-p guess which bonds these are...

these are all random thoughts tt are all frm alot of things in my life.. some are linked or abt e same thing some are nt.. like i said.. random... in random order.. :-p what i tell u abt disorganised thoughts.. :-p

hmm.. seems like i need to filter away some of my thoughts here.. :-p

me cutting my hair is seriously quite a dum decision..

trying to sink into sch mood.. psycho myself yada yada... nt easy though.. i always trying to start engine.. but after a while let it go cold again..

actually after typing so much.. i feel as if ive nt said anything.. haha.. oh man... sian.. dun wan type le.. gd nite peeps..

theres 1 song bugging me... or more like i listen to it everyday kinda thing.. ahha.. :-p

Boo.. sch's starting..

U noe i realli realli forgotten juz exactly how tough it is for me to study.. aarrgghh... pain pain... muz constantly try to psycho myself.. i was juz reminded while trying to do my hw.. help.. help... its very mind boggling.. its painful to start again..

Its like boo... sch is starting in less than 12 hrs.. gonna go to sch early so gotta wake up like 6.. ee.. gotta hand up hmwrk.. and i havent started on tt one.. ee..

but yeah packed my rm today so much better..

but ee.. worried will kena caught cos of my hair so go cut but den nw so short and ugly.. boo...

ee.. i really dun wanna make e same mistake as i did a few months ago... but i seriously tink i am.. *gasp*

or is it ill revert back to e exact same prob again.. better nt.. boo...

trying very hard nt to let those thoughts run thru my mind.. filter filter..

if only im abit more task oriented.. can get more things done.. arrgghh... and nt like hav 1 big chunk of stuff like now not done..

if is a bad word.. :-p

Negative emotions... I FOUND A SOLUTION!!!

Last nite while doing qt... i did it on a book called The power of a praying teen by Stormie Omartian.. yes its a book... havent read one for some time... I at 1st didnt realli like e way things are said abt e book cos its like trying to sell tis product... but den it relli elped me cos.. i purposely jumped to a chapter called "Lord, help me take control of my mind" And noe what.. i finally noe how to control my emotions.. and actually.. everything else too... i can gain more control and find more strength to do so... i shall share it to e comm on sat.. if u all wanna noe how can ask me.. not gonna blog it out so ma fan... haha...

humbly ive come... humbly i wanna leave...

actually its still bothering me.. but im trying nt to let it to...

New Yr resolution 2007- i gotta learn to control my emotions and life by His strength/ question marks everywhere 2..

Tis is actually nt a continuation of 1 of my previous posts... but juzwanted to hav e same title.. There is alot of thoughts running thru my mind e past few days... earlier was on 1 topic.. e last 2 days was kinda on another... but it actually is centralized arnd my struggles... i dont tink i wanna say what i was thinking.. but i juz wanna say im very srry for acting weird e past few days... esp on sat.. everyone was saying i very rude give black face etc... srry... im having a few struggles nw... tts nt gd but ill try to rectify it... i juz hate e fact tt im starting to lose control of my emotions but tt is e truth... well.. actually i wld say tt i always knew my emotions are kinda weak becos of e scar he left on us... but i thought i handled it really well den.. i dun tink i shld blame him for my weak emotional state... i kinda lost control only tis yr so... but anyway.. i cant stand sudddenly becoming low becos of small and quite stupid reasons... last nite i felt low for quite a few moments... well.. cant blame em its nt their fault.. its juz becos i kinda envy em tt i never had a past juz like em.... never had childhood memories to start with.. i guess its probably one of e reasons which attribute to my character now of living for e present only... haha.. excuse it seems... but i realli gotta learn to control my emotions now... its getting out of hand and i hate it...

haha.. ee.. why i always feel emo one.. crap.. somebody pls scold me for it again... :-p i tink my blog has become an avenue where i fa xie my emos.. haha...

its scary... i dun wanna make e same mistake i made more than half a yr ago which turned my life into a bigger mess.. i dun wanna commit to e thought.. but i tink i already did... which makes me struggle even more now... haha.. sounds like abt me being in exco bu dun wrry its nt.. i never regreted tt decision... i still tink its a great decision to..

i told adriel i dun do new yr resolution cos i never make it.. but maybe... tis yr i shall do so...
New yr resolution:
1) Renew my life in Him
2) Handle my emotions better
3) Be a testimony even at home
4) Stay and survive jc
5) Cut down on usage of com

it kinda reminded me abt my family life.. i juz regret tt i kinda forgo my family life le... my family kinda became with e church le... well.. ever since he left us.. i never liked going out together... do what.. shopping?? lol... living as e only guy in e family kinda maks me become like tt.. nt having any want to be with my family at all... hopefully my future wun be like tt.. but i dun tink my current situation can change much.. cos my family since e past is stay hm alot also.. and do what.. most of e time is nothin but tv.. which i dun want to already... I love my family.. they are more than i cld ask for.. but to spend time with em.. is still my struggle..

am really nt gonna come online often anymore... my com is super lag nw and its wasting my time... i wanted to change blogskin but i dun have e time to nw.. when i can den i wld do it...

oh.. and tks cheryl/ cherie's family for opening their hse for us to stayover.. esp uncle Aric and Aunty Wendy for allowing us to.. i enjoyed e day.. it was great fun and fellowship.. =)

i juz realized tis song got a hidden meaning.. haha... den again i like tis song alot... :-p


No sacrifice- Jason Upton

To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to
To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

To you I give the gifts
Your love has given me
How can I hoard the treasures that you've designed for free?

Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is staronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

To you I give my future
As long as it may last
To you I give my present
To you I give my past

Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life