Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Time to switch channels to be more task oriented and focused. Relationships are to be put aside for now. Time to not think too much, but just do. I always think too much.

New song. Whatever they say(accapella) by DBSK. Theres 2 bad things about this song. !st i dont like the way they screech so high. And i dont like the fact that they used a keyboard or something like that for the bass note for this supposedly accapella song. I was wondering woah yunho can really sing low but i already used to think that it doesnt sound like a voice. Now im quite sure cause i heard a part in the song where its very obvious. Hint: its at the 2nd half of the song. Anyway, i really love this song cause its very very nice song and maybe cause i really love accapella. :-p Im lazy to find the lyrics lah. Just enjoy the song. Its great. It dont sound as great on speakers. Earphones are recommended. Maybe cause im a music enthusiast, thus listening with earphones may it sound really great, and you can hear the bass much louder. The bass makes it sound all the more better. =)

Monday, July 30, 2007

I really wonder. Whats my problem, that i have to choose this. For both things. It might be so much easier choosing other paths. Why this? And this?

you know. I really think. It's so weird. The weird kinda relationship, that has little direct communication, but only indirect. Not that indirect is bad, its just, odd. I guess i am the kind, who dont like tech to replace traditional methods of communication.

i guess i am understanding myself better. Well, you know nowadays, i just really dont like being myself. I wish to stick to a "click", but i guess i never did have. And i am still the same
, clickless, talking to everyone, freely. I dont like it now because, just how muc of these people willreally be friendships which last? How many would really treat me as "one of them"? A classic eg is my friendship with mavis. I dont talk to her when i dont see her. When i see her, maybe i make an effort to talk to her, as she arent really close to everyone else when she comes. And we suddenly talk just like we've known each other for years. Lol. But i guess she and han same type one lah. Only she can take han's nonsence. " I am attached but available". I am not the type lor. I dont like those kinda statements, like some of the people who likes to say im available. Thats why i am look up to uncle tiang. Only he would go "I am only available to my wife". So sweet!!! Yay all the way man uncle tiang. Woohoo~

Then again, theres 2 sides of me. I would either love to go out with a really small group of ppl
like 3-5 like say maybe my birthday(which apparently has just passed), but the other side of me just feels so bad not to ask alot of people to come. Who has impacted me 1 way or another. I guess maybe everyone is too equal to me. If i invite 1, then i must ask alot liao. And i am here complaining about this problem!!! I just tend to make alot of people equal. Another reeason is, I think that i am close to people more than others would think i am to them. THIS IS BAD!!! I overestimate closeness too much. People made me realize this, by saying but you're not very close to ___ what? Then i'll be like... Lol. I dunno.

You know thats why i dont like relationships, cause you cant really measure them. ANyway im starting to question the importance relationships. I am starting to question whether they are really that important, or at least, I treat them as too important. Its like i start to feel, there are alot of things that could actually be more important. Hmm. I dunno.

I have another problem. My feelings are seriously overiding my logic. Like i sorta think that doing certain things might be wrong before i did it, but i still went ahead with it. I cant stand it cause, i am sinning alot cause i cant control my" spurs of the moment". Like once i feel i cant study, i really cant. I can drive sense to overide my feelings. Haiz.

I just really hope that, the things i am choosing to do, are really want God wants to happen in me. Haiz. time to PRAY MORE!!!! My relationship is about rock bottom again. I guess when i start not talking to Him enough, i start to fee wrong again. Or is it just my feelings? Anyway ivre not been praying much. Not good.

I am dead busy. Zz.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Does anybody have heart brakes? No im not spelling wrongly. My heart is racing like mad cause i was chionging work and the many stuff that i had to do, but because of the environment and frustrations, i ended up being unable to slow my mind down cause it became frantic and messy. I cant think clearly. Talking helped, though i was talking frantically, and faster than normal. But soon, it started racing again. Tried to sleep. Worse. Wasted time, and the mind won't slow down. But while having dinner, it slowed down, but turned into a headache. A short post now, to clear my mind. Feeling better. Time to get some laughing remedy. :-p I am recommending, to you all too, go youtube, search for "whose line is it anyway", and get good laughs. Its still all my fav videos to tickle my funny bone, another recommendation by ben is "thank God you're here". Its longer in story mode, but still good. Heres my fav video for the day. I tell you, maybe i someone who laughs easily, but i really cant stop laughing watching this. Go here to enjoy. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lfnsxYCzJo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwxAcRiTm1w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSs7NCWp6kA

I should remind myself, I guess for now, i need no assurance anymore. =D : >

Sunday, July 22, 2007

You know i'm at that stage, where only a few certain relationships seems very important to me. A FEW! Being someone with countless friendships , with so many just acquaintances. I wonder what all these relationships would count towards. Sure fellow bros and sis are different(maybe this is not true at the moment :-p). It feels so much like its a waste of time, spending time with all these people, when i cant afford to. Now that i think of it, I would rather spend time with a select few that count as important people in my life that deserves more of more time? Ok rather than deserve, i would rather spending time with. Its like what is 10 friends compared to one great friend. One friend where you can share both ways, one that keeps each other accountable, one that will last. I really wonder how many relationships will last in my life once i do not get to see them much. This occurred to me seeing all the army guys in church. I wonder how many people i would really spend time with, with those limited time i have. Like whether i'll meet them up. (Then again, i might be more free than them. Ok i'm too optimistic about this. :-p) i really feel like i should make full use of my time now whenever i'm out, with those i really wanna spend time with, especially since my time is probably tighter now than during army.

Haiz. Ok maybe im being very selfish and self centered here.

I have so many worries. I have so many questions and worries. I guess the only think can do, is remind myself, to not think of it and leave it to the future.

How many times do i need to feel confused? I guess as long as nothing is set in stone( a similie from moses and the ten commandments :-p), i will always feel this way.

You know i am very short sighted. When i think of now, i feel so sian and feel so void, just like everything is like not worth the while.. But when i actually think of what im doing and the future, everything seems so much worth it. I NEED TO BE LONG SIGHTED!!!! Thats why God gave the hope and the goal. The things to work towards! =)

Im gonna quietly stop going for yf already. Not to mention, for now i doubt i'll go for any additional bible classes and service choirs etc, but i dont wanna lose my voice and all my techniques that ive been training. =( But now is close all doors and chiong all the way!

Highly recommended song! I love this song to bits. Makes me feel like praising God so much. Especially the chorus is good. Hope you'll like it like i do. =)

Now playing:

How Can I Keep From Singing
Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You’ll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing ‘cause You pick me up
Sing ‘cause You're there
I can sing ‘cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Bad things always come to an end. Good things will also come to an end. But if we learn to not to cling to the good things that has ended, we'll be surprised that good things will still come.

Sometimes when you are all ready to drop things, sometimes when you say i dont want it, God just gives it to you. I was ready to say its ok, i wont try to hold onto it, and let it go. But to my surprise, it came back to me. I guess sometimes when we hold onto things too much, we cant let go. Once we've learned to let go, we might be surprise what we'll get on the contrary. Then again, it was still suddenly taken away from me, then I was like! But its ok. At least it has already made me glad. Im not overjoyed. Just glad.
=)

The bad things has ended. It wasn't as bad as i thought it would i guess. Maybe cause i got lucky. The good things has come to pass too. And hopefully it wont be the same again.

Really. The good thing was really just a small thing. But sometimes, good things come in small packages. =)

Im glad that at least theres a small thing. =)

Dead tired for an unknown reason today. Falling asleep everywhere, just as if i didnt sleep last night like that. Lol.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I didnt expect it, to come tmr. Oh well, my as well end it as soon as possible. Haiz.

I am starting to lose control. Losing control of my mind, my thoughts, my time, my walk, my life. Everything is really going haywire, especially thoughts, which are making me crazy. They are the start of all problems i guess. This thoughts, that thoughts, those thoughts, making me mad. Haiz. I cant stand the way im wasting time, the way things are not being done, the way thoughts bother me. Seems like im always plagued with troublesome thoughts. Seem like im always plagued with sin. Wait, they both are.(they have nothing to do with family btw)

That sin is making everything worse.

Ok enough complaining, time to get stuff done. Time to get the walk straight. Time to forget many things.


Todays quote of the day from qt, timely. It helps to remind me, to look forward, to the future, than what is, now. I think i can relate so many of my problems due to my short-sightedness.

There’s so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight’s far too dim,
But come what may, I’ll simply trust
And leave it all to Him. —Overton

Isaiah 55:6-9

6Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:

7Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

8For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I have learned so much from a book, i want to share, especially the ending part. But im too tired to do so now. Maybe sometime soon. Sch is crazy draining. Yay im finishing a book for once. Accomplishment!!! :-p Dont remember when was the last time i read finish a book. Lol.

My worst fears came true. Hopefully it is not as scary as i think it will be. :-p Hopefully they dont do or ask me to do anything funny. :-p

사랑에 미쳐서

Monday, July 16, 2007

Well, its not that easy to not think about it, is it.

Well, its not that easy to not commit that sin is it.( it has nothing to do or has no relation to anyone. Its a personal struggle)

Sick again. Zz. Vomiting saliva. :-p Guess who i saw at the clinic? Joash. And guess what. His mum works at the clinic i go every other week. Which means i actually knew his mum without actually realizing it!!! Surprise surprise huh.

unfortunately, i cant stick to just doing tasks. I need peoples help. I cant stand little communication and acting transparent.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Boo! Sunday blues again. no matter what i do. Haiz. I guess cause i always look forward to weekends, and don't really like weekdays, then this happens.

I feel challenged, to change attitudes. I learned alot through a book. Especially the last time i read it on fri night. I realized i was so wrong all this while. I realized people made the right decisions but i didn't. I realized my decisions are all wrong all this while. I dont know whether its pure coincidence, but im glad people did the right thing even if so often i pushed for something wrong which i didnt know, only to realize its not the best way to do things. You know how scary is that. Lol.

The hard part is changing how i would do things. Anyhow i thank God that i am where i am now. By God's grace, i am where i am now, though changing how i would think and how "life" would progress is hard, i would rather follow "advice" and do things the Godly way, and even if things do not go my way, i know its all God's will.

Another random thought: Its hard to not want things that you want, but you know you should not seek it. Lol. Its abit confusing.Hopefully i'll not want them anymore. You know you can feel the 2 side of you fighting. Its like i really want something but the other side tells you no, you should not want it. Sian i tell you. Things i should not be struggling at this time. :-p

Hopefully the last of it, here goes: Its so infrequent, it feels unimportant. Its so infrequent, that i would desire it so much. I really.... want... to... sssssssssssss......... ttttttttttttttt....... wwwwww...

Lol. Haha. It seems very dum and quite meaningless anymore. :-p Hopefully i really can forgo all my desires. It really bug me, especially since my emotions fluctuate alot. When im ok it seems dum. When im not ok. Haiz. Cannot resist.

Ive been watching alot of DBSk videos again. Banjun Drama!!! And i'm downloading it. :-p I love NG's. Haha. So funny. I was so touched by Max's story in Unforgettable love that i wanted to cry can. Been sometime. :-p Others are really nice but err aiya always know bad ending one. The typical korean drama. Lol. I wish i can understand korean. Must always rely on subs. Lets see. I already know 4 languages and you can consider 2 more dialects. 1 more is fine. Oh i wanna learn jap too. Oh wait theres spanish too. :-p These are the growing list of things i wanna do after A's. Haiz but i know i cant fulfill all of them.

Harry Potter is GOOOOOOODDDD!!! But however, im not potter fan. NEVER actually watched 1 of their movies or read their books except maybe watching bits and pieces of the older movies on tv? Maybe cause i have no expectations. But its good. Watched it on fri night. :-p

Next week got soccer match vs Mount Carmel bp on sun. Cool. :-p

I am actually sian of yf too. Lol. But im still quite unmotivated to study. Die lah.

Yay im doing worship. Expect to see a bunch of chris tomlin and even planetshakers. You'll say can meh. Lol. You'll see. :-p

New song to share. Really spoke to me. Got 1 more even nicer. But i'll share this 1st. YAy. Al the way Chris Tomlin.

The Way I Was Made
Chris Tomlin

Caught in the half-light, I'm caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Something really really bad happened yesterday.

Really really bad.

It ONLY HAPPENED ONCE before. And that is bad enough.

Laura is going to get traumatized. She already felt it after the 1st time.

If you want to know. TRY HARD TO ASK ME PERSONALLY, and under the right conditions and circumstances i MIGHT say. If you bother.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

NO DENGUE!!! WOOHOO~~!!! Just some infection that caused internal bleeding. The internal bleeding is the most scary though. I was so shocked and scared at that moment and it was painful too. Even the doc is very curious what exactly caused it and whether it will persist. Lol.

Some things really make me wonder. They are so grey. So grey. I may think that it may lean towards one way, but its so grey, i may be wrong too. Can someone point directions. They are really like soft grey folds in between and i cant say for certain its this or that. No point pondering and wandering anyway. I'll never get answers. Only God knows.

Movin on.

Time to get into the MUGGING mood!!!! :-p


reply to tags:

jackson- Hey!!! Havent seen you ages, if you got read my blog, not too good. How about you?
Hey do you know that YOUR BADMINTON RACKETS ARE WITH ME!!!! :-p

Monday, July 09, 2007

Cannot think... Cannot think... Cannot think... Cannot think... Cannot think...

CANNOT MMMMMMMMMMMM......

Iam in the i am sick i cant study mood. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!


Yay. No fever for 1 day!!! NO super pain headache for 1 day!!! = most likely no dengue!!! But this morning when i woke up i realized i had internal bleeding!!! Crazy lah scared me to death. I went to ns checkup, but left there claiming i have suspected dengue and had my checkup rescheduled. Anyway i had internal bleeding so. Left and went to see doc. Doc says bleeding is likely because of infection and not dengue. Hope hes right. If tues/ wed got fever again means cham liao must go do blood test. Anyway i have to see him next week because of the infection thingy.

I am going gaga over chris tomlin. I like "Enough" which is playing in my blog now, How great is our God, Indescribable, Holy is the Lord, your grace is enough, Unfailing love,The way I was made, Mighty is the power of the cross(see so many from the he's arriving album), everything, Famous one, How can i keep from singing, Made to worship and i think got more lor. Lol. Already got 11 liao. Also i like DBSK acapella lah. Cause they're so good singing acapella lah. Why cant they sing more of it? Lol. Like make a acapella album? ;-p Rekindled interest in their mv's again. :-p

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Oh no. Headache is back again. Fever is back again from no fever this morning, afternoon= dengue!!! Sian. there is 1 thing i always regret not doing, or feel sian about, but im like, haiz. If only i can get over it.

Im in no mood to study especially plus the sickness thing and all. Zz.



I cant explain it, but im feeling unhappy. Well, ok im unhappy because this thought came to mind during service, contradictory to what was being preached, about loving one another, i was feeling unhappy about people who are not coming for yf, or will not be coming for yf for the coming months because of exams. Its a sudden thought, that i was like, ok i will understand if your exams are coming soon like 1-2 weeks before or like a month before a major exam. But its like, if its the next like few months, and everyone does that, we my as well disband yf, or make yf like from november to june. Then everyone goes for study break till their major exams end. For the next few months at least, it just seems despondent that people will not/are not likely to come. Im like fine lah, i also dont attend also lor. I also have major exams what. I can dont attend from now onwards what, and no one will blame me for doing the wrong thing anyway. Maybe its because i dont view studies very importantly, thats why. But im like, it just goes to show how important people view yf as a part of their life lah.

Ok maybe yf doesnt affect people's life the way it did to me. But im like, people are trying very hard to make yf enjoyable and yet help us to gain in interest in God's word, and be conformed to God's word, yet people are like not responding. I wonder why are we trying so hard for what lah. I understand why the old ones like to use the phrase "lets just disband yf". SO many can actually think that yf is not very beneficial, like they dont learn much and all. Yaya im sure if we disband it it doesnt make much of a difference also right. Its just a phase in life after all right. Im sorry i cant say anymore/ go into specifics about my unhappiness with people(ok yes im unhappy with people). Maybe im the type that do not understand the importance of studies i guess. Ok my unhappiness is misguided because i think it happens everywhere i guess its just that. Haiya. Sorry for my very unhappy thoughts. If you think you belong to the group of people i mentioned and you felt offended im sorry cause im just letting out most of my thoughts.

I guess its like what pastor said- i start to expect too much from people. And as God said- people will always fail you, and wont meet up to your expectations/needs. OK maybe cause im sick and im feeling despondent. So sorry. If you strongly disagree with what i said and feel that you should let me know you can always look me up. Im glad to hear it out.

OK im really fearing that i might have dengue cause my symptoms are similar to my mums and i have very very bad headache. Never so painful before. Its like i was have this pain in my head right, then every like now and then i would feel like someone would whack my head like that. A sudden severe pain that makes me abit groggy. I tell you, the pain is so unbearable until i cant sleep can. Plus i have fluctuating fever can- sometimes have sometimes dont have. Lol. And if i sleep i feel worse lor. My mum says its just like when she got dengue. If by tues this pain and fever dont go away its likely gg you all can come visit me in hospital liao. Lol.

Wah so pain lor. I tell you all its really unbearable. It almost feels like you rather kill yourself than to go through this pain kinda pain, if you get me. Its mad lah. And its at this kinda time that i really wish i could rely on others for support. Even sometimes my mum helps. :-p

Can someone help me make my fonts bigger? I just cant seem to make it bigger. Zz.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

07/07/07 Post no 251: Down with fever

Post no 251, on 07/07/07, reads,

Last night, i met this old friend. When i met him, i immediately recognized this old friend.
He made me feel hot. No its not ego. Its fever. When i was getting it, i was like, this is it, oh no. I dislike getting fever. Its so painful. Initially at the beginning of the day. It didnt felt that bad, but as time went past it feels worse and worse, especially after i slept. Its like, while i walk around the house, i could feel that occasionally my head would suddenly hurt in pain. And i would feel giddy. I feel very weak, and the headache is yikes. Actually i am quite unhappy that i got it on a sat. Its like cant go yf, and maybe even service. But in a sense its better timing, cause i will miss sch on monday because of ns checkup, thus i got 1 more day to rest- unless the fever doesnt subside. If it doesn't.....

It has a good chance of being DENGUE!!!!

Ok not good. And my mum just recovered from it like about 1 month ago.

Typing a blog post is so tiring. I need to summon quite a bit of energy in order to type this out. If i go to sleep, i wont feel good; but yet dont have energy to do anything else. Zz.

Again, i've been having lots of dreams. 3 hrs of sleep could bring me 4 dreams can. Again, its one of those dreams that is nice but you rather you dont dream about it. I noticed- a friend of mine is perpetually involved in these "nice" dreams. Its not like that person was the thing that made it nice, that person just always happen to be there.
I wonder why.

Lets hope its not dengue ok?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Struggling with sin

I have quite a few major struggle these days and i guess i really want/need help but i guess maybe only God can help me? Telling others is going to be not wasy, especially since now i dont get the opportunity to do so often. If it comes, i might say. But i think its not easy, and for now its God and me. Yet im struggling to find solace in solutions from God. I can ask God to help me so often but i guess i must learn to take action to do so but i still dont know how to.

I have problems finding joy in God's word alone. And im, like always seeking refuge in playing, but it actually doesn't help but rather eats away time just so that it can pass. I know that everything else is vain and is an empty vessel that can only be filled by God. But i guess i dont even think that God has helped with that empty vessel, thus i guess its so easy to run away from asking him for it, no matter how much i know he could. But it sortof feels like, it doesnt help?

Help, someone???

I dont know about you all, but i cant stand sinning. I cant stand it that you know that something is wrong and you keep doing it. It is such a struggle. You know i can struggle with it, then realize that suddenly snapped out of it and say lol this is so stupid why am i struggling with it. Then for awhile i can dont struggle with it. Not long later, i still can so easily succumb to it. You know how dum it feels. Lol. I know its so stupid lor. Zz.

Why do i always feel that im so free? Why am i free? i know that im always free. Free enough to do better stuff and make use of my time to do stuff(eg study), but i always just end up wasting time. I guess i have many responsibility, disciplinary, priority problems. Zz. And its so hard to change. Its so hard to change certain tendency to sin. I wanna learn how to make full use of my time. =( Its so irritating.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Internet back up. Do you know how much trouble the numerous internet problems caused us. Next time i'll really boycott singnet.

No more flooded mailboxes.

No more stressful meetings.

Only studying left.

This sux.

I have a problem.

it is fationanuit.

Die lah. It became clear after "someone" enlightened me.

I have a feeling my relationships with people are not in a good state.

Also, i actually understand now how to define the state of my relationships with ppl more clearly. And i can see lines and boundaries more clearly too. :-p

I think i said this before but, i would tend to think that i am close to people more than is actually is, or at least to them.

All is vanity.

God is enough.

I NEED DISCIPLINE TO STUDY!!! I have paper tmr and im in the bo chap mood again. Zz. =(

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Ok. Maybe i need to stop playing sports for awhile. My back hurts from basketball today. Zz. Initially i stopped after about an hour cause my calf muscle was starting to pull(like always). Den i realized my back was very sore immediately. Ouch. I am in a very bad physical condition. I am very unfit now, and whenever i play sports my back would hurt liao. But asking me not to play
sports is like asking me not to talk. Lol. And i believe my back is worsening because ive not been strengthening my back muscles and im getting fat. =( You know when you start to have a heavier tummy err theres more strain on your back? :-p Don't sound absolutely logical but it makes sense. :-p OK maybe i should shed some weight but not play sports for awhile. :-p Better not strain it.

At least im not the only one who needs to take care of our back. :-p

You better take care of it too ya, or not next time cannot do the things you like to do like certain "sports" you know. :-p

Today i saw someone i know at a bus stop holding hands with a guy. I was like!!! I was in the bus and i think she saw me but i pretended not to see her. I shan't reveal where i know this person, lest everyone keeps bugging me about it, and i dont think i should gossip about others people business, but im just worried for her. Wonder if her parents know.(*hint* *hint*) :-p

I found a match in terms of talking. VICKY!!!! She really can talk alot!!! Not that its a bad thing, but its not to catch up with her especially i dont see her often. And i only knew her from her visits. :-p We just hit off quite well. I wonder if she reads this. :-p Anyway, its nice talking to you. :-p Its nice to hear how God has been growing her church there, being a missions church and all, and having 25 cell groups with a total no of 300+, our congregation size!!! One of the surprising thing to hear from her is, they have a SONG COMPOSITION MINISTRY!!! Theres also like multimedia min, food min(their church makes lunch and everyone donates AU$4 to be donated to missions field. We should do that. :-p) and lots and lots of ministries that I wouldn't have thought of. :-p And she is a assistant cell group leader, and her cell group are teenagers from 18-20. Maybe thats why we hit off. :-p Oh ya she blogs. I have her link. :-p Cool stuff. =)