I really wonder. Whats my problem, that i have to choose this. For both things. It might be so much easier choosing other paths. Why this? And this?

you know. I really think. It's so weird. The weird kinda relationship, that has little direct communication, but only indirect. Not that indirect is bad, its just, odd. I guess i am the kind, who dont like tech to replace traditional methods of communication.

i guess i am understanding myself better. Well, you know nowadays, i just really dont like being myself. I wish to stick to a "click", but i guess i never did have. And i am still the same
, clickless, talking to everyone, freely. I dont like it now because, just how muc of these people willreally be friendships which last? How many would really treat me as "one of them"? A classic eg is my friendship with mavis. I dont talk to her when i dont see her. When i see her, maybe i make an effort to talk to her, as she arent really close to everyone else when she comes. And we suddenly talk just like we've known each other for years. Lol. But i guess she and han same type one lah. Only she can take han's nonsence. " I am attached but available". I am not the type lor. I dont like those kinda statements, like some of the people who likes to say im available. Thats why i am look up to uncle tiang. Only he would go "I am only available to my wife". So sweet!!! Yay all the way man uncle tiang. Woohoo~

Then again, theres 2 sides of me. I would either love to go out with a really small group of ppl
like 3-5 like say maybe my birthday(which apparently has just passed), but the other side of me just feels so bad not to ask alot of people to come. Who has impacted me 1 way or another. I guess maybe everyone is too equal to me. If i invite 1, then i must ask alot liao. And i am here complaining about this problem!!! I just tend to make alot of people equal. Another reeason is, I think that i am close to people more than others would think i am to them. THIS IS BAD!!! I overestimate closeness too much. People made me realize this, by saying but you're not very close to ___ what? Then i'll be like... Lol. I dunno.

You know thats why i dont like relationships, cause you cant really measure them. ANyway im starting to question the importance relationships. I am starting to question whether they are really that important, or at least, I treat them as too important. Its like i start to feel, there are alot of things that could actually be more important. Hmm. I dunno.

I have another problem. My feelings are seriously overiding my logic. Like i sorta think that doing certain things might be wrong before i did it, but i still went ahead with it. I cant stand it cause, i am sinning alot cause i cant control my" spurs of the moment". Like once i feel i cant study, i really cant. I can drive sense to overide my feelings. Haiz.

I just really hope that, the things i am choosing to do, are really want God wants to happen in me. Haiz. time to PRAY MORE!!!! My relationship is about rock bottom again. I guess when i start not talking to Him enough, i start to fee wrong again. Or is it just my feelings? Anyway ivre not been praying much. Not good.

I am dead busy. Zz.