Been going out alot.../ been there.. done tt... and now clearing it away...

Been going out alot recently with e class... or at least spending alot of time together eating out and stuff... today... yest nite... last fri.. last tues... almoz like twice a week kinda thing at least... having loadsof fun.. but tt makes everything else real busy... have alot of things to do for pw.. and den theres CHIINESE!!! haven study for tt lah... die die...

lets see... lets start frm monday... did pw e whole afternoon after choir... den went for j1 end yr bash.. nt realli waste time cos its an excuse for e class to be together again.. haha... but e turnout was real bad... almoz a failure... wads for dinner at e end year bash.. chips, twisties and lollipops... nt forgetting fire too... jons real nice shirt caught fire which was a stunner lah... he had to strip his shirt and we had to quickly extingiush e fire by stepping on it.. toking abt fun.. haha... luckily there wasnt much ppl den... vonn ng won e grand prize for e bash... a brand new psp.. woohoo.. tt juz shows how little ppl there is.. her chances of winning i tink was abt 1/100... if count our class is abt 15%.. lol... definitely high.. and she was e lucky one.. =) den a big grp of us left early and went to eat dinner at tamp east cc there... cos we felt pointless being at e bash... so left... they played all e disco and rock music.. dislike those envirionments.. so left... saw jinbo at bash lah.. wah lao.. haha.. hes frm tpjc.. :-p dinner was kinda fun.. toking and toking.. :-p den e rest of e class came when it ended.. luckily ng gave her ticket to someone to help her get her prize.. e winning no was 314.. i had 315.. lol.. haha.. nvm.. dun wanna spend time on it anyway..

i juz wanna say im srry to someone... srry we left u and went for dinner... i noe how it feels... i promise we'll try nt to.. or at least i wun pang seh u k? =)

den had to do i and r at nite.. but fell asleep instead.. den woke up late cos never set alarm... when reach sch today... realized i didnt make it for ogl.. guess cosof results cos andrew didnt make it too... i wld realli wanna learn mass dance... and meet ppl.. but too bad.. maybe ill crash or something... :-p see how... and its gd in a sense... but like our class gt 12 ppl going.. and its e closer 12 in class... all e close frens going i nt going... sian...

den went to downtown east to eat lunch... den tried to book chalet.. realized need to be at least 18 and lotsa stuff.. so gotta go with wei qiangs parents tis weekend or something.. after tt went to st(now nicknamed bang bang)'s hse... her hse very cheena sia.. cos of stuff arnd.. deco and an altar.. haha.. we stayed there and played mahjong e whole day.. nt realli something i like to do.. although i gt abit addicted e 1st time i played.. but after today felt guilty playing mahjong e whole day... zzz... nt very fun anymore.. haha...

now i noe tis feeling.. actually i shld thank God... tt thru tis is a learning experience.. tt im jealous... and ure doing what im doing to u... but theres a big diff of course... ure hoping itll happen.. and im hoping ill forget... i feel tt kinda jealous feeling seeing u... but well... im learning... and i noe jealousy and envy are bad feelings... but at least i noe i hav ever experienced it.... and i can come out stronger... and hopefully with strengthen faith...

like i always said.. its irritating... and ull never guess it or realize it... and i noe u dun deserve it...
all i can say is i told u before... tts my 1st to anyone.. and e last to u... u dun realize it its ur prob...

been there.. done tt... and now clearing it away... go die my feelings for u... never want to see u again...

hey.. realized i actually dun quite look my age... cos of comments by jia min.. him saying tt i look like 15.. actually after looking at mirror and thinking bout it.. i thought hey.. hes quite rite... i look quite childish.. haha.. joker looking... hopefully forever 15... :-p
and hopefully will be like 15 again.. nt thinking of any of those things :-p

i wonder its juz me or lows response on msn is becoming like hl's... haha... actually i guess cos i was expecting a more responsive reply like al's or others tts why.. iris is also almoz like tt.. but at least she shows concern sometimes... =)

hey hav nt been telling jx abt these thoughts... find one day and tell him... :-p but its nt like hes very interested... haha.. seems like no ones interested to noe anithing... so ill keep my mouth shut... :-p

bb... gots loadsof stuff to do.. lotsof slp to catchup... carolling prac tis sat yea yea!! :-p

BBQ last nite..

In case someone knew... i actually deleted my last post cos it was so wrong and actually very pessimistic.. so deleted it... if u read it nt gd.. if u didnt den its ok... better nt noe..

i basically juz said i argued with my family and tt i have big probs in my char tt i have to change esp to my family members... have to sort tt out... also said a few other stuff in very pessimistic tone.. so...

all is vanity...

gotta make tis quick its so late..

juz had a reminder today and it made think again... tt we christians have a joy and bond tt others do nt have.. esp e joy part... its always said tt ull never noe if u do nt try it urself... so why dont anyone try to know more if ppl like us always said its worth it? i guess e thought of having a religion and having to "waste time" can be overwhelming tt ppl shun frm it.. but like we all noe.. all tis time is worth it... and nt everyone has to spend so much time like some ppl(like me) do... if u experience it... ull noe what i mean.. realli...

its a reminder to myself to spread God's love to everyone... so hopefully i can make all of u feel loved.. as i spend time with u all... =)

yest i juz realized our sco performance have to sing all buddhist songs... wah... dun feel comfortable lor.. but juz hav to ignore it... although now i dun feel like performing... zzz..

at nite had bbq for e yf... quite alot of ppl turn up... alot of fd was nt cooked so was wasted.. jx came... gdgd.. at least someone came... and more time spent with him.. :-p juz crapped arnd with him.. too bad other ppl did nt tok to him much.. so felt tt he was quite alone when i had to do stuff for e bbq and e logistics too... so tried nt to allow tt to happen.. i wldnt say it was extremly fun.. but well.. juz glad.. like trish and rui said.. to see so many ppl comin.. :-p

today was quite sian.. soccer came so late so didnt play much... end up feeling i have too much energy so went to jog at nite... always wanted to do so but was too lazy to do so... always procrastinate like today... but managed to get myself to go.. nt i fat pig le.. i lost weight.. but tts muscle mass.. jx say i seem smaller nowadays compared to my older photos.. but actually gained quite abit of fat lor.. heart kinda fat too cannot run fast... but although i dun hav no stamina and determination.. i always feel like i hav lotsa of energy.. after running... and stamina drained... cannot run le.. after a while i still feel like i got alot of energy.. lol.. i always like tt... got "energy" no stamina.. weird weird...

stop secret coding like everyone noe.. haha..

but u noe... i realli dun like realistic ppl... too realistic.. too practical.. always thinking of how to achieve their own goals... an eg is like say praise someone like siao juz to help urself to win... i was reminded of tis incident of someone when i was toking to sl.. and found out... tt im actually very idealistic... and dun like doing things these way... dun like ppls realistic methods.. and tt tis world is like tt concept.. i still do tink.. if u noe how to handle it properly... it can nt be like tt... its hard to do so.. but i believe in ideals.. :-p

recently have nt been treating someone as nice as i wld want it to be... like always only her feel like wanna zhen dui... and almoz no one else... something i gotta learn to change... but hard cos shes like tt.. and e things she does always gets on my nerves... den shes tt kind who dun care dun clear misunderstandings up.. lol.. even al noes lah.. and ask me... den i told him.. like she cares... like i said.. it gets on my nerves.. and we are kinda weird frens.. haha... er.. dun realli noe how to exprain... but haiya wanna noe ask me ill tell u... :-p wish i wld stop treating her like tt.. quite bad lah...

u noe alot of things i realli wanna tell ppl.. but i juz dun noe how.. and if they dun ask.. how u wan me to say.. like tt quite random ah...

actually i found out i have a huge weakness cos i have decided to put myself in tt position... so if someone found out how to exploit it.. oh o...

kinda regret some things i have done.. made me lose a truly possible gd fren.. and now its like...

u are someone who is common everywhere... juz like every other.. which i used to despise... and ignore.. but somehow... i allowed u to break thru... i actually hav a rough idea how it happenned.. and why do i.. but i juz.. cant forget... even though.. i noe all abt it... and tt its nt possible... but i juz cant stop feeling concerned... can u juz.. pls get outta my head.. thank u...

slack day? wasted day? fun day? everything jumbled up together..

hmm... juz came hm.. wanted to pen some thoughts...

sometimes i feel...
sometimes i think...
sometimes i feel i shldnt think..
sometimes i think i shldnt feel...

haha.. dun noe what i toking abt...

sometimes i feel/think.. ya.. it seems so...
im confused between thinking and feeling...

haha.. was thinking abt quite a few things juz now on e way hm... but well.. thoughts during fatigue is always nt gd...

so rather than tok abt feelings... lets tok abt e past week...

today... my pw grp members came my hse to do pw.. den al came... den all of us were late meeting e girls.. i told andrew lah... den he say why so scared and stuff and made a dum comment.. lol... after we met up.. went to queensway to look for shoe... wanted to buy a converse shoe and a bottle.. but well... couldnt find neither... queensway is nt a gd place to buy converse stuff... anyway now is nt a gd time to get a shoe yet... so... gd in a sense.. took a bus to parkway.. lolz.... on e bus... i took some photos of e ppl sleeping.. cos while i was sleeping initially on e bus... i thought.. i wanted to capture e innocent faces of some ppl sleeping... u noe... to remind myself of em.. nt smiling.. nt unhappy.. juz tt neutral sleeping face.. feels warm and wld bring a smile to my face juz by looking at tt expression... :-p onli managed to take a few... will collect these memories in e future.. den when reach parkway... end up playing pool... sian my pool sucks.. tried to use e things adrain thought me but i juz couldnt cos something is still wrong with my posture and stuff.. so end up playing so badly... so sian... only moment i played well was potting 3 balls in a row.. lol.. tts all.. ovrl feel very sian...

on e way hm.. al left his keys with jg.. den ran to jg juz before we borded our bus cos jg bus was reaching.. he managed to get his keys before jg left... den on e pathway in e middle of e field outside e mrt.. it was quite dark... but den.. e sky was so huge and clear.. nt tt there were any stars.. but juz e big huge sky and e moon made me feel gd... love tt sight.. juz wanted to lie there and look at e sky... den.. on my way hm.. was toking to al abit abt relationship(frens lah) issues... den made me think again since i came hm..

somethings juz cld nt be forgotten tt easily...

sometimes i dunno whether i noe what ppl are toking abt.. or its juz i anyhow assume concluded.. irritating lah i think i noe what ppl are toking abt... or sometimes afraid i guess wrongly.. haiz cannot think abt it..

orvl.. actually like i have blogged.. didnt do much.. but well.. actually.. its still fun spending time... e company and all.. :-p

actually wanted to blog abt what happen e past few days.. rather than juz feelings.. but den.. well maybe later..

when we see each other then... it feels so cold... dun feel like tokin... cos what u said left me cold and lost for words.. i think i realli was/am blind..

back..

abt tis week..

mon was pw den choir..

tues was e best day of e week... had prayer meeting in e morn at tricias hse.. which was great.. greatly needed it at tt time... watched millions.. cool movie... dun mind watching it again.. :-p den went out with class to bugis.. at 1st planned vivocity.. but too many pppl.. so went bugis instead... e girls wanted to eat.. so went pastamania... me al and jg was trying to be funny... haha... den went window shopping.. it was kinda like a girls haven.. but nvm i didnt realli find it a drag... kinda curious to shop arnd since ive nt been doing so for years.. den took neoprint.. my 1st... initially bought some supposedly keychain but den was a disaster.. dunno spent money on it for what.. and made me late for adrian's bday celebrations... but ovrl like i said.. chatting and crapping is nice.. :-p adrians bday was painful.. cos went to fish and co and eat.. created a hole in my pocket.. as well as my head.. too much msg den i gt immediate headache.. ouch.. haha.. den adrian was forced to stand on chair and wave a firework while e fish and co ppl all gathered and did a cheer.. den a birthday song.. ahha.. so funny.. den later was cartel but nt worth mentioning.. juz waste time..

saw junyuan.. wanted to see him for a long time.. he dissappeared frm church some time ago... hmm.. i dont dare ask him.. and.. he seems diff.. u noe.. in my mind.. junyuan is e nicest person i noe... realli quite perfect.. a great role model... i cld remember those times... when he helped me so much... but den.. it seems tt tt picture is smashed.. cos it seems like hes nt quite e one i knew anymore... sad... i feel... cos... it juz seems it isnt as i thought... sob sob..

wed was when i knew i was promoted.. yeah woohoo.. ogl interview was great.. i kinda enjoyed it actually... :-p choir was short tt day.. wasted time on com e whole nite..

thurs was op whole day... can cry sia... but i kinda enjoyed it... acc made xi wen mad.. luckily shes ok already... phew.. vonne ng was having a bad tummyache.. u noe.. i kinda was very worried for her cos she seems so painful.. but den still can laugh laugh laugh.. actually felt like i wld rather be e one whos painful cos she intially couldnt take it... and i prob got more endurance to pain(or isit maybe only.. hmm...)

today... its mentioned above... juz tt i dun noe what ive been doing since 8 when i came hm... gb like usual is sian... and i aint as gd as i was in e past... when i dc le den i stopped and came back here... low and iris pang seh me cant play o2 jam... nvm.. hope can play with al later...

u noe.. some ppl are starting to impress me.. haha... tt they are better than i thought and actually are quite sensitive too... =)

starting to get closer to jg and al... haha... managed to mix in with e 3 musketeers... feels great to be going out with frens tt u are close.. or at least getting closer with...

i wan cha tao pao... haha.. want to play o2 jam with him... :-p hes missing for a weekend.. :-(

tmr seems interesting... choir with other choirs.. den bbq.. woohoo.. 40 ppl comin.. but was quite sad e class ppl cant come... zz.. wonder whether tt bongee or wadever looks like hl... or have similar char.. ee.. i dun wan to noe another person whos... like tt... :-p

oh.. tis thought juz struck me.. i think tmr there will be a few ppl who might mei kai yan qiao.. and i hav a list of ppl(even girls too) who i wld expect to do so... something tells me... i better nt say who.. cos they'll whack me.. haha... :-p but ill noe tmr.. :-p

gonna try writing some chines thing e nxt time... oh and maybe some time soon i wanna write abt how i feel abt everyone in class.. my thoughts and all... hehe.. watch tis space... =)

oh.. !!! forgot to call rachel.. die die... and forgot abt qt again... ah.. i keep forgetting to have a real long chat with Him.. tis place.. IS WASTING TOO MUCH TIME!!! gotta limit my next week to 2 posts.. kk.. bb..

WOOHOO!! PROMOTED!! YEA YEA YEA!!!

IM PROMOTED!!! WOOHOO!!! YEA YEA YEA!!! by e skin of a teeth... but who cares... happy i still got chance.. but yeah happy it didnt happen.. yea yea.. so many ppl is happy for me too... shuting, iris and both yvonnes were rejoicing more than me lah...... =) =)
at least u asked..

yeah yeah.. ogl woohoo.. cheering mass dance.. although still dun like mj.... mj sucks... but whole class going so i dun care... yea choir for another 7 months... yea gonna be with 202 for another year!! JX!! woohoo... love ya 202!!! =)
u will never noe... cos u are blinded too like how i was... i wish u knew.. but u won't..
style="font-size:78%;">u noe i never knew Gibson likes to stick with me too... but now tt i think of it.. yeah... he can stick with me.. i actually wanted to share rm with kah wee for melaka trip.. haha.. den now becos gibson wan den kah wee nt arnd so share rm with gibson for melaka trip.. :-p srry kah wee who ask u to pon... haha..

hope itll dissapear soon.. cos ure nt "my type"... hope at least i hold a place in ur heart..
gonna try to slow down my blogging.. its too saddening here already... hehe... sad times shall go away... gotta forget some things here.. yup...

style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">

Kinda like these lyrics.. kinda love tis song tt i can listen to it over and over again.. sometimes it seems true.. but nah.. its nt going to be becos of u anymore.. prefer e modified lyrics rui wrote..

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

ee im so jealous of e many photos e class ppl took while im not arnd... i went with em lah but its like i didnt get to be in any photo except neoprint.. zz... haha.. but nvm... i dun realli like photos.. but i feel like i didnt like went out with em kinda feeling lah.. haha..

once i start blogging i dun feel like stopping lah... truly madly deeply(by savage garden) addictive... haha...

juz now somebody called my hse to do a survey... by some design council or something.. i thought some scam or prank but turns out it isnt... how they gt my hse no sia.. lolz... so dangerous.. ee i gt chi and pw to do.. no... dun wanna do.. sian.. zz.. i wan to jam.. lol.. zz..

i tink can forget abt stopping blogging... haha...

somethings i realli dun understand.. but i guess its better its left unanswered.. something always dun make sense but tts how it is...

lol.. rui called me a silly boy...

u noe whos e last person i thank.. lol Him.. i feel so dissappointed cos hes e one who granted me tis and i noe he gave me tis but i didnt remember to thank Him 1st.. so guilty...

time to go back to my old life... how i miss it... e one who lived in truth and sincerity.. e one who was always cheerful and never pretended to be one... e one constantly driven by His strength and presense.. its time.. everything is solved tis week... so happy.. la~lala~lala...

happier times shld be coming soon to a store near u.. haha... :-p

hehe.. its clear le..

finally cleared it up... gd frens again.. woah.. i really felt weird tis past term or 2... hehe.. finally its gd frens again... been hoping for tt day to come back...

im finally able to concentrate on... haha.. dun tell u...
iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou.. but its e end.. gdbye..

sian slp too much my clock upside down... inside out... lol../ al's post on me..

ee... i slept too much tis morn.. den when i came hm fell aslp again.. den my family all using com also... got loads of stuff need to do... at 3.15am woke up becos of discomfort... den i remember e loads of stuff i need to do.. sian... clock so upside down...zzzz.... im feeling very hungry... haha.. gotta grab something to it... ee.. i feel dirty too... haha...

sometimes thinking too much abt things is exhausting... :-p den fell aslp lor... hehe...

recently i juz realized there really wld be ppl u wouldnt expect to read blogs.. or at least mine... found out who squiggle is today.. hello... =) didnt noe actually ppl do... and ppl do care... :-) well.. i couldnt change e fact tt so many things is going to happen soon and so many.. no actually a few.. hav been on my mind tt i want to put an end too... resp.. ive been ignoring... duties ive been pushing aside... i realli feel like stopping life and enjoy it for now u noe... but obviously nt...

pick myself up...

ill try...(ya rite.. actually i dun feel like)

oh.. but realli.. theres still a few ppl tt i dun noe who posting on my blog.. lol.. nvm expected tag is like tt.. haha... will noe if they ever do post again... :-p oh.. toking abt anonymous ppl.. go read hl's tag.. so funny.. looks like she tio spam... or isit realli spam... haha... :-p i kena before but maybe nt tt bad... tts why i used to hate blogs...

so at 3.40... its time to get stuff done... zzzzzzz.... wait let me jam awhile... ahha...

den at 3.55 am.. juz read al's blog... hehe... al wrote a whole post abt me... tks ah al say like i confirm leave like tt... haha... like saying ur gdbyes to me... haha.. hey ill see u for another 2 months at least... so u can leave tt for later... but so touch to think al remembers me... :-p he re basically described how we met at his blog so go read al's blog.. it can be found under my "links" den "alvin's blog"... lol... tks al for saying all those nice things abt me... im srry if my blog made u depressed or sad too... haha.. everyone's telling me tt... but im juz expressing myself so im so srry if it made u sad too... though we may nt be best of frens like i thought we wld be initially when i knew u... we are still gd frens rite? haha.. hope u read tis too... :-p ok better stop blogging or reading ppls blog.. its 4.03 le.. siao siao...

READ WITH CAUTION!!!! my blog is depressing and may cause sadness in u... nt recommended for kids below e age of 12... haha... :-p


den read al's tag.. even jg is concerned... how amazed i was.. at times like these.. i shld nt let so many ppl be worried abt me... ok ill keep trying to pick myself up ok?
waiting for u to be concerned...

confused disillusioned disheartened..

can someone tell me not to be confused disheartened and disillusioned.. im feeling it now... some instinct of mine is telling me things even though ppl tell me otherwise... cos i think i can read thru wad ive been told... not listening to whats on e suface onli.. or maybe im thinking too much... reading too deep...

something tells me i dun feel like going yf today... so sian...

i hate gb.. today also abit no mood... never mind dun care try to remenescence the happiness i had yest...

lets see...

went to sch early in e morn yest... waited for miss satya to check our wr so virtually slacked e whole morn.. den arnd noon my pw grp came over to do pw like usual... den hl's grp came over to use my printer also... 1st time or prob its been a long time since 10 ppl is cramped up in my room... lol.. luckily recently my hse is quite neat... hehe.. so many pppl lah... lol... but actually most of em were playing since hl's grp came over.... a few of us played ps2... den alan and ronald played weiqi... i was playing ps2 initially den went back to rm to do pw and slack... wah lao.. do u noe e amt of ink we have used... and also e paper... all frm my printer.. i tell u... if my mum knew e amt of pages we printed.. she surely complain one... i think yest prob spent at least a quarter of my new ink.. lol... hl's grp e wr has 50++ pages lah... almost twice mine... zzz...

after tt... went sch to hand in pw... den slacked there till 6 plus... cos hl's cover is with eddie's grp... lol.. den some prob arose and some of us felt abit unhappy... noeing it also made me abit unhappy... but den.. slacking e whole day and chatting is always fun for me... :-p when we go for dinner... at 1st on e bus was both yvonne's.. huiling.. shuting... iris.. alvin.. jungang.. lea yee.. zhi qian... terence and me... den end up go eat only me and al... st iris jg and terence watched us.. e rest went hm... lol... den saw xiaoxuan.. never saw her in ages le... since she stopped going to sch.. when she announced sh'e leaving i also never saw her.. so e last time i saw her was llike july.... lol...

den came nite.. at 1st i was quite happy with e day... when reach hm.. played o2 with vin... den jg came later... lol.. al keep saying i damn gd... cos half e time i beat him... haha... sight reading.. lol.. den i get way alot of cool nowadays... den al was like sigh i started way earlier now i almost better le.. haha.. cos i truly enjoy playing o2.. playing music is my interest...

den comes gb.. had a misunderstanding with hl or something.. while playing gb i kept dcing or something... den she accidentally message to e wrng person... which is me instead of fred i think.. den frm what i read... i think she meant tt eh fred why u tell stupid nick to come or something like tt... which makes me think she didnt want me to be arnd lah... tts why i felt unhappy... den some more she said it behind my back and she accidentally told it to me u see.. dun noe whether its a misunderstanding.. dn they whole day start without me... told baka so many times even call him a few times he also didnt say... whack his head ah... but heck i realli dun like gb...

but she realli seem to forget e inci real fast..

lol.. something tells me.. shes only unhappy with 1 person.. and more than 1 reason why... lol..

nvm.. enuf for today... shld not let e day be unhappy again... gogo have fun.. sian gotta do pw... aargh.. speech.. aaargh.. my grp totally unprepared...zzzz..

Gunbound is bad for me...

i totally dislike gb now... i hardly feel realli unhappy.. but seemingly everytime i play gb ill feel unhappy... zzzz... dun lik dun like dun like.. hate feeling unhappy... a wonderful day is spoilt becos of tis... i love jamming(o2 jam lol...)... my new hobby... :-p


today.. i mean yest.. was kindof a great day.. best of e week.. i guess gb is nt considered yest.. haha... so... ill tok abt yest later today...(lol) now mood nt gd le.. everytime becos of gb.. if im nt wrong last time a few yrs back gb also made me unhappy.. dun noe why... quit gb.. lets jam... i go jam awile before i slp... haha...

hate gb hate gb.. make me unhappy.. grr... grr....

emo pic..

pretending again... pretending against my wish... pretending to be what i am nt...



u noe... as i see tis pic(credit to vonne frm her blog)... it realli feels very emotional... love u bro jx...

have faith bro.. im nt tt worried for u.. relax u wun retain.. trust...

shall nt cry till it realli ends...

while looking at cias video.. i realized.. i look hideous... and like a small kid...

stop dreaming..

:'(

juz took a look at e poly course tt i wanted to take.. den in e end.. i thought... am i sure i want tis... am i sure i want to go all e way to woodlands to sch... tis sucks...

my mum was trying to sell ou hse juz now.. some things she said made me unhappy... on e way she conceal things like why i want to move hse and stuff..

im way down again... crap.. why do i have to be so bothered abt when studying for promos.. wah lao eh...

its an excuse.. but..

i hate changes...

juz wanna be a lazy bum liao dun study dun go poly be an idiot stay at hm and rot...

tts what my father used to say of me...

be a lazy bum.. dun study stay at hm...

why do i? its nt looks its nt character... its juz u...

will never like someone cos of looks cos its skin deep...

today the class were playing some fortune telling game.. den they wld go like ya its so true its so true.. haha.. rite.. tts what u tink... trying again never gets e same results.. but they will go only 1st time is acc.. listening to it.. i noe its not acc.. whatever...

sian lah very tired go nap...

where it all started..

sob sob..

oh well.. what can i say... its 3f's.. nothing to be surprised abt.. nothin to be shocked abt... it doesnt take a genius to realize tt 3f equals to retain lor.. lets juz make it 4 anyway... juz lots of worrying and missing to do...

jx said some things tt realli made me feel like crying last nite.. like some after reading my blog tt he realized how much he'll miss me... and tt he almost cried... i was like wah lao.. u trying to make me cry too ah... im juz sooooooo going to miss him...dun tell me anymore i already noe u will ok...

its great to noe tt im loved... tt im missed... i love u all too...
will tok to u soon...
wei qiang also said some very touching words yest... like dun wrry i believe e class will be behind u in any decision u make... wah i tell u... he realli noe how to talk and make ppl feel concerned too... although there are ppl who say tt he is gd as a leader only in wrds... i dun care... hes one who will always be concerned every exam... every result... he is encouraging.. hes a great guy to me...

e girls are all avoiding toking to me abt it.. but well.. kinda understand why... juz happy tt wei qiang and jx are always concerned...

where to after tis? ill see how... but not now... im juz going to enjoy these moments with em...

im quite sure i dun wanna stay... i knew all along jc dun suit me.. but i was stupid enuf to make tt decision.. oh well.. no regrets.. tis year is a dream... its a great memory... e frens made are great... will never regret noeing u alll... its a worth waste of a year.. realli...


so.. gonna check out courses before they get back den can play gb or o2 jam.. woohoo...

1 down.. 3 more to go...

maths=F
gp=c

1 down.. 3 to go... i shall nt defend myself for how did i get this result.. but all i can say is maths i thought i had e highest chance of passing.. so... gg.. its 1 paper a day.. slowly suffer... gp pass no use if all f.. think got chance all f.. die le..

tt hl i wan to whack her head ah.. still say what gp can fail one very hard to say what fail tj practice paper... den come out some 33... i want to whack her head can... den jx scared me cos he didnt wan to tell me his compo results but actually he gt 33half.. another one i wanna whack u noe... ppl like them is what make somebody which i better not mention even more sad.. but i feel for him... his english is always gd... but... hope he's alrite... think he can promote bah... no worries bro...

oh well.. surprised to hear boon wei say she cant do well either.. haha.. hope she'll promote bah.. but me.. dunno.. i feel like running away frm jc...

doubt she do read these anymore.. but oh well.. she doesnt realli care anymore so.. heck lah...

cooped up in my own world of sin...

haiz.. things never go e way we want it.. but its ok.. i shld hav expected it le... God said so anyway..

hope e "haze" will clear up... haha... :-p
is she waiting for me or isit e other way arnd... u arent telling me anything anymore...

tmr is where everything might reveal or start... /a wedding reflections

tmr is when i start to get back my results.. haha.. im very afraid and dun want it to come.. but i guess God wants me to move on and nt stop and live in this time of uncertainty.. juz hope nothin bad happens and i dun breakdown or something like tt... haha.. adrian and keewen were telling me "dun kill urself".. haha... im worried.. but its nt end of e world lor.. i wld miss em all like crazy.. but no lah wun do anything stupid.. God will make a way... if i kill myself i noe it has big implications and might even affect my salvation so no way.. haha...

try to make tis quick.. i wanna give rui a call...

erm tok to jean yest.. quite surprised she actually told me some stuff although i might noe some stuff and abit abt what happenned... its nice to hear someone tell u their secrets.. its gd and happy to hear tt she noes how to make better decisions... happy for her cause someone like her hav aplenty of choice and its gd she cld learn how to choose.. =)


sortof pei cheryl today after comm meeting and all while she waits for her sis.. haha.. chatted again.. although i didnt like e topics cos shes so erm study and dance only.. or nt books haha.. all not my topics.. but its still great to chat.. =)

oh.. i wana realli put an end to it.. make sure theres no misunderstanding and all.. its bothering me to e point tt i whole day only think abt it.. haiz.. only 1 thought fills my mind which is so bad lah..

oh.. ill do my reflections after attending a wedding either later ot tmr.. got quite a few thoughts wanna write down.. ^^

nvm ill do it now cos ruis taking a bath.. hmm.. lets see..

oh crap i dun remember.. grr.. lets see what i can remember..

a relationship shld be started only if u might wanna get married with e person...

aarrggh.. what else...

actually i juz hantam lah...

its hard to love someone wholeheartedly... if there are certain barriers to it.. like different beliefs.. like i often think.. what happens when we argue.. what is going to stop us frm argueing if we dun hav e same beliefs.. how do we put a stop to it.. i dun believe feelings guide everything.. love is nt purelt abt feelings.. a classic eg is like when i watched a serial one of e actors immediatelly liked someone else cos no more "feel"... tts dum.. cos if u really like someone its nt only abt feelings.. there something else to it too.. its nt passion.. its commitment.. like e wedding vows go.. thru sickness, poor, disabilities.. its a commitment tt u wanna stick with someone thru life and death... and even thru eternity.. all tis cld nt happen if u cannot spend eternity with someone.. cos they might nt live in eternity with u in e same place.. how to be like we are 1 if even these things we cant be e same.. hard..

but i kinda like e part.. tt e wedding couple are very diff.. but yet they complement each other.. i wld be real close with all e high i's i noe.. but my trend is .. dunno why high d or c seem to be e death of me... haha... it feels weird.. but well.. i guess its call complementing one another.. what i lack.. e other has.. and vice versa...

i really want to end tis..

hey.. gtg le rui's done.. till another time...

haha.. and i have to ren... until...

question marks everywhere...

maybe im juz being an idiot...

idiot.. such a casual yet strong word to use which made my mother really unhappy abt me when i said tt of her... shall never use tis word again.. not even to my frens which i casually do... deemed as vulgar(by me)...

u noe how a fine line isit btw sian and siao.. a moment i was sian till depressing.. den a moment later i was siao ding dong... lolz... but actually i juz tried to and i became so but inwardly it is still pricking...

can someone pls tell me whats going on???(question mark no 1)

today open hse was a waste of time... i constantly cld nt find jx today.. so generally stuck with vonne low whenver i was free or sian.. hehe.. cos shes always there at e bowling booth doing nothin so cld always go there... haha.. like safe hse like tt... haha.. dunno why.. it juz feels comfortable being arnd vonne... now tt i tink of it... shes a fren who makes ppl feel comfortable being arnd her.. hehe.. den sometimes stuck with e girls cos e guys like jx always dissappear.. jungang and al always together and i juz dun feel comfortable.. i tink other den jx shes a fren i wld find e most comfortable being arnd although we dun really share much personal stuff..

u noe.. i really wld like to do e mass dances.. but i dun remember plus no guys to go and "feng" with feels weird.. e girls want to dance they go lor.. at tt kind of situation maybe being arnd al or even jx might be gd to help make me wanna go and dance.. regret nt remembering e dances.. sian cant find non of e frens to stick with feels very weird.. always feel aimless... tts why i say e bowling booth is safe hse.. lol...

feel weird in choir cos e only fren im very comfortable with is kah wee and hl but hl is a girl and kw keeps diassapearing to his frens.... e rest is abit dunno dun feel so close.. so cant find ppl to stick too..

u noe subconsciously.. me and jx are forming our own click... i juz realised tt jx is another rui.. we juz tink along e same wavelength tt we can easily understand what each other is saying without completing our sentences until other ppl dun understand but i was like huh why dun understand.. haha... we were daying how we can be affected.. no I.. bout e feelings of ppl arnd... haha.. we can easily noe how ppl is feeling which affects us alot.. e prob with me is also i dun watch what i say very well... so it ends up hurting me more...but i noe basic stuff.. how to differentiate frm a high ppl to high task... Generally(tis is a general statement i realized) for eg, when task ppl want things done.. they'll use i want u all to tis tis tis... which i find not very nice.. e high D trait... it shld be i think u all shldnt blah blah blah.. tts more like it.. haha.. jx could immediately give me an answer for my next question.. on what kinda response i prefer as a ppl person when complaining.. e key is a positive response.. u noe toking to hl feels like in e past talking to yong jie and telling him some stuff.. he wld go like oh i see.. kinda thing.. but haha ppl like me juz want a positive response.. so it feels like im wasting time toking to these ppl..

oh jx was telling me tt he learned something which i am struggling with is tt i cannot come to terms with ppl being direct or giving me task ppls responses.. i juz find it a struggle cos it easily makes me feel like ee and pek chek which he learned tt we have to take it on our stride and ignore it.. which i cant.. oh well.. gotta learn tis.. tts why i easily got irritated by some of these kinda frens.. gotta learn to handle tis... tts why he is a high csi rather than a high i or s...

really felt weird today...

me and jx so happen were saying tt abt hl, maybe subconsciously.. feel uncomfortable being at our table and wanna move away to freds table juz now at macs.. haha.. its juz our observations.. which brings me to my next pt.. me and jx are too prone to conclusions.. which is a bad thing...
we were saying we both are tooo... often making 1st impressions and all... but well.. tts why were so close.. cos we think along e same line..


i keep forgetting... but maybe also becos i wanna forget.. or wait.. is it e other way arnd.. where i couldnt let go when i shld.. eh what am i toking..

dun wan next week to come... dun wan..

shld i become ogl? could i even in e 1st place? shld i try? wld love to but...


e diff btw a task ppls blog and a ppl erson;s bog.. e for mer writes what happenned.. e latter writes thoughts of e day... tts for my observatins..


wah lao blog like siao again.. hehe.. i think i no privacy liao almost all my thoughts are here.. haha..

oo.. time to start toking abt God again..
:-P

but.. nxt week might be to tell me tt it all ends here.. and i gotta leave all of em.. and jx...

stop bothering me abt these things mind.. grr.. feeling down like nobodies business..

Another day closer to results../ loss of appetite

its tt time of e day again.. and i mean im feeling down.. not anything else.. haha.. rui and tricia was telling me how wrong tis sounds e last time i wrote tis but i cant find a better use of words.. haha... probably my thoughts are kinda extreme now but ya... easily became kinda sad becos of small things.. blame fatigue... lol.. always arnd tis 5-8 esp when im tired.. warning to all my frens to keep watch of me over tis time...

my relatioship with my mum became so bad tt she totally did not buy me dinner yes cos she told me she wouldnt when she is angry and she really did.. today got dinner cos i bought dinner for them.. dead hungry but dun feel like eating...

nowadays always no appetite.. u noe what.. NEVER im my(short legged) life (haha) have i lost my appetite over a period of time.. N.E.V.E.R.!!! dun noe why.. i noe my intake would cut down since ive not been exercising.. but tis is to e point tt hungry but dun feel like eating.. my stomach has been real bad i guess..often having stomach upset, pain in stomach(like today during choir) and lost of appetite.. i always look forward to meal times u noe.. but now i dont feel like eating.. weird...

u noe i noe tt now im down tts why i think like tt.. but i kinda feel e past year is like fake and ive been pretending or something.. ive been always real close to guys and guys only... but tis year... makes me feel like a girl... haha... mood swings and stuff... disgusting i wld say.. but ya... tis is what ive become...


u noe i cant help but realize how true e former jasmine(former referring she left overseas.. haha) said abt me... we noe how weird she can get and stuff.. but i guess i noe and some ppl noe tt how accurate she can be in these things.. she used to boast to me tt she understands how a guy behaves.. and is always spot on in these things..(btw jasmine is prob almost 30 by now.. haha..) i juz cant believe how true e things she said.. last time i said ya i guesse i might be so.. but now it seems so true tt i cant believe it myself... abt me unable to let things go or forget things... oh well...

nothin ever made sense...
i dont like task ppl and how insensitive they are... but yet... and all these close frens are so...

i prob noe why tis things happenned but i juz cant believe how it threw away all logic in me..

crap need to slp to drown these lethargic and sorrow feelings... tts where it started anyway.. gd nite.. im taking a nap and do pw only later at nite lah..

oh btw.. today was quite a fun day actually.. inter hse and all.. although more tiring than fun it seems i felt today was... im super unfit now.. gotta go workout more... if i can find e time to lah tis week... nxt week is like.. haha.. dun think i will...


after 2 and a half hrs of slp.. i feel like vomiting.. although i fully finished(almost) my dinner.. i feel like vomiting...

u noe.. today zhang quan was saying hey do u wanna get gold wiith honours anot.. i only heard a few enthu voices.. i was like yes.. but i juz hav tis non-commital feeling.. cos i dun noe whether ill be arnd to give it a go.. yup..

u noe i can imagine e scenario of us getting back our papers... moz of them wld be complaining.. never do well enuf... yada yada.. den me.. quietly at e side getting back my paper... afraid to tell anyone abtr my results.. even afraid to take a look at it... i realli juz hope nobody(including me) wld breakdown.. i wonder if anyone did imagine... e looks on ppls faces.. i do.. i could imagine every single of em in class... after a bad paper... a not so bad paper.. i could not imagine whether anyone would break down... but i could imagine who wld...

u noe.. recently im afraid to even look at my teachers in e eye.. i think they kinda give me tt kinda feeling even if i do... e feeling tt i failed.. i noe it.. today Gohel is an eg.. haiz... whenever ppl see teachers talk abt results talk abt papers.. i dun wanna be there... haiz... i kinda am numb to teachers consolation tt all of us wld promote.. i noe my situation... i guess.. no wait.. i noe everything is now up to e Father...

off to pw... ee dun like..

maybe i'll never noe... unless i talked abt it...

maybe e fren is not lost... but oh well..

counting down e days left... gotta distract myself... haha... enjoy to fullest for e nxt week.. den we'll see how... pw is wasting my time... lol... cannot enjoy tis time...

im juz a little afraid to leave these frens... only a little(rite.) tts what im afraid.. we'll see..

THIS IS e lowest point in my life

tis is it... juz argued with my mum again.. there goes my hp and my inter again... crap my whole life is messed up... juz becos of one misunderstanding tt i made... there goes a fren thrown outta e window... sch now i feel like im dieing to leave... even promotion is going to be a real hard time... im juz going to die..

tis is my lowest point...

my mind is messed up.. its a mask behind e smile... i hate it... i never knew such extreme emotions... i never was tis down...

there is nothin holding me back at tis place anymore...

i want to run away frm all tis already...

like anyone cared..

oh its 7.40 and i gotta reach sch at 8... crazy..

i think its all my imagination.. i juz realised...

i think its all my imagination... i juz realised how dum i was believing my imagination... how stupid i am.. and only now i realize... ok.. den everything wld be better... i guess.. stupid stupid stupid believe my imagination... wah lao eh.. now its so hard to forget.. at least i finally realized it.. stupid stupid... now everything makes sense... everything seems to be piecing together nicely and now i realized it.. stupid... time to forget and move on.. its gd den.. i dun have to struggle with it anymore..

will miss y'all/ getting pissed a 2nd time..

lol... u noe what... i very rarely got pissed with my frens... realli... i enjoy them quite abit... well to e extent i love all of em(well i love everyone...:-p) but i got pissed again.. while playing o2 jam... e game tt was so "fun"... i didnt wanna post e other things i wanna say.. but tis i gotta say now cos i feel it... i mean.. while playing e game.. they all wanna strip... i was abit like dun like also.. den tt baka also.. girl some more... what i tell u... prob tts why i gt pissed... den some of her comments were less than pleasant... but oh well... why do i care?

well... u can call me super act righteous.. but i dun care... it juz turns me off.. i remember tt time go aus my fren in e room ask e junior to turn to porn channel cos tt rm can watch... i immediately said do tt den i iwll pump u... very bad cos its anger... my thoughts aren't realli tt clean... but well...

hate some of my actions..

hate getting angry... its so bad... anger is a realli bad emotion i dun wish to have... i almost wanted to scold vulgar and all e stuff which i dun remember when was e last time in came outta my keyboard or my mouth... but well... why do i gert pissed over such small things... tts what happens when u feel very close to certain frens... den they do something u realli dun like... e last time before tis was also with class.. den before tt...
probably ages ago... like frm vs frens who do all sorts of crazy things... fun got a limit u noe..

what i tell u abt my emotions getting to my head.. i juz can so tell u what i do when i oftenly get angry at home... its not right.. hate anger.. grr...

oh well.. dun care le.. dun think I might see them for long anyway... as much as i wld love to... i dun think so... and i dun wanna see em when i in another class.. very painful... haha.. im breaking to tears le.. 1st time simce promos... i thought i wun be down but oh well..

i miss tt "someone" who used to care for me and notice when i am down... now juz seems like dun care le... oh well... too bad it dun seem e same anymore...

i wish..
they wld learn why i do certain things... and hope they will know God... cos its... its nt abt commitment or waste time or whatever excuses... its THE life... learning how to handle all things e best way(God's way)... be it marriages... friendships... money.. everything...
God is not a dictator to me.. hes my father.. my fren my best buddy...

i remember abt my gp exam whic e passage was on forgiveness... haha... andrew was telling me its so wrong too... haha...

i wish ull turn to Him too...

something tells me... im wrong all tis while... abt u... am i? oh well..

it seems like i thought too much frm e start..

i wanna let u noe abt certian things... but it dun seems like i need to anymore..

cos...
...
...

love 202 i am.. will use every bit of my strngth juz to spend more time with u all... and hopefully stay.. or nt.. never forget me.. im part of 202 too...

u noe i used to think im quite forgotten cos no one really cared whether im arnd... tt changed since jodi and church.... and hopefully not u all too..

love u all.. ill miss jx.. dun think can find anther who ill be so close to... and den theres e choir ppl leh.. kah wee.. a great fren too.. hope e choir dun blame another one who is leaving.. they bad enuf le.. actually i look forward to making all e basses and e choir better... and myself too... but well.. nvm can ask fredrick lol... later zhu en also leave.. haiya pray for tt lost bro... but fredrick can take over also..

nah..

hope e prayer meeting dun die after i leave.. but i see a successor in kevin... will pray for ya...

crap my emotions are wild... what i tell u.. actually ive almost said all i wanted to le..

recently got some money frm tuitiona nd savings and stuff.. for ppls birthday ill use it.. maybe even juz so tt they'll never forget me.. haha.. maybe ill buy something for eveyone for christmas.. tts gonna cost abit but well..

will miss ya too..

(tearing away.. hey i gtg go do tea for 2.. woah its 1.30.. ciao..)

relax im ok... juz suddenly thought too much... im cool.. :-p

lol e 3 musketeers still playing o2 jam.. what i tell u.. haiz.. they're prob having more fun without me cos i dun hav so many songs.. waste their time rite... leaving seems like a gd decision... im abit jealous but... have fun ppl... realli..

Got alot of things to say

Got alot of things i wanna say.. but now no mood to do so.. quite late.. haha.. but i wanna say lots..

Something tells me...

srry rui... want to blog to destress.. broke e 50 duck... :-p tt was fast.. didnt noe i post so much.. :-p

today exam was like so cold.. i almost freeze can.. was trembling like siao... forget to bring jacket.. sian... before i slept juz now could feel still feel e numbness...

next 2 days is e deciding factor i guess.. make tt these 3 days.. its make or break.. i think it might be possible.. although i have not been studying as much as i want to.. juz try..

u noe orh.. today i took a bus to change at another bus stop... but den missed it.. e other bus i could took also missed becos i wasnt looking and e bus went past.. lol... but den.. becos i missed e bus.. i saw josephine frm vj band on e bus... janice was there too..(i only realized her name when she happened to be frm tricias class and i happenned to be there when they were studying together..) i dun realli noe them but... its gd to see "old frens" saw adam frm vs on e earlier bus i took... den i thought... i dun realli miss e vj band ppl... :-p

oh.. den i saw tis person wearing a myuk bag while i board e bus.. it says "Do i look like a freaking people's person?" den i was like haha... i will never buy tt bag.. hahaha...

tok abt coincidences... nah.. all planned by God... :-p wont see these if i dont miss e bus... haha...

something tells me...
tt me and my classmates might not keep in contact.. whenever i leave... doubt we are tt close frens.. tts what happen when u have no click.. everyones ur click... and no ones in ur click.. :-p sometimes i dunno whether e other way round is better...

something tells me...
im starting to think i shldnt say anything cos it dun seems like im rite..

something tells me..
i think i might be wrong..

something tells me..
my deadly period is arnd noon i will feel sleepy.. and arnd evening where i will feel down... its always arnd 6-8 pm like tt.. where i feel like talking to or see someone other than my family..

something tells me..
i noe why i dun gain ppls trust and my listening ear has been quite shut.. cos i dun gain it.. i dont have a click.. someone realli close to.. and im not someone u wld feel like telling xin shi to.. cos u dun think i cld give gd advice or whadever... and i look like a joker..

something tells me..
i have been thinking too much.. everytime resting will think.. cant stop thinking what will happen if i dun promote.. think think think dun noe for what..

something tells me..
i am anyhow using tis something tells me.. haha.. kk enuf le.. till nxt time..