My thinking is gd.. but my emotions is dangerous... tts for me.. but oh well.. harbouring hopes.. but nah... e weather is still so cold out there... maybe its not e weather.. :-p

but i hate cold weather.. cant study.. limbs become very cold.. :-p

u noe ah.. why do i feel like i tok to ppl alot ppl dun initiate tok to me.. hmm..
hmm..

maybe i juz got too much to say... or maybe ppl dun feel like telling me things.. hehe.. everytime muz find ppl to tok to.. not e other way arnd.. :-p but oh well.. why do i care..

wah lao alvin never reply me.. den all dun care me.. dun care study in church with tricia tml.. hopefully it helps... :-p

oh tks rui.. cya on sun... :-p

my head still... aarrghh... headache..

something tells me... i dont like high d/s.. they not sensitive one... not like i very sensitive... but.. they give me tt kinda feeling... erm how i say... like they bu hui zuo ren like tt... whatever lah...

frm what i observe e past week... theres 3 mistakes i made when i studied...
1)study alone
2)study at home
3)study too much yet unproductive

why isaid these... cos i really study until sian cannot study le... no matter how i try to psycho myself... if i study alone.. cannot stay put... or mind will wander off.. if got someone mugging hard in front of me might help.. or at least i wont anyhow move around... juz toking to someone abit juz make me feel tt much better... i everytime study wld be like hoping got someone in front of me... lol...

i study at home until sick of home le... seroiusly.. dun feel like studying le.. or maybe cos now got headache... i everynite got dream nvm noe... i last nite keep getting dream until i tired.. even if i fall asleep for a wink ah... still got dream... no matter where i go... i wake up slp on coach.. once fell asleep got dream.. even juz a wink u noe... even half asleep state i juz start to have dream... wah lao eh... u noe e feeling when u slp finish den very tired.. den e more winks u slp e more u feel tired... wah lao eh.. so pain and tiring lah..

but got a weird dream i saw some of e classmates.. notable ones i can remember are both yvonnes and lixian.. maybe cos i mis e class too much.. >.< and u noe ah... i dun noe why ah... why did ng did something... which i was like diao... why she do tt for... stupid dreams... den i can dream abt receiving an sms which i was expecting a reply... so stupid rite... tell tt to my brain...
realli dream abt anithing... i think last nite got 10 dreams? break record lah...

oh oh... i was wondering.. why tricia isnt a high I? lol... but e way she blog damn cool... short and interesting... arts ppl... u noe i was thinking .. arts ppl are weird and unpedictable.. science ppl are boring and predictable.. but wait... tts cos im a science person.. lol..

u noe.. actually i enjoy e process of blogging... its e preprocess tts cool.. i will always will like have mental rehersal.. ill think of what i wanna say earlier like say during e day... but i enjoy tt... lol.. crazy always think so much nonsense... always think so much... tts why now study cant concentrate at all.. my head is juz pain and i juz dun feel like doing anithing...

u noe or... i think i actually like blogging cos im like writting down what i think.. cos im toking to myself.. lol.. siao rite.. but i hate typing.. i would love it if got some device can read my=ind den type out... bt den again... ull be like.. eh i dun wan to say tt... den try to cancel.. den all these is tped out also... den u try to delete tt... den another part saying e same thing.. lolz... too hard to control... :-p

my heart is bleeding.. bleeding with pain and loneliness and fear... My chances of promotion.. now still zero.. i wanna talk.. no one replied.. all busy mugging.. oh well.. i guess its gdbye... realli... cant see how by my current standards can promote.. my nites are all hampered by fear and agony and non stop dreams.. iwant to chiong.. but body dont allow me to.. or maybe its juz tt im too weak.. i noe im holding on to promotion too strongly its wrong.. but can u imagine if i dont promote.. u noe how serious tt is!! i cant imagine.. if i dont.. where is it den? poly?

idun wan...
i realli dun wan...

i noe i shld nt be afraid.. cos its harder and i lost half e battle.. but i cant... not seeing others and toking removes e poss of me releasing stress..

but ignore me im releasing stress.. its nt tt bad.. its juz now tt it is bad...

hopefully...

down now for no reason.. maybe one... fatigue..

i'm high now... 5h ago i was filled with fear..

haha... dun noe why so high now... comments by rui were nice.. den read huilings tag and also wanted to disturb her for putting a dum view count thingy den i tried pressing refresh and it realli works... e view count increased... :-D haha... i didnt noe it realli worked cos i meant it as a joke den it did.. haha... den now i siao cos i feel high... my face cant stop putting a wide smile looking at tt small screen in front of me tt i feel crazy... why? cos i find it funny? or its juz my crazy high low character again... nvm its always great to feel high...
stop smiling already...
den again... why stop...

a few hrs ago... asked yuan for help with chem... den he made me realize tt i cannot dun promote.. and e fear becomes great tt i finally feel e urgency... dun noe whether it will last... hope it is cos i now noe how hard is it or me to promote...

stop smiling already... wah lao... u noe if i dun try to stop it i really can smile in front of this screen forever... haha... it juz doesnt stop if i dun instill another emotion to my brain... haha... stop it lah...

cannot watch bleach le... at 49 and tts it...

wah i got somethings i wanna say but this stupid smile is affecting my thoughts... dun care... i juz thought of it but nvm write nxt time... juz go and enjoy my smiling and study with it... haha...

till tml... im going to enjoy my non-stop smiling... haha...

i'm crazy...

is my cheerful self back... HmHm... haha... lol...

blogging.. my escapade frm studying../ i wanna talk to ppl...

u noe blogging has become my escapade frm studying... whenever i feel sian or what juz blog out as a form or stress relief... haha...

couldnt sleep well last nite... couldnt wake up either... try to wake up and end up sleeping arnd e hse... haha... had all kinda weird dreams... eeee...

mon wasted... pray and hope today wont... theres goes 1 topic for today... now already 11...

oh and i dont like my blog skin for removing e caps frm e header of my blog... quite dum actually...

u noe... i really wish to talk to someone now... anytime during e day... while i am studying i have tis hidden hope... tt someone or anyone wld call and chat... :-p i dun noe who to call and what to say anyway... life is juz like trying to study e whole day.. den dunno whether they willing to talk anot... so weird if i call someone den they actually dun wanna talk rite... so i wld rather say tis... CALL ME!!!(or u wan msn also can but i dun realli like but also can... :-p) if u gt extra phone bill.. haha.. or at e most ask me to call u.. i wld be more than happy to... =) juz chatting a shrt 15min to half an h... is a gd destressing way... and how i wld love it in time like these... when studying is so... task... haha... :-p haha.. so ya.. if u feel shy or feel weird telling me to call u and least drop me a msg or msn and say u dun mind me calling.. den yay i at least noe who to call when i want to... :-p

oh i noe who wld say yes... haha.. its juz tt hes quite tired and busy these days? rite rui? haha... nvm if u cant can always talk on weekends anyway...

realli hope to at least talk to 1 person a day... tts quite nice... a little more than tt can be excessive but nah how many wld say yes in e 1st place? let me see.. rui... rui... rui and rui... hmm.. oh theres still joel and rui liang... haha.. how many is tt... let me guess...

haha.. wait a min... how many read my blog in e 1st place... muz send out mass sms or put on msn nick.. haha...

maybe nt e mass sms part... haha...

hoping to hear frm ya(or hear ya)... :-p

p.s.(tts why i dun like being at home all e time... :-p now u noe my secret... haha... and i never said tis before... =) and i noe where i gt it frm...(looks to mum who called someone up to talk and DEstress juz now)...

and its off to studying i go...

sian.. havent studid e whole nite...

havent study since 5... aarrggh... distracted by sg idol... try to slp to rest also cannot.. started thinking too much den cannot slp also... lol... go and try to study now...

correction... i realli couldnt study e whole nite... go slp and tom wake up and try harder.. now juz very hard... trust trust...

differentiation...die waste all my time..

ee... i like doing maths... last few days keep doing maths... but yuck.. super waste time... i spent like some 5hrs on differentiation today and still cant finish... not forgetting e past 2 days also doing diff.. sian.. dun care le.. finish e last bit and move on... gotta chiong memorizing chem tonite... make sure understand...

woah... it all juz seems so dreadful i dun feel like studying again.. sian... haiz... everything seems impossible... somethings juz seems impossible to change... e thought of it is like... not possible it will change... oh well...

gotta lift my spirits... sleep awhile den go back to studying.. promotion... it still seems far...

maybe blog is detrimental cos i keeping thinking -vely.. now to think positively... i have to...

I must stop having pity-parties.../ Today's verse..

U noe.. todae's message in church as well as an article for qt i read one of e days last week talked abt pity party.. den.. reading e article... i didnt realize tt i was having a pity-party(a cooler way of saying self-pity..).. i didnt realize until Rev James mentioned it again today tt struck me... tt i am down and backsliding recently becos i am having a pity-party for myself... i kept thinking how down i am and how much prob i have tt i ignore alot of other stuff(tts self pity)... rite... time to leave tis pity-party and bring back e cheerful nicholas i noe... haha...

still havent really pia today.. nvm expected le... tom is full blast...

ohoh... i juz read tis article on Heartlight's Today's verse(found at e right hand corner of my blog)... and guess what... it so applies to me now... and i juz sang it is well with my soul in church today... coincidence.. i doubt so... :-D

VERSE:
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great
recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye
have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.
-- Hebrews 10:35-36

THOUGHT:
There are some tough times that go with living. They're
inescapable. That's when our confidence in the Lord's salvation and
our relationship with him get tested! It is one thing to sing "it
is well with my soul" at the end of a peel-the-paint and
raise-the-roof worship service, but it is quite another to be able
to sing it when they auction your house off at the courthouse
steps, you are told you have a long-term debilitating illness, or
you lose a child to death. Faith can't take a holiday when we
travel through the suburbs of hell or we'll never find our way out.
So don't throw it away. Persevere! Keep putting one foot in front
of the other trusting that God will give you the strength for the
next step. No matter how hard it is at the moment, don’t give up to
despair. Be like Job or Jeremiah who both argued and complained to
God, but never let go of God. Don't quit. Christ is coming for you
with grace and in glory. His return is just around the bend and
could break into our world at any time.

oh look... how little time i haf.../ prone to conclusions.../ Thy will be done...

Now i juz noticed... how little colours blogger has... everytime like use abt e same colour one... so sian... haha..

oh... i noe i shldnt be spending time blogging... or blogging abt no time... but i calculated tt i have 2 hr per topic for e 3 h2 sub... aarrgghh.. and tts if i study 11 hrs a day... siao ah... judging frm how much i study today and how tired i was... trusting God becomes so much easier.. :-p

Oh... i was reminded today by rui tt high I's easily jump to conclusions.. yeah.. its so true for alot of things.. like i assume alot of things... haha.. first impression is one... haha.. so muz be careful tt somethings might not be true as what i presume it was... haha... oh well... Thy will be done Father... =) tts what i was reminded today again... learned alot today frm yf by ah gong(:-p)... reminded aplenty also...

my solution is greatly flawed... so... see how lor...

u noe some times i wld love being a high D or C cause they dun experience feeling down or "low" tt much which is very irritating and troublesome.... but oh well.. den i thought... nia... being a high I and S still seem very better for me... :-p

gotta stop blogging so much... gotta juz pia... bleach too... now at 44.. going to stop at 49 until end of promos... :-p

oh oh.. gotta watch my mouth.. been very bad... made my mum sad too... sian... cos i argue with her abt not letting me and my sis to go yf camp... and tt itself is a prob... oh o.... till nxt time...

Bingo?

thought of a solution tis morning... which i was like... :-) but oh well... after promos...

woah... today sian play basketball so lousy den somemore now got headache... ouch... den never go physics test(optional) also... think Gohel pissed with me also... later nxt week i need consultation he dun wan give den die... haha.. no lah dun think he tt bad... ^^

i juz miss...
e crazy cheerful self i was... hope it comes back after promos... =)

lets see whats after promos..
-ive..
pw..
a lvl chinese(!!! sian...)

+ve..
much less stress...
more time to relax...
melaka trip..
Youth camp..
Singing christmas songs for church choir.. ^^
and christmas.. wow time flies... seems like i juz finshed o lvl yest.. :-P

not going to see e class for a week..(oh look... hitsugaya is studying with me for e nxt week... :-p) will miss them... but gotta hide in a mountain and mug 24/7 if i am going to harbour any hopes of promoting... i juz cant imagine if i dont... e world will be like tumbling down... but oh well... trust in e Lord... =)

I take back my word...

juz happen to speak with bro andrew(frm yfc) juz now on e phone... he help me realign myself to go back to my old stand... thus.. i take back my word... no matter how painful it is... sigh... if only... u are like me...

back to e past... last fri...

had fun last fri... yf on sat was gd.. sun was gd too.. =)

Yvonne Ng at Yoshi on Fri..

Byakuya at yoshinoya... =)

E guys outside an anime collector's shop at century.. haha.. dont have second photo cos kena scolded le.. :-p

standing arnd and toking outside s & k... stayed there for more than an1hr juz toking... was great fun.. =)

a candid shot of bro maotian in class... looks real ancient... haha...

shu ting took photo of her pencil box and her teddy bear and zq's hitsugaya...

im very very bothered...

yay... finally can blog my heart out... im so happy lah... aidross lend me internet den can do wr also... =) but den... on a more serious note... i wanted to blog so much becos im down....

hmm... lets see where to start... first... im very very bothered.. my mind is always so occupied... tues nite.. kept thinking abt tt... slp.. wake up... den think of it again... den slp again... den wake up again...
i feel stupid...
cos i cant get it off my mind...
i cant help but notice...
tt u seem to avoid me or treat me somewhat coldly..
or is it me who is doing so?
i wld always wonder..
and i wld be always bothered..
u dun seem to be bothered actually..
but..
it seems tt u are...
im so afraid i have mistaken...
whether what i think is true..
yet im so afraid its true..
cos i told u before...
i cant unless u are what i am...
...
...
or am i mistaken?

i thought abt it for some time last nite... i will talk after promos... i have to do something abt it... or nt tis might go on forever... its very painful... cos its like affecting my studies too much tt i cant study... these are signs of a retainee... which i cannot afford to be... until den.. i promise myself i wun think abt it anymore...

God..
u noe e situation which no one noes exactly... i pray for wisdom to handle tis... u noe how much tis affects me... u noe i dun want it to be like tt... u noe what i realli want... but yet i cant control it... U noe how much tis affected me... including my walk Father... u noe i almost cant take it anymore... but Father... juz pray tt my decision wld be one tt wld be pleasing to u Father.. and i will always remember and am always sure... u will always be no1 in my life...
Amen.

Clearing things up...

my brain realli siao one now ok le... haiya juz e pressure.. cant wait for pe tom... haven played for years le... haha... almost 2 weeks lah.. so long sia... hahaha... ^^

spoke to rui on mon.. tks for listening me out bro... ^^

juz to clear things up... i didnt go church last sun cos i slept at 10 den woke up at 2.30... couldnt sleep initially so never slept till 6 so didnt wan to go church... why i couldnt sleep and why i stayed up is another matter... but ya... srry ppl didnt turn up to help e service choir... dun wrry dun wanna let tt happen again... it juz feel so weird when i never go church on sun... felt like e week is not complete without it and maybe even a part of me is missing so... never again... ^^ me not going church is not realli caused by any problems i have now so... tks for some of ur concerns... ^^

hmm.. gotta try not to watch bleach everyday le... mum is realli nt happy.. :-p

breaking free i thought i had.. Everything bothers me it is...

U noe what… I realli can go crazy these days…everday my mums like yelling at us arnd e hse... scolding me also... reprimanding me for all tt i do... frm soccer to bleach... it always ended up me and her having heated arguments... juz hate those words which she used on me during e argument... she pokes at me like a needle disturbing a balloon.. ready to burst at any time... my minds been playing tricks on me too much... i get bothered by e many actions e ppl arnd me make... i get very bothered tt i am being what i am now... being very hyper at whatever i do... being so playful and so like dun care when actually everything bothers me... maybe not studies which is what my class always do but... its actions which bother me...(well studies are a part of actions) tis thought always comes to my mind head once i did something which i felt wasnt comfortable... What i did, was it rite? these thoughts can kill me... i feel abit hypocritical now... what i always strongly believe in is being thrown back at me... e mistakes which i believed i would never make barged thru my life and mocked me... i feel real superficial... everything now is like superficial... when will it all go away...when will i learn...

u noe today sathya said something tt realli bothered me too... i guess i will bid tis class gdbye... noeing tt my results are way further than what e class is... e task seems daunting to me... i was never smart... nor hardworking... to be able to remain in tis class will be like bro jx said... by God's grace... although he meant it positively... i juz dun see anything positive rite now... why do i have to come to a class like tt? den realize i wld never want to leave it? well maybe tis class may nt be perfect... but its these bonds tt still tie me down to tis sch... maybe now its nt a ques whether i could promote anot... its whether i could stay here... in tis class.. i dun like how they would talk abt studies.. talk abt doing well... cos i dun realli care... as long as i could go thru and eventually do alrite for a's... but e bonds are something tt dun come at a snap of a finger... i dunno how it wld feel like if i was still in tis sch but in a diff class... being so close... however yet so far.. tt our friendship stops there.. i dun wanna try... i dun wanna think abt it... if tt is so.. maybe another sch might be better..
maybe...

i dun noe why my mind keeps playing tricks with me... go away can?? haiz.. why is my mind so logical yet so emotional? they sometimes dun coincide... logically i noe its wrong... but emotionally it always gets e better of me by disturbing me... crap make me stone doing lessons...

woah... i never noe its tis depressing until i write it all out here... stupid high I mind... now am at super low point... crap... i am always so cheerful.. but yet at times like tis... juz at these times... i become like tt... U noe i realized tt so many of my gd frens are high D or C.. have only managed to find one close fren who is one... wah lao i love his advice... yeah its u rui... =)

well at least i will remember my mind was tis bad at tis time... tis bad till eyedrops almost rolled down my cheeks.. almost...

relax.. maybe im nt tt bad as i write i am...
maybe..

kids.../ and im breaking free...

oh... my sis got op today... very sudden cos her eye got pimple became so big den gotta op to remove it... haha but thank God she's ok le... shes at hm with me now with a bandage over her eye haha.... thank all for ur prayers... =)

haha... juz now saw kids running up e bus to sit in front on e second floor of a double decker bus... making alot of noise at e same time... den i was like... hey i used to like to sit in front alot also in p5,6... i used to thought eh why ppl dun wan so gd can see e road ahead of u so nice... ^^ but well i noe why but i dun mind sitting there e nxt time... ^^ oh and i saw someone sending his sis on a bicycle... i thought hey i wd love to do tt.. send my sis to church on sun... but nah i cant cycle stabily with her on it... haha... later she fall even worse... haha...

been blogging alot recently... not feeling gd... but well.. dunno why juz now on e bus... was listening to photograph by nickelback den i suddenly felt positive...(points to thoughts above) feeling gd now... dunno why... but i thought i can now break free frm e thought tt has been disturbing me... sharp change frm tis afternoon.. :-p

i...
really wanna say tis...
im breaking free..
frm e bondage of tt sin...(hopefully forever =)
and i guess im going to say tis which i never said bf....
i wanna go mug...
for e glory of God of course... ^^
pray tt i can finish phy today... maybe maths too...
aiya got so much to do... pw also... but nvm... think positive...

Jam 2:16 And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?
Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Ah... and e benediction song during service... one of my fav song... which e thought of e lyrics and e tune make me feel so encouraged... here is what i can remember...

May the Lord show His mercy upon you
May the light of His presence be your guide
May He guard you and uphold you
May His spirit be ever by your side
When you sleep may His angels watch over you
When you wake may He feel you with His grace
May u love Him and serve Him all you're days
And in heaven may you see His face

and i dug out frm my email what rachel sent me on 06/05/05.. the verse on tis song... as well as the cute teddy bear and e comments by rach... feel encouraged to read it again... i juz put it as my wallpaper... =)


and tis song... woah i muz post these songs more often to remind myself of it... =) i feel great again... tks all for ur prayers... =)

Now unto Him who is able
To keep you from falling
And to make you stand in His presence
Blameless and with great joy
To the only God our saviour
To Jesus Christ our Lord
Be the glory, and the majesty
Dominion and authority
Both now and forever
Amen.

Jud 1:24 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,
Jud 1:25 To the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

tis is what andrew calls temptations.../ I dont belong here...

guess where am i... haha... in sch lib lol... blogging away lah now... and what all my frens are doing??? watching bleach in com lab in lib... L .O .L . i tell u... they sitting nxt to me some more... haha... and still say come sch study somemore.. tis is what i call closet mugging... den the all go home and mug while i go hme and slack... haiz.. cannot study when they are all like tt too... juz me... cannot do be quai when others aren't... tis is what andrew(not class one) tells me by temptations... go sch study with frens lol wont help... when i realli need frens to motivate me... sian... muz kao myself until can find one reliable person to help...

u noe our class become some bleach fan club... virtually frm reg no 1 shuting to reg 28 fredrick watches bleach.. lol... even e ultra smart eddie does too... haha.. i realli wanna.. but reallii cant.. dont have e time for it.. dont wanna get addicted as some of them do.. cos e 1st thing which will be affected will be my studies... im alreadi struggling to study le den like tt... see they do 1 q.. watch 1 epi of bleach... actually i kinda no interest to watch bleach... cos seeing all e nice epi they watching... i thought eh sia lah so nice 1... but den i juz dun feel like watching unlike last year naruto... got so addicted.. and i cant get addicted by bleach.. i juz feel diao tt wah lao they all can watch bleach like tt den study like tt... the world calls it no life... haha... but they so disciplined.. i realli feel weird and tempted to watch with them.. but den i guess my mind now is too filled to think of getting addicted to bleach... or maybe after naruto experience wont get addicted le? dun noe dont care... i feel like being part of them but i noe i shldnt... leave bleach to after promos..

[new added]
i juz realized how ez it is not think abt spiritual things(heaven yada yada)... all u have to do is use studies... play and virtually anithing as an excuse... seriously... i think(and i noe) its tt easy... it juz struck me while watching em watch bleach... haha... so easy... so easy... and i cant blame em...

rite...

wah realli cannot study these days... u noe when i with them i realli feel tt i dont belong here... dont feel like being here... dun wanna be here.. or there... or whatever... dont ask me why... i juz feel i dun belong here... feel awkward.. feel weird.. my heated is cold with pain.. my mind is filled with ambiguity.. yet empty with air.. i dun feel me.. realli miss e time in yf and in church.. tt whole part seems missing frm my life... for e 1st time(again) i dun noe why i nt looking forward to combined yf... sian tis verse is ringing in mind which i noe i shld remind myself of..

Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. (KJV)

yup.. it is comforting to read it now again...srry.. tis are all my thoughts dun kena offended... although i tink they might... :-p

sakae for michelle's bdae../ my blurred mind...

Today went sakae with family for michelle's b'dae... at 1st dun realli wanna go cos got heavy breakfast... den aiya her bdae den go lah... de food eat before quiote a few time le so nothing much... but best was when we eating fruits... there was 6 slices of watermelon... me, michelle and laura(my youngest sister) competed to see who can finish 1st... haha... den super funny... i at 1st relaq relaq den started laughing den dey all laugh den we like trying to contain laughter rather than eating... very funny... den see all of us watermelon juice dripping outta our mouth... den we finishing den chiong... michelle intially thought she finish 1st den she see me finish also only left whats in my mouth she spitted some juice outta her mouth on me and MY FACE!!! den laugh... haha... lucky only abit den i swallow mine and i win lol... den she cannot swallow very funny... we all keep laughing damn funny damn paiseh... haha... but michelle used to it whole day come with her npcc ppl make alot of noise so nian pi hou le so she dun care.. haha... laura still left like 2 pieces... so she give me den say my prize den i was like diao... haha... best part of e day... but sian haven mug yet die le...

i dunno why ppl is kicking up a big fuss abt e death of steve irwin.. like if u dun put a rose u dun respect him or something like tt... i mean ya lah hes a big figure which i respect alot too becos of his educational exploits as a croc hunter.. but respect is in ur heart which u dun haf to show outwardly to others... i dun noe why everyone juz gotta put a turtle or something which now turned to a rose... but i respect him only up till a certain extent becos of.... ya and i feel sad for him... there goes another soul...

my mind has been in a twirl and a mess e last few days... or shld i say weeks... my emotional state has been bad... i still fall asleep fast.. but way too fast.. when my mind is still thinking.. i juz fall asleep.. and i keep getting dreams... like even a few time a nite... when last time hardly even one a few weeks... cant sleep well also.. everytime feel like got alot of things to think abt but thinking wont help... like studies gotta do rather than think... sian... dunno juz a mess... dun care lah...

dunno ppl got bother read my last post anot dun haf their lost... dun care lah...

I juz dun understand... / my future... my dream...

Today... i was speaking to one of my frens abt heaven(sorry dun wanna put ur name here) and life after death... abt christianity... den she was saying she never thought abt it... which kinda implied she didnt care... well... not becoming a christian is 1 thing... but how could one not wanna go to heaven if there is? it juz kinda struck me abt e same reasons other frens told me... didnt thought of it... dun realli care... den i thought to myself... thank God... tt my mum was a christian despite my father not being one... thank God... tt i came to sg... thank God... tt i suddenly thought to myself... why do i call myself a christian when i didnt go to church... thank God... tt i found shalom(my church)... tt how great and nice e ppl there were... and they lead me to noe God... thank God... tt tts how i got to noe abt life after death.. how important it is... tt it set me thinking abt these things... if i never started to go to church... i might never think abt it... juz like my frens... maybe its juz my character to think alot abt things.. maybe... but i realli dun understand why ppl dun wanna think abt these things?

today... mel wee was saying tt her mum's colleagues only son frm ri died at e age of 14... den ze said.. it makes us think alot abt things.. like what is our purpose in life... really... i thought does it take a relative, a fren or even an immediate family member to pass away... to question urselves... to think will i see my fren in heaven? will i be in heaven? why do i live for? money? happiness? a clear conscience? if i were put into any of a deceased family members shoes... and thinking... oh no... will my whatever be in heaven? or suffering in hell? i tell u... i would be extremely sad for e deceased becos i dont noe whether he would go to heaven... what happens if he doesnt? wouldnt u wanna do anything abt it? SERIOUSLY???

i remember at e start of sch in mj... maybe not start but midway e second term.. our ct asked us to think abt our future... what would u wanna be? i remember my classmate bernard said something abt being a rich business man.. one with a villa and dunno what dunno what... and at tt time... i could tell u... i gave a big sarcastic smile.. if not for jx... i might've told the class abt mine... becos i thought to myself.. so u become rich? will u ever say its enuf? will u be happy? can u prevent urself frm dieing? when u die.. can u bring ur riches along? or say to God can i pay using my money so tt i wont go to hell? seriously.. if u tink u have kept a clear conscience... when u see God... do u think God will say gd.. ur conscience is clear... off to heaven u go? how abt those ppl who become rich by embezzling or some dirty means... even very minor ones.. he would also say... my conscience is clear!!! if u tink doing gd can get u to heaven? den whats e standard? will God say my standard is doing gd 100 times? gd u juz nice got 100... off to heaven u go? what happens to a serial killer.. who later repented and managed to do a 100 gd deeds before he dies? will he go to heaven? seriously... whats e standard???? a sin is a sin... no matter how many gd deeds we do... will God say... ur gd deeds are way better than ur bad deeds??? lets say u committed 100 sins.. lets say theres different degrees of sin.. say maybe ure sins total up to 200 bad points(lol)... den ur gd deeds got 201 gd points... will God say 201-200=1 gd u did more gd deeds than sin.. off to heaven u go? lets use another eg.. say u killed someone... will e judge say.. last time u donated alot to charity.. and somehow he noes u did alot of other gd deeds.. den will he say nvm i dont punish u... and he reward u even(let u go to heaven)!!! if u believe tt tis is true what... den i really got nothing to say...

if u dont... den wouldnt u wanna go to heaven? how abt ur family members... anyone with cancer?? who might die soon... or grandparents?? who might die anytime soon.. wont u want someone u hold so dearly to go to heaven too? if u dont tell them now... who noes whether they'll get a stroke and die tmr? den would u think crap i shld have told them how to get to heaven.. or when u die u see God and u tell Him no one told u... will God say.. ok... since no one told u... nvm i give u chance.. u can go to heaven??? if God juz wanted ppl to do gd deeds den can go to heaven... im sure alot of us could.. but what happens if God... who is 100% righteous... say tt u can only go to heaven u dont commit any sin(mind u even lying is a form of sin...) if u think haiya no lah dun commit any major sin can liao... who told u tt? urself? how big is major? who decides e degree? urself? God is perfect.. becos he is God.. he wont lie rite? so does He lie? so does He think u shld lie? if He doesnt do something... do u think u shld do? den do u consider tt sin? God being loving too... obviously made a plan for us to not go to hell becos we all will sin... he noes tt... tts why we cannot save ourselves... only thru Jesus..

tis are all my thoughts and on things ive learned... sorry abt my very long posts and my very strong emotions... but i realli want my frens to noe juz how impt tis is.. and i can tell u.. u can be assured tt u can go heaven now... rite now.. if u bother to ask... and if u will believe... i can tell u... it can be now... haiz... if anyone would understand my cry....

oh... and if u want to noe what i wanna do or be? what i wanna have... its very simple actually.. but only if u ask me den ill tell... =) oh and to my fren srry if i sounded like im attacking what u said or something... alot of things is what struck my mind when u said it so its not personal attack.. please dun mind k?

New updated photos

Musical... all pang seh... / Frens??? wad happened to brothers and sisters?

Tis week was quite a hectic week until wed... where i was so sick until i almost vomited... chem test was horrible... but im ok... there was so many ppl who felt way worse den i do... but im not surprised i will fail anyway... was kinda sick and my concepts are all half-baked... so haiya dun care... juz sad gonna fail another again...

On thurs... ish teachers day concert... cancelled e event in pasir ris park to sch cos its raining... but e performances were quite gd... jx rocked on his guitar... took lots of photos... e class in pink leh... so gay... actually not very gay... look cool actually... kan jiu le den dun see anything wrong with wearing baby pink... haha... den went with e vs gang to vs... e teachers all went to vj for lunch... den we went parkway to eat... i pang seh all of them go meet aidross and makan... den we sat there and chit chatted abt band, choir and stuff... den in e end go and play what we always used to do together... DOTA!!! den play soccer game.. haha.. so hard to play on keyboard i kena thrash lah... wah lao eh... but wont see e last of him... going to play soccer with him on sun also... something we always used to do together also... =) but too bad dun get to see seng kiang... never talk to him for years le... den he cant come... sad... but well... maybe nxt time...

was quite sad last sun... becoming sianz of everything... lucky got huiling who consoled me... tks alot girl... =) but den today sianz again... wah lao all pang seh dun wanna go my church musical... den i was like.... grr.... yest felt quite bad le i purposely dun wanna help out in e musical cos wanna bring them go... den see they having fun and i was abit xtra there... den now they all dun wan to go... so sianz...

i starting to feel very close with e class ppl... esp with e girls... something which surprises me cos in church i close to only a few who tends to be close to alot of other ppl... e rest is like bleah... there are a few guys i very close to also... in sch guy only got jx... de girls all becoming quite close... like how they told me something tt only they noe... haha... but well i dun noe whether tis kinda friendship will last... cos no one can predict e future... but i noe with church will de... will see each other for eternity i guess unless some change church den maybe wun see often until eternity... haha... but i realli haven been speaking to my bros and sis le... only spoke to debbie last week... de rest are all very busy which ish understandable... i am too... now is all abt mugging den classmates became closer... maybe some of e classmates dun feel so... but i really love my class.. i guess its one of e best le... except tt everyones always comparing results in front of me... or complaining... bleah... really hope some of them will be saved... gotta pray i guess... =) my walk it slowly getting quite bad although i dun realli admit it... i still always pray... but well...