well. i'm telling myself again. stay away and protect yourself if you don't want to feel like that again. just get lost and stay away pls! i can't stand this cause i have this feeling. gosh. grr.

Earlier in the day. That same feeling strikes again. A feeling that strikes fear in my heart, and one i totally detest. A feeling somewhere between jealousy and envy. Maybe possesiveness, but i hate the feeling, just hope i can get rid of that too. And while sleeping on my desk (accidentally), it tells me something- that i have to remove somethings on my desk. I shouldnt keep them there glaring at me everyday. Should get rid of them man.

Tonight was a night of catch up. Or at least this week. Tonight happen to meet Wilberg at the bball court, and we just chatted abt everything with regards to bball, and wasted them doing all kinda nonsense even though my finger was injured. Thats how we gotta know each other anyway. Always was hoping to see him one day while i used to walk past the court and not play there. We havent talked ever since jc ended. And then talked to Bernard, my jc classmate and cca mate. And then there's shirlene, over the phone hearing abt her problems. Ytdy was charissa and lydia, lydia haha just nothing much to catch up with though we never talked for some time. charissa was a cca senior, gosh her's is the longest. And cause we met during CCIS when she perfomed outside ps. But the weird thing was when i congratulated her for her good perf, and she did something which made me go like, are we that close? Haha. But i think its her way of being friendly anyway. And i'm quite encouraged to hear her testimony. Never knew she had a heart for God and might even be keen to do missions. I mean because she totally doesnt seem like that type. Hopefully will see her at massive choir gathering. Haha.

And meeting 2 more ppl this week. Gosh. Plus cca gathering means catching up with a few ppl! And beach woo finally! Hopefully can spend some time at beach even though i have church. :( Oh then there's heath and kevin, esp since have been trying to meet kev since the start of the month but we keep cancelling. Haiz. Have lost touch of my dear bro le. And heath, for some reason have not looked me up. Haha. yes and there's rachel who's my movie kaki. Haha.

Oh and wanted to say this for some time, but never got too. Met wan ting after yfc camp last month. She's one of my closer juniors, though not exactly close la. I always chat with her abt dance stuff and hip hop. She's the crazy one who asked me to learn hip hop from the streets at esplanade. Lol. We havent talked for so long. The last time was when i was supposed to attend her dance concert which i promised her, but i didnt cause i think cause of church camp? Sigh. But anyway, what happened was i happen to walk past her and i thought just like any other superficial friend we'll just continue walking while just saying a casual Hi. But surprise surprise, she stopped and talked to me, even though she was going off to somewhere with a friend at her side. I was thinking to myself, haha, i would never do that. Maybe i might never talk to her again. But, she made my day. =) Maybe i'll see her someday as her patient. :-p

Poof, i wish! I'm still trying very hard to not think!

I'm glad my friend do not realize what im struggling with, or that how it has relation to him/her, or not...

I wish i would stop seeing it in dreams, even ever so randomly.

I'm so thankful yfc and chien chong, cause ive been learning so much, and its time for changes to be made! I'll share, whenever. :-p

Thats why i told myself to stay away, but i didnt listen to myself- now i'm irritated by certain thoughts again. Spoiled my happy mood just about a few hours ago. Though its harsh, but it puts things back to perspective again.

Now its what i call happy and sad at the same time.

Sorry, always when i happen to blog its abt the same issues and its not very healthy thoughts.

But what someone told me, whom actually tried to help me with this problem for once, was actually really just to fight it through. Simple thing which i've been trying to do, but just reminds me that if its God i want to honour, he would take these emotions away from me, and help me keep my focus solely on Him.

I wish i have a mind eraser, or feelings eraser. But its something that makes me human i guess.

And just a food for thought to myself. The church is just like a family. My church is my family. Changes alot of perspectives on things.

I actually have alot to thank God for. He's been great i thank God for all the things that has been happenning, how i see GOd working through me, and lots more. I actually feel bad for a few hours only now which is good. No matter how bad i feel, i just tell myself to stay strong from strength from the Lord, remembering why i'm going through what i'm going through, all for a reason. I just want to give up these past few months, but i'm telling myself again, no i cant. I'll fight these feelings no matter how trying and how much turmoil it causes within me.

I love cards, am so encouraged by a few of em. Gonna find someplace to put them up. =D

ok. i'm trying out writing a sort from my handphone. haha. this is one of the primary reasons i got my phone so let's see whether whether it works. :-p . i was telling4 a fren how i feel that this year, even christmas is so saddening. i used to look forward to this month of the year as the most exciting month. looking forward to it with all eagerness. but this year. i just can't help but feel lonely this year. frens that all come and go and gone. well i'll use an example of a conversation with a fren to show it. we were just talking abt how i have disappeared for a few weeks from church recently, and she was saying, that she bet plenty of ppl would be asking why i am not around. my response was a simple no. haha. she even commented that she would feel very sad cause no one seen's concerned if she was me. me? i have always known this fact.

Say hi to simply the fact that, everybody is unimpt. Cause you don't know whats going on in ppl's lives. To wasting time doing things you don't enjoy/or simply just wasting time.

Pick up the bible, and start reading!

Busy busy week!

This is the reason i supposedly promised myself not to read, Pain! But oh wells, sometimes you just rather suffer through the pains for bigger gains.

Somehow, uncle henry is the new guy who always catches me stoning. Again, he went today, "Nick you ok anot" when i was going abt my usual stonings. Of course there is a reason i started stoning, getting lost in the things that bother me. And you just pull your thoughts back together and lie that you're fine? Haha.

Its interesting sitting there, just trying to curb the thoughts in my mind at 1 point. Telling myself hey stop wanting to do something. And again, it was a struggle.

"The truth shall set you free!" says the bible. But for my struggle, i just cant say the truth(ok it isnt the same truth). Because others knowing the truth doesnt solve matters. I know it doesnt, I assure you.

Somehow, i realized how much i have been missing from everyone's life, and its a vicious cycle. I just wish i was a bigger part of someones life, but i cant.

Because im in self protection mode. Not willing to be vulnerable as it already is.

So tmr's a brand new day, to wake up and forget and hope that these problems have left me.

Cause thats what im waiting for.

Believe me, it cant.

Sometimes i just wish that certain things would change as i wish to. I know humans are fickle minded, but i just wish that certain things would just stop bothering me. That i will stop seeing it there, because you know that in there you are really happy, but in reality, it will not happen so i wish it would just stop occuring to me. Its like a sin, or like i always said, a bane. Something that ive yet been able to shrug off.

Take it away if you will it, Lord.

Haiz.

And A certain thing always gets me down. Happened during camp, which i perfectly am fine till that occurence, and i have to go to the toilet, think through, pull myself together again and pretend as if nothing bothers me. Not that it should though.

I wish i can be very honest abt this, but not here.

An idle mind is the devil's playground.

But aiya i wanted to get to something happier but i gtg le Zz. Ok later.

The Truths Of Life

I guess this past 2 weeks is somewhat shocking. Found out 2 very big things. Of course 1 is more serious than the other. And i guess all of us didnt see it coming. We can always complain that we could have done something diff to have prevented it, but i guess its impt now that we learn from our mistakes. Its quite harsh of a lesson God may want to drive at us. But all i know now is to learn how to move on and correct problems. Try to think thru why God allowed such things, and i realized that there is an impt msg God wants to drive at us. At least the baseline of the both issues is, things are not as rosy as it appears on the surface. And what are you going to do abt it? Be concerned with your own problems and needs only? I guess it was kinda appropriate that i did dorm devotion in yf camp on

seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Anyway for myself, i have to think through my own issues. I guess even a fierce/unhappy reaction from Ben was appropriate. Scolds me back to expose my sin. And yes i'll think through it again, and talk it through.

Revealing a sly, cunning and hypocritical heart of others is really quite scary. Just makes you wonder how one can be so hypocritical. Makes you wonder how evil ppl can be, even christians.

But Thank God for youth camp. Its been great, though Its just another event that passed ever so quickly. This camp reveals to me alot abt ppl. You can see the disparity with the pure in heart and those who aren't. But its great to see the so many newcomers. Time was ever so tight during the camp, especially cause i keep rushing ppl and i'm ever so busy. Am very busy to be too bothered with writing too many notes, or communicate with ppl, especially the newcomers. But i surprise myself. In the way i acted throughtout the camp, in thoughts and in deeds. That i didnt let anything get me down or be strong, except again for one.; in being very detailed abt many things. Being in a position of such authority makes you just put a step forward to be better, and am very encouraged by the many ppl who praises me for doing a very good job. Though i think the camp has lots to improve, i have lots to improve, i thank God for a great camp. The camp comm is one of the most wonderful thing. Am really encouraged but seeing the younger ones step up and seeing how they've matured. Sherwin is one im so glad to see him growing in leaps and bounds during this period. He is starting to really encourage me alot. Shannon is one i think increasingly i can almost treat her like MY PEERS! She has thoughts way beyond her age, just like a 17 year old. Debbie has been wonderful helpful that i havent found time to thank for the many things she had done for me. And arthur too.

Leaving though, has not been removed from my mind. Cause i know more and more i cant resolve some problems altogether.

It's a difficult decision, but one i've decided i have to make. Im leaving. Its no coincidence. Its not an overnight thing. Just so many things went through my mind, and i realized i gotta go. Just dragging my feet along to fulfill my current responsibilities, then i'm off. Actually i'm already doing it gradually. Bit by bit, i've decided to keep just good memories of this place. This place changed me so much, but for numerous reasons, i gotta go.

Good byes will be left for the future.