Well. Christmas was really great this year. Love the fact of hearing refreshing ensembles, small groups and me myself playing my trombone for the 1st time in 2 and a half years. Well, christmas eve was really enjoyable too. At least its a refreshing like i feel i really enjoyed it unlike the past month where ive been trying to have too much fun till nothing seems really fun or worthy of note. The week before was a big struggle with problems in my head. I shant say what why but its due to relationships and it was really a pain and it was really bad. Anyway, ive solved some and have learnt to ignore some. Actually, i just dont care anymore about some relational issues that i dont like with people. I guess i just look forward to the next 3 months making new ones when the old ones are breaking. Its always like that. Everytime i move on to another stage in life relationships end there and i dont carry them over. Well, this year i have an additional church ones to worry about too. Well, trying to guess what goes through people's mind really kills me. Kevin is right to not to think of any if's and why questions in my head. I guess i think/worry/read too much into so many things. That kills me i guess.

Been lazy to write cards this year due to overkill last year. Well, not been receiving too much this year. Been rather simple things from people. Nevertheless, thanks to those who did. Though i would say, giving presents are alot more ex seriously. Gah. In a sense im a little dissapointed, but im happy that people appreciate my rather simple presents i guess.

I guess this holiday, i would say i wished i had spent some time not being so busy and going out so often. Not that i think i needed time for myself. I never believed in that. I guess i needed time with God. I should have spent time with Him way more seriously cause i havent been. However, the thing that snapped me out of my worries last week was just by imagining of doing something a little crazy- going around sg to take photos which seem memorable to me. Oh well, i guess i really might not have the time to do that this year. Not to mention the next few months to come. But i wish i really can do so. Is that time with myself? Haha. I just wished i really spent time with God seriously.

Hmm. I think ive been too self imposing lately. I think i am doing stuff that people more and more are starting to dislike too. Well, i cant expect to impose my life philosophies to others and expect them to agree. I got struck by someone actually on doing your best in whtever your talent lies. Adrian has always said this. But well i guess someone else used studies as one and im like yea thats true. And about mine? Hmm, makes me think about my talents and i guess my career path seems to get clearer and clearer each day.

I guess its the way i am that im going to be troubled by this thing this whole year and i guess it will happen for time to come, at least i think i will for some time and i wonder whether i can really let go of this. Well, by God's grace, hopefully i will not cling onto this anymore.

Im going malaysia tmr morning. Not really looking forward to it but oh well its a holiday and i have not really gone for one for like 3 years.

Sch is starting for people. "Work" is going to start soon for me too. Oh well, im kinda looking forward to it, but well, i'll probably will still miss the holiday season seriously. Haha. Where everyone would be around and all.

My biggest wish for the next year? A growing yf, not only in numbers, but in faith and closeness.

I love this song, i virtually have been singing this song a thousand times throughout the past few days. Enjoy.

I Celebrate the Day By Relient K
Sang by For Christ's Sake in acapella

With this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let you know
How much you've touched my life because
Here is where you're finding me
In the exact same place as New Years Eve
And from the lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I wanna be

And the first time that you opened your eyes
Did you realize that you would be my Savior
And the first breath that left your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever
And the first time that you opened your eyes
Did you realize that you would be my Savior
And the first breath that left your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare
The things I've felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That you have come to meet me here

To look back
And think that
This baby would one day save me
And the hope that
That you give
That you were born so I might really live
To look back
And think that
This baby would one day save me...

And the first time that you opened your eyes
Did you realize that you would be my Savior
And the first breath that left your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever
And the first time that you opened your eyes
Did you realize that you would be my Savior
And the first breath that left your lips
Did you know that it would change this world forever

And I
I celebrate the day
That you were born to die
So I could one day
Pray for you to save my life
Pray for you to save my life
Pray for you to save my life

I think you never understood how our actions can have an effect on others.

i felt like being oh so sarcastic.

I guess im mentally exhausted this past 1 and a half months. I should've settled it when the problems are not magnified. And its irresponsible of me to be hurting others when i am hurting, or leaving others ignorant of the implications of their actions.

I should make things clear and move on.

I've to move on in faith.

i guess the full stop is there.

I guess God has made it quite obvious already.

Its the end.

Its hiatus.

ITs everydaywithkevin.

ahaha.

.............................

Something seems wrong. Or is it all part of my imagination again? I seriously don't understand how things turn out like that seriously. Is it me or isnt it pretty obvious? Isnt the awkwardness and all the avoiding apparent? I seriously rather thrash things out that to be hanged on the rope awaiting the death sentence. Its like torture really. I thought he gave me the chink in the armor. He warned me it wont be easy. I guess he was right ,and i was wrong. I guess i can't handle it. Can it at least be solved cleanly?

i guess two years of torturing jc drain all the emotional control out of me. Seriously. To most others, it was bad, to me, its beyond painful. Every thought of jc brings sorrow. I guess most wont feel this way so dont be deterred. But i know whats it like in it, being me.

I'm starting to feel all that happened was just a dream that i dreamt. Im starting to feel that thinking God played a part was a mere wishful thinking to fulfill my selfish desires.

Today, i just snapped. I guess everything came out just like what kevin mentioned before in his blog- a Tsunami. Really. It was just like a Tsunami of emotions just hit you. Anything and everything just came splashing at your face. I guess everything just dropped by, said hi, and washed every bit left in me away too. I wish i am not what i am. But i am me. It is time, like august said regarding a different matter, to find me and be me. I am God's. I should meet up to God's expectations and no one else. Not what i think others expectations would be. Not what i think the world 's expectations would be. I guess looking at others, even anyone, can actually make me feel inferior, and i should learn to let go of these. This is me. No hiding it. If others cant accept it, so be it. I should and i should work on it.

Last random thought. Those people who are willing to call me a close friend please stand up and be counted. I think i see 2 hands(except God's). The truth is, 1 wants to be counted, but in actual fact, doesnt treat me so. The other, we simply dont belong to the same click that we couldnt spend most of our time with each other.

But maybe, i should, i should be contented with that so called "1", even with the little time we have, but its hard to be close and not want to spend more time with each other.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes i feel that i know that my faith is not dead but its still not at a safe and comfortable level yet im leaving myself to swim in dangerous waters. What am i doing? I've been slack again and ill disciplined to do things i should do. i feel like giving myself a good scolding. I am always like that. I always know what im doing wrong but i always dont take action.

Sometimes i feel like giving up this seemingly dead ministry and move on to God's greater plans. Then again, i belong to this ministry, and what am i doing about it? Am i not doing anything, or is it because we are all not doing enough, or not doing things right? I dont know. Im lost. I suddenly feel that i should do something, yet im doing nothing, and i dont know what can be done either.But i think, something has to change.

It Is Well With My Soul

This is the reason i put "it is well" on my blog. 1stly, the 4him it is well brings back memories from ubin camp and i was going for yet another outdoor camp 3 years later. The other reason is because of the story behind the writer of the song It Is Well With My Soul. This story is super touching. I wonder at that point of time, i coul've said the same thing and make the same song as the author of this hymn, "It is Well with My Soul".

Back with lots to say.

OK. So i finally got down to blogging. Ive got so many things to say all the time. But this week, been real lazy to do anything other than to play my ps2. Not been using com much cause all i do when i have time at home is to play my ps2 and it always happen that when i wanna use the com my sisters would be using it so i would be playing my ps2 again. Lol. Hmm, lets see where i wanna start.

Hmm, this might be one of my last few posts before i switch to wordpress. Well, but like i said, i am too lazy, too busy to do it. Been out so often i think its kinda mad. But yes i agree i am slack especially in qt and yes i agree that i got trapped into addiction for gaming again and i didnt realize it until like friday. So its best i dont play anymore. Gonna be busy working i guess this week.

If some of you dont know, i am confirm joining yfc(youth for christ) next year, full time for 10 weeks. its a 9-5 job, 5 and a half day work week, and nights are probably gonna be used up by meeting students from schools and stuff. Gonna be real busy i guess. Dont know how to fit my other commitments too.

Oh what other commitments you say? Well, these commitments are actually things i wished and planned to take up, and im so blessed to get them all that my schedule is mad. Well, for one, im joining dance classes. Im meeting august once a week for vocal training. I'm considering joining an external christian choir recommended by august, but commitment is once a week which seems like i probably dont have the time to take it up. I also wanna take up piano classes for 3 months but its like i think probably cant liao. Not forgetting im intending to gym regularly. Lol. Gym see how lah. I might consider not really gyming so often lor cause i dont have the time lah.

Yf camp wasnt really enjoyable to me. Well, i guess it depends on your objectives that you wanted to achieve when you went for the camp. Mine wasnt met, so i guess i felt shortchanged.

Anyway the truth is, im very bothered by relational issues recently. I mean mostly are friends even. Alot of things lah. Like how someone told me i have too high an expectation of a close friends. I know its my bad, but i dont know why. Im always unhappy cause i guess my close friends are somewhat not meeting up to my expectations Not expectations as a christian or as a person, but as a close friend, meaning how i am treated i guess. I know it sounds very wrong of me to expect things out of relationships, or bluntly, to be served, but sometimes i guess i have needs too and i just feel down that no one is meeting my needs. I'm really saddened by relational issues so much you know. Sometimes when someone makes you feel close and at some point flips the coin and makes you feel unclose and distant with the person. So many so often really makes me have reservations even calling them close, and i just hate it. But i guess cause i expect too much too. Kevin you spoiler lah only you make me feel truly close even when we dont meet each other these days. haha no lah problems already are there i guess. Like i said maybe due to emotionally i'm seeking support, seeking a friend where i can spend time often, and be comfortable with. I dont know lah all these relational issues are really killing me cause you'll never really get an answer. Kevin says thats what makes life interesting. But whatever lah its quite torturing lor.

Time for vague stuff from the heart.

I knew its not gonna be easy. Really. Well, i would say i took it too lightly. And i didnt prepare myself for it. But im always telling myself stop worrying about it. Stop thinking about it. I shouldn't waste my youth on these things but i should spend it for God. Someones advise really struck it home for so many things. If its meant to be, no matter what you do, if God's plan is for it to happen this way, it will happen. I am not talking about things where you can try your best to get it, for eg studies. Its an excuse to say i dont study cause if God wants me to get good grades i will get it. No no. Im talking about things that is not within your control. Like career etc(obviously this is not the issue i have in mind while saying this). Sometimes even when you do your best to consider the many things whether it is really God's plan for you, ultimately, like for career whether God calls you to that job, even when you think so many things are in place and you think it is, God's plan might be otherwise. Aiya im going in rounds but what i think on these issues i have in mind is, if its meant to be, it will happen. If God wants certain things to happen, he don't need you to do it all the time. God's plan will be done, with or without you. God is in control. Though i would say that i of course want certain things my way, but im glad that i know, even if it doesnt, i would still be glad. I am glad about this issue anyway how certain things turned out. Its fine as it is. Though i need some getting use to.

This is my story, and I will never forget it. To me, it is more beautiful than i can ever imagine. Though i would always say its only from my point of view, i dont know. I have reasons enough to call it a story to a certain extent. I guess i need to write it somewhere. So that i can look back and remember, i think i have truly done it before. Not that it wont happen in the future or that the story has ended. My life has not ended lor. This story has not ended. Maybe not yet. :-p Maybe soon? Maybe not? I dont know. I just wanna write it down.

Actually, i have so many things i want to write but only want a select few to know. It is where i can write about thoughts without reservations. I guess i write it vaguely here cause i dont have an outlet for it. Hmm, actually i can just start a private blog from blogger. :-p I dont know i want to find out more about wordpress anyway.

Done talking my fill, for now. =)

I found this very interesting which i wish to share with all of you. These are the conducts a christians should have. If you have some time to spare, look the verses up especially things you never knew we should do as a christian. I got this from a bible program on com called E-sword. I never knew so more things which need to have as a christian are even found in the bible like about sympathising with others. SO cool right. :-p And this is so cool. Where should christians find happiness. I have all the verses. Wah must study this sometime soon. :-p

Conduct, Christian
Believing God
Mar_11:22; Joh_14:11; Joh_14:12;

Fearing God
Ecc_12:13; 1Pe_2:17;

Loving God
Deu_6:5; Mat_22:37;

Following God
Eph_5:1; 1Pe_1:15; 1Pe_1:16;

Obeying God
Luk_1:6; 1Jo_5:3;

Rejoicing in God
Psa_33:1; Hab_3:18;

Believing in Christ
Joh_6:29; 1Jo_3:23;

Loving Christ
Joh_21:15; 1Pe_1:7; 1Pe_1:8;

Following the example of Christ
Joh_13:15; 1Pe_2:21-24;

Obeying Christ
Joh_14:21; Joh_15:14;

LIVING
To Christ
Rom_14:8; 2Co_5:15;

To righteousness
Mic_6:8; Rom_6:18; 1Pe_2:24;

Soberly, righteously, and godly
Tit_2:12;

WALKING
Honestly
1Th_4:12;

Worthy of God
1Th_2:12;

Worthy of the Lord
Col_1:10;

In the Spirit
Gal_5:25;

After the Spirit
Rom_8:1;

In newness of life
Rom_6:4;

Worthy of vocation
Eph_4:1;

As children of light
Eph_5:8;

Rejoicing in Christ
Phi_3:1; Phi_4:4;

Loving one another
Joh_15:12; Rom_12:10; 1Co_13:1-13; Eph_5:2; Heb_13:1;

Striving for the faith
Phi_1:27; Jud_1:3;

Putting away all sin
1Co_5:7; Heb_12:1;

Abstaining from all appearance of evil
1Th_5:22;

Perfecting holiness
Mat_5:48; 2Co_7:1; 2Ti_3:17;

Hating defilement
Jud_1:23;

Following after that which is good
Phi_4:8; 1Th_5:15; 1Ti_6:11;

Overcoming the world
1Jo_5:4; 1Jo_5:5;

Adorning the gospel
Mat_5:16; Tit_2:10;

Showing a good example
1Ti_4:12; 1Pe_2:12; Tit_2:7;

Abounding in the work of the Lord
1Co_15:58; 2Co_8:7; 1Th_4:1;

Shunning the wicked
Psa_1:1; 2Th_3:6;

Controlling the body
1Co_9:27; Col_3:5;

Subduing the temper
Eph_4:26; Jam_1:19;

Submitting to injuries
Mat_5:39-41; 1Co_6:7;

Forgiving injuries
Mat_6:14; Rom_12:20;

Living peaceably with all
Rom_12:18; Heb_12:14;

Visiting the afflicted
Mat_25:36; Jam_1:27;

Doing as we would be done by
Mat_7:12; Luk_6:31;

Sympathising with others
Gal_6:2; 1Th_5:14;

Honouring others
Psa_15:4; Rom_12:10;

Fulfilling domestic duties
Eph_6:1-8; 1Pe_3:1-7;

Submitting to Authorities
Rom_13:1-7;

Being liberal to others
Act_20:35; Rom_12:13;

Being contented
Phi_4:11; Heb_13:5;

Blessedness of maintaining
Psa_1:1-3; Psa_19:9-11; Psa_50:23; Mat_5:3-12; Joh_15:10; Joh_7:17;

Happiness Of Saints In This Life
Is in God
Psa_73:25; Psa_73:26;

Only found in the ways of wisdom
Pro_3:17; Pro_3:18;

Described by Christ in the beatitudes
Mat_5:3-12;

IS DERIVED FROM
Fear of God
Psa_128:1; Psa_128:2; Pro_28:14;

Trust in God
Pro_16:20; Phi_4:6; Phi_4:7;

The words of Christ
Joh_17:13;

Obedience to God
Psa_40:8; Joh_13:17;

Salvation
Deu_33:29; Isa_12:2; Isa_12:3;

Hope in the Lord
Psa_146:5;

Hope of glory
Rom_5:2;

God being their Lord
Psa_144:15;

God being their help
Psa_146:5;

Praising God
Psa_135:3;

Their mutual love
Psa_133:1;

Divine chastening
Job_5:17; Jam_5:11;

Suffering for Christ
2Co_12:10; 1Pe_3:14; 1Pe_4:13; 1Pe_4:14;

Having mercy on the poor
Pro_14:21;

Finding wisdom
Pro_3:13;

Is abundant and satisfying
Psa_36:8; Psa_63:5;

I might get the priviledge to use this phone for 3 months before army. Caue my mum just bought it.


My mum bought these speakers without knowing whether its good or not or asking for my opinion cause i thought she just gonna buy a cheap one. Initially i was quite unhappy, but no complains after hearing music through it. I thouroughly love it. =)

Well, i guess i am kinda blessed. Almost all my post A lvl wishes are coming true. Except learning languages, and an unspoken one which i dont think i want it to be fulfilled anymore. =)

I dont wanna leave house anymore cause speakers are too good. Haha. Dont wanna listen to my spoit earphones anymore. :-p

Material things!!!

Pursuit of Happiness

Im kinda sad and confused really. I don't know how these emotions came about. I have no explanation for it, so don't ask me. I hate it alright. But i can't control feeling out of place really. I just feel odd. Maybe the stress of A's has really made my emotions haywire. I think i'm starting to totally lose control of it. And how to control it? I dont know.

Looking back at the past 2 weeks after A's. I had alot of fun. But, looking back, it could hardly bring a smile to my face. Its not that i didnt enjoy myself most of the time. But i guess more and more i became too unhappy the past week that im just sian. I dont know. It seems as if something is missing. Something. I guess cause i hate feeling close to ppl to realize it might not be so? I hate feeling close and at another moment feel otherwise? Haiz. As one did say, i guess i have too high expectations for closer friends. That it ends up, i'll never have one i truly treat as close. Not in church at least.

I dislike to be non-committal. Was kinda sad and dissappointed to hear that help is needed whenever you want it to. I mean. Come on. Its a 2 way thing, not 1. I feel that this is how i operate. Its either i want to commit myself to helping, or i wash my hands off it. Its probably a good and bad trait of me. I dislike being " not here not there", or to say im non-committal to even many things. To me it's black or white, commit or dont commit. I dont like the idea of "help-me-when-i-want-it". I guess im really just sad that i really wanna help and in a way got rejected.

Was quite in a bad mood today and ended up throwing tantrums around the house, mainly because my mum ACTUALLY bought some expensive speakers without consulting me. I mean, SHE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHETHER ITS GOOD and she spent so much money on it. Im quite unhappy with it lah, especially when ironically han was telling me to get speakers around the price range of the one she bought and i shrugged it off saying she wouldnt. Well, i guess i was proven wrong and i was quite upset about it. Plus i was quite upset about today's events. Haiz. All my old friends from vs has become punks and smokers! I cant stand the stench of the cigarettes stuck in my nose because i have a block nose lah, and it was saddening to see it.

I guess i really HATE sundays!

Got so much i always wanted to say the past week but i totally was too lazy to do so. Children's camp was good, but ended badly, for me at least. And i didnt feel very good throught the camp cause i was the in between helping out but i was totally non committal cause i wasnt suppose to be a counsellor in the 1st place so i ended up just being lazy and not helping out much.

K. Too lazy to go on. For the 1st time, im super free the next 2 days before camp. Anybody willing to spend time with me? Haha. I guess everyone is real busy this week. My classmates has prom. Most ppl are either busy preparing for camp or resting at home. Maybe i might slack the next few days. Haiz i hate to slack at home.

Sadly going out other than to watch a movie there's really nothing else. Am too lazy to organise an outing with alot of ppl. I guess even going out for a meal would be great. I still wanna go town to look at timberland shoes. How should i spend my time? Hmm.

Hopefully, i can fill the voidness within me. I feel sad to the point i feel like tearing but i didnt because there isnt really anything wrong.

Hopefully, it is the right method.

Hopefully it does fill.

Cause im just pursuing happiness.

The wrong kind i guess.