Pursuit of Happiness

Im kinda sad and confused really. I don't know how these emotions came about. I have no explanation for it, so don't ask me. I hate it alright. But i can't control feeling out of place really. I just feel odd. Maybe the stress of A's has really made my emotions haywire. I think i'm starting to totally lose control of it. And how to control it? I dont know.

Looking back at the past 2 weeks after A's. I had alot of fun. But, looking back, it could hardly bring a smile to my face. Its not that i didnt enjoy myself most of the time. But i guess more and more i became too unhappy the past week that im just sian. I dont know. It seems as if something is missing. Something. I guess cause i hate feeling close to ppl to realize it might not be so? I hate feeling close and at another moment feel otherwise? Haiz. As one did say, i guess i have too high expectations for closer friends. That it ends up, i'll never have one i truly treat as close. Not in church at least.

I dislike to be non-committal. Was kinda sad and dissappointed to hear that help is needed whenever you want it to. I mean. Come on. Its a 2 way thing, not 1. I feel that this is how i operate. Its either i want to commit myself to helping, or i wash my hands off it. Its probably a good and bad trait of me. I dislike being " not here not there", or to say im non-committal to even many things. To me it's black or white, commit or dont commit. I dont like the idea of "help-me-when-i-want-it". I guess im really just sad that i really wanna help and in a way got rejected.

Was quite in a bad mood today and ended up throwing tantrums around the house, mainly because my mum ACTUALLY bought some expensive speakers without consulting me. I mean, SHE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHETHER ITS GOOD and she spent so much money on it. Im quite unhappy with it lah, especially when ironically han was telling me to get speakers around the price range of the one she bought and i shrugged it off saying she wouldnt. Well, i guess i was proven wrong and i was quite upset about it. Plus i was quite upset about today's events. Haiz. All my old friends from vs has become punks and smokers! I cant stand the stench of the cigarettes stuck in my nose because i have a block nose lah, and it was saddening to see it.

I guess i really HATE sundays!

Got so much i always wanted to say the past week but i totally was too lazy to do so. Children's camp was good, but ended badly, for me at least. And i didnt feel very good throught the camp cause i was the in between helping out but i was totally non committal cause i wasnt suppose to be a counsellor in the 1st place so i ended up just being lazy and not helping out much.

K. Too lazy to go on. For the 1st time, im super free the next 2 days before camp. Anybody willing to spend time with me? Haha. I guess everyone is real busy this week. My classmates has prom. Most ppl are either busy preparing for camp or resting at home. Maybe i might slack the next few days. Haiz i hate to slack at home.

Sadly going out other than to watch a movie there's really nothing else. Am too lazy to organise an outing with alot of ppl. I guess even going out for a meal would be great. I still wanna go town to look at timberland shoes. How should i spend my time? Hmm.

Hopefully, i can fill the voidness within me. I feel sad to the point i feel like tearing but i didnt because there isnt really anything wrong.

Hopefully, it is the right method.

Hopefully it does fill.

Cause im just pursuing happiness.

The wrong kind i guess.