Something seems wrong. Or is it all part of my imagination again? I seriously don't understand how things turn out like that seriously. Is it me or isnt it pretty obvious? Isnt the awkwardness and all the avoiding apparent? I seriously rather thrash things out that to be hanged on the rope awaiting the death sentence. Its like torture really. I thought he gave me the chink in the armor. He warned me it wont be easy. I guess he was right ,and i was wrong. I guess i can't handle it. Can it at least be solved cleanly?

i guess two years of torturing jc drain all the emotional control out of me. Seriously. To most others, it was bad, to me, its beyond painful. Every thought of jc brings sorrow. I guess most wont feel this way so dont be deterred. But i know whats it like in it, being me.

I'm starting to feel all that happened was just a dream that i dreamt. Im starting to feel that thinking God played a part was a mere wishful thinking to fulfill my selfish desires.

Today, i just snapped. I guess everything came out just like what kevin mentioned before in his blog- a Tsunami. Really. It was just like a Tsunami of emotions just hit you. Anything and everything just came splashing at your face. I guess everything just dropped by, said hi, and washed every bit left in me away too. I wish i am not what i am. But i am me. It is time, like august said regarding a different matter, to find me and be me. I am God's. I should meet up to God's expectations and no one else. Not what i think others expectations would be. Not what i think the world 's expectations would be. I guess looking at others, even anyone, can actually make me feel inferior, and i should learn to let go of these. This is me. No hiding it. If others cant accept it, so be it. I should and i should work on it.

Last random thought. Those people who are willing to call me a close friend please stand up and be counted. I think i see 2 hands(except God's). The truth is, 1 wants to be counted, but in actual fact, doesnt treat me so. The other, we simply dont belong to the same click that we couldnt spend most of our time with each other.

But maybe, i should, i should be contented with that so called "1", even with the little time we have, but its hard to be close and not want to spend more time with each other.