Breaking the silence.

Sometimes its just so hard to realize what is the root of the problems. I find it. And no one has the solution. Only steps to take. Its tough. But i guess i have to move on.

Meeting an old friend(who happen to be called nicholas too) on the bus last week make me realize that. its here. Time is up, but surprisingly, God was gracious. He was gracious enough to not let me see what i dont want to see even through coincidences. He was gracious enough to heal me even through just a slight nap, and waking up feeling all relieved. But i have to take measures really. Chien Chong said this last week, repentance requires change.. If theres no change, thats just being troubled, but not repentant. I have to repent away from this problem of mine.

Sometimes its hard to tell someone that i dont want to meet someone.

Thank God for friends. Somehow, i shared to another, even more clearly than i would to any other. But its cause i have a clearer picture of problems and the main root of the problems.

And i just miss this good old days! Feel so happy again! Reliving things that make me so happy again.

Can't wait for tmr, and the day after tmr's tmr, and next week!

I wish i can be relieved of this burden/trouble/problem soon. Its the biggest and the worse. Its killing me, but hopefully God will deliver me.

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
'Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near


Set my heart, O dear Father,
On Thee, and Thee only,
Give me a thirst for Thy presence divine.
Lord, keep my focus on loving Thee wholly,
Purge me from earth; Turn my heart after Thine.

A passion for Thee;
O Lord, set a fire in my soul, and a thirst for my God.
Hear Thou my prayer, Lord, Thy power impart.
Not just to serve, but to love Thee with all of my heart.

Father fill with Thy Spirit, and fit me for service,
Let love for Christ every motive inspire,
Teach me to follow in selfless submission,
Be Thou my joy and my soul's one desire.

A passion for Thee;
O Lord, set a fire in my soul, and a thirst for my God.
Hear Thou my prayer, Lord, Thy power impart.
Not just to serve, but to love Thee with all of my heart.

I wish i could just get down to staying away. I need to be healthy and sane. Its driving me insane/nuts.

Get loss.

I need anti-depressants!

Thoughts From Lies/ Along the road of life i have a friend divine

You know. I just wanna say this. I totally hate this- that a friend is lieing. I want to say this.

its a lie that when other ppl open up to you you will open up to them. Its BECAUSE she is a female thus you opened up. Its selective opening up. A lie!

And thats what a bro/sis in Christ is all abt? BULLSHIT!

And saying all those goody things and all those crap. Abt sharing suffering and all those nonsense.If you dont realize it i'll tell you again. realize you'll ever write only for a gal(gals for that matter) with a post that long with all those goody nice stuff esp when they read. PLS! Such hypocrisy.

Ok i'm being very harsh. But i cant stand you not realizing even when i told you a gazillion times. And i'm not the only one. But pls realize out of what issue i'm unhappy abt. I suffered from your misguided attitudes. Its not abt jealousy. Its not abt who the other party was. It just shed light on the real problem. Its an issue regarding you and me. THINK of what i said earlier, then realize what my qualm is.

I apologize if i was offensive. But pls realize how you've broken A trust,and a friendship that was so impt to me.

Anyway the ending part was out of a repentant heart realizing why the anger. Heh.

Was in a bothersome few days since sat. But just came off a night where i felt, i have not enjoyed myself so much for such a long time. The friendship, the chattery, the cheerful dispositions from a friend, that just makes you realize how dumb accusations of personal sinfulness (self punishment). How impt it is to think of thoughts that are pure. We didnt even talk much of any probs i was facing. Cause they weren't needed. Just needed to get my mind off them. Off all self-punishment, self-pity, self protection. Thats the 3 self problems i realize i facedfrom a book. I just clammed up and embark on these 3 "self preservation" things, or so i thought. What did we do? Nothing special! Go my friends place, study together, chat abt all kinda nonsence, watch youtube videos on hilarious stuff (go check up freezing goats on youtube! haha). If you told me we're doing these things before i went, i wld say so boring and i wont really look forward to it. Actually, i dont look forward to anything these days. All my usual interests have became boring. Everything just seems boring. everything is dull. But you know thats stupid thinking. Its just the way i look at it. How i trust in myself instead of God. God be my focus. Everyday, its looking forward and working towards His 2nd coming. I'm thankful for friends, to walk with me along this road of life! But ultimately along this road of life, i have strength due to a friend divine!

Along the road of life I have a friend divine
Who walks with me and gently leads the way
He gives me joy and makes the darkest night to shine
It is my Lord who won my heart one day

I do not mind the rough and winding pathway
O’re mountain steep, thru’ valley dark and cold
It is enough to know he travels by my side
Along the road that leads to streets of gold

Psalms 43
1 Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.

2 You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?

3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.

4 Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Hmm. Talking to more ppl gives me more and more thoughts. Though i wld say its bad thoughts. But God's natural selection is really the thought that strikes me. They are reality check thoughts. But gonna keep thoughts to myself. Mum says i reveal too much in blogs. :-p

The moment i walk down that hall, the moment the security guard greeted me from afar with a loud voice, recognising me the moment i came in, just started the whole process of reminescing. Well, it WAS the place i have been 5 and a half days a week for 3 months. It WAS the time where i really enjoyed every moment of my time there, looking forward to every day of work. The pouring of the fond memories just keeps flowing in. Then how i could remember, yea, how i missed this place, and how long i have not been here! Though, more than half the ppl are no longer around, it still was a great time, reminescing. Of course, there's God's word which i cant forget! ;-p

Yuan said a very true statement. The YF has no more life in it. Ppl are just not there, and the ppl there just dont bring life and youthfulness/fun to it. Everyone is such a workaholic and its just there just because things should happen, not because they want it or enjoy it. Compare orientation in sch's to a yf. SO diff already. No more energy. No more zeal. Just out of plain knowlege and duty. To be honest.

I learned something during FOCUS/small grp this week.
1 Corinthians 10:23-24
23 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not. 24 Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth.

If something stumbles others, don't do it. Causing others to sin can be considered a sin. So build each other up. Maybe this is the key to making decisions. If 1 of the choice will stumble others and the other less likely, then we should choose the former, even though they seem like the same (we think) in God's eyes. No decision is the same in God's eyes. 1 choice is definitely 1 that will glorify Him greater/is not a sinful choice. The other is. But its hard to choose the non stumbling one, really.

I should stop reading.

Somehow, it feels so good, just knowing that im staying away. Like Heath would say, just drop away everything and do something else. Well, at least the joy of serving just makes me so excited, and joyful again. You know somehow i can feel the diffrence know between that warm fuzzy feeling and joy. That warm fuzzy feeling (from a thought of something) just has an unsatisfiable thirst, whereas joy is pure and wonderful by itself. It brings so much satisfaction. And im glad im embracing joy, and doing what i enjoy doing.

And get away from all these things and stop desiring more from these ppl.

I just feel happy leaving this place. But yet to get back to God and the word.

What more can i say? I hate this warm fuzzy feeling. In other words, passion. Nothing wrong with hating it right?

Listen to others, stop seeing.

I learnt a few valuable lessons today, how to ensure im thinking right. Sitting arnd for 3 hours doesnt help cause your thoughts fly everywhere.

I really don't wish the next month/or few to come. But i guess its part of growing up. Its part of the walk. I better get up and start walking. They are struggles, struggles that teaches me to not fall/fall so badly when i meet the same stumbling stone. Once i learn to get over this, its like, come on, bring on the next bigger stumbling stone.

But i realized something impt. I think i really should take steps to keep my mind healthy. And the best step to it is, stop reading, slowly. Rather, stop looking. I hate to imagine what i will see. Actually i was thinking to myself, i should be happy, really happy, cause thats what i wanted actually. Its just that its more painful than i actually could imagine. Much more.

I am starting to love photos. Especially ever since then, i love seeing photos, seeing them at my desks under the glass panel is cool! But to think that, everything else happened in that span of time is scary. And anyway, i hope not to hate it, cause they can be photos of scars. Cause photos speak a thousand words.

Sounds so emotional. But they're impt thoughts, thoughts to keep me sane. Anyway, theres lots to be excited abt! YFC here i come! Its time to do what i enjoy doing. Serve where its my calling. And be myself again- nothing, but full of smiles.

Oh, but i better correct fear of rejection. XD

Heh. I thought i was feeling better. It really just takes any 1 of those scars to occur, and i'll be aargh! And i have too many now.

Somehow, its just so painful! Suddenly when something like that occur again, you just feel your heart being torn apart again. Its then that i wish i have totally forgotten. Its very interesting, cause i dont understand why the heart will ACTUALLY feel pain. Hmm. Doesn't quite make sense biologically. Maybe emotionally and psychologically? Hmm.=

Ouch, it makes me immensely down at that sheer moment. After awhile its not so bad again.(Cause its like the next day, andi i got lotsof sleep. :)

Thing to be glad is, r/s with God is improving. Its the thing that really matters. Feel happy and joyful and thankful in much more things again,