Disorientated & Disheartened

I am seriously disorientated. The qns that keeps popping to mind is, What am I living for? What is it in the week that i am looking forward to? What is the next thing im looking forward to? What are my motivations in doin so many things? The whole orientation is off. I look at my week and its like uurggh its another week and i dont see positives in yet another week, but then i qn why? Is it cause i'm not living for God or having the right mindset going through life's daily activities? I'm always looking forward to life's next exciting event- but it should really be looking forward to Christ's 2nd coming. This is something i learned at a prayer mtg last week. I look at my week and am extremely despondent.

And i am starting to feel that i feel better throught the week days than i actually do on weekends. Cause i have expectations of weekends which never actually materialise. I dont know. I am seriously entertaining the thought of changing church, mainly cause i feel out of place and am unable to serve with the best of abilities. The only reason im not leaving is cause im tied down recently by more and more responsibilities. Camp comm, Christmas choir, and special item for reform Sun. I dont know i have these struggles and wanna share in depth with someone but actually dont know who to tell it to. Church has become more and more of a problem. I shant say too much here.

But im increasingly struggling with many things at the same time now. Increasingly sinful, and i wonder whether im increasingly being irrational, or at least this period. At least i was glad to be talking to someone for 2 hrs over the phone just now and im very glad in reading what rachel said in 1 of her messages.

"Looks like you need a dose of happy rachel!"

Another amusing thing happened last fri at work. Colin was going through my photos posted on my desk cubicle walls when he went like "Who is this..."
my reply: blah blah

"who is this...."
my reply: blah blah

" Oh Who is this in black T?"
my reply: *censored*

"Oh do you want me to tear the photo for you?" (LOL!)

And im increasingly being more "worldly". I think i will choose to believe Shirlene that females are liars. They usually lie with regards to certain topics. And yes guys too. I will choose not to believe some of they're words anymore. Everyone lies right? Who is righteous enough to say they dont lie? Yet thats why i should not believe what they say as truth in its entirety. I always trusted ppl to "say the truth". I trusted them to not lie. But i increasingly think i shld be wary and not place too much trust- thats what my mum says anyway.

Liars and Hypocrites! (wait thats me -.-)

close frens i no longer have. Trust i no longer have.

And its interesting to hear comments that some ppl THINK they're rational, but at the same time, they are very emotional too. And to think that they wont mix the two tgt? yea dont seem quite possible. And then starts self delusion by saying that it was a rational decision when it was a mixed one.

I am having a facebook hiatus! I'm totally not gonna touch it for now. The reason is secret for the moment but i dont know i have this irking feeling abt facebook, so i wont!