Questions abt calling

On another point, i really wish to be a leader on the floor, especially for bball and frisbee. I like to give commands and play-make. Its much more fun than any other positions. But, I usually cant take up that role due to a lack of skill. Sigh....

This also makes me think: what do i really want? i‭ was always a confused kid growing up. i can't decide between the arts or Sports. i think i made a mistake of choosing arts. I feel like i wasted my youth not training on sports. But then again, was it all part of God's plan?

Was thinking so much on life career sports and all, 1 thing became very apparent to me: would i choose any of these, or a life dedicated to full time ministry? Somehow, i always feel the latter is the decision i should be making. I might want to find a "best of both worlds" scenario, but I'm quite sure, if i have the choose. The latter should be the choice i should be making. Heard a missionary speak to our youths the previous day. You know every word that he spake of, the challenge to pick up missions just kept begging on the door of my mind (i didnt limit to overseas mind you). There's lots to pray abt, but i have a few big problems. My r/s is God is just bad, and i cant seem to find discipline to do what i know is right/the things that will help me in ministry(qt, prayer bible study etc). I know i'm not ready but, at this state, i wonder to myself, will i ever be ready? The state i am in in terms of faith, i am extremely ashamed of. It just seem extremely impossible that situations will improve. Do i really have the desire to do so? Or is it just me deceiving myself? If the calling is real, why am i not improving/being equipped? Unless it isnt a calling? I dont know. Im confused, as always.

Well, at least i learnt a few tips from the missionary how to better make the many major decisions i have to make in my life(just a very brief one).

Aargh. There is 2 things bugging me. For the 1st, i'm struggling between wanting to think abt it, and wanting to not think abt it. The 2nd, i should be thinking abt it, but i aint.

I really wish to be that someone. I guess you can call it jealousy. But how i'd wish, i'll just be that someone. Haiz.