“谢谢你成为我身命中的一部分”，可是我知道我不陈是你心中的一部分。I dont understand, but i have peace

I was always bitter with myself and my thoughts. But i guess i said i was bitter with someone else to churn out a response. I dont understand why so angry. I dont understand why so harsh. I dont understand why so many things. But it has come to a point of so what? It doesnt matter anymore.

It started from a home. And it ends, before a home.

Ppl have a tendency to mimic the actions of the ppl they like. Only then i realized, who you mimic.

How surprising what difference 1 post and a few smses would make.

Unlike ytdy, which was a big war of emotions, i felt rather alright today. Kinda makes me think that i never really wanted things for myself. A few posts back, i said this:

I would rather die, than to see you get into harm's way.
I would try my best, to not let you suffer.
I would rather die trying my best, than to see you not grow the way God want's us to be, the Christlikeness that He truly wants.
I'll keep trying my best, the best to my ability.
I would rather die trying to make sure you grow stronger in Him than i can ever want, or better, ever imagined.
I would be even happy, if you could marry someone stronger in Him than I am. It would give me great comfort that you'll be in great hands.
Or not, i'll be dead worried if you did not marry someone strong in Him.
I'll just keep trying, until, i might not be needed.

And i dont think i've changed my opinion. I have always wished the best for you. The best of what God has planned for you. I dont know whether its true, but for me, it seems like its beyond the superficial. I would just do abt anything, so that you wont be uncomfortable seeing me. I guess all these started from my mistake. So, ill make amends.

Its not like ive forgotten. Its not like i stop thinking. but i dont know why. I really feel peaceful. God is at work. All is in God's hands. I always told myself, dont be dissapointed. I was ytdy. It is still tingling inside me. But i guess logic sets in. It makes no sense being sad. A burden is lifted off me. And i can just be me and God again. So nice! :) I suddenly feel like i wanna get down to work again and stop wasting time.

John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Bro said this. "Sometimes christians seem like radioactive waves. Being Alpha, Beta & Gamma particles. You sometimes think that you are moving in the same direction, but when you hit an obstacle, everyone except the ones who are Gamma particles are deflected away. Sometimes ppl may seem fervount in ministry and everything, but they just want to live COMFORTABLE christian lives, They dont wanna take up their cross. They are living for themselves, seeking their own agendas(riches and successes) while telling themselves to seek God. Seeking God for help and strength through life's troubles(which every non christian go through) which they call Trials and Tribulations. But they do not actually live for God, where trial and tribulations are really when life is uncomfortable(evangelism poverty tec.), when life has persecution. The last step is always that step of full time ministry, where you're always doing, God's ministry"

Quite interesting, it would seem. Well, it is just an opinion that i guess we share. But i shall not impose this on anyone, cause without me, God will still help them to realize it, if He wants them to. I guess the thing abt faith, just like abilities and talents, is that it is by natural selection. Some ppl are just born more talented, just like how some ppl are just able to hear and understand when God speaks to them. So i'll leave them to God, cause if God opens their ears/eyes, they would understand if its the truth.

Looking back at old posts, makes me think how childish i was. I was like thats me? I guess even now, a few years down the road, and i would think likewise of now. Haha. An old post quote, from THE BEGINNING(somewhere there):

"i juz still feel tt somethings missing everytime i miss it... lol... like part of week is missing...

im missing... (shhh... :-p)"

Its a good time now to be nostalgic for once. Looking back at the silly things ive done. And its just so enjoyable to look back into DBSK again. Haven really heard them for some time. Listening to my favs are just so nostalgic(cause every song brings a certain feeling and meaning), and nice! I was so caught up that i ALMOST forgotten to stop at the stop i needed to. Lol.

The Top 5 Honour Roll(for older songs):
Always there
Holding Back the Tears
Proud
Hug
Tonight

Nostalgia. But i'm so stuck with Haru Haru these days. Listen to it thousands of times the past few days. Oh i forgotten SM Town 2007 and TPL! Better go listien to it!

I burden down, a few more to go! =)

12. When we promise (Always There...)
translation by: Yoonie (also credit: aheeyah.com)

[Youngwoong]
Block the light
When you leave, it has to be dark

[Yunho]
Cover the sun
When you return, I might look foolish

[Micky]
I sit and think at the place where we made our promise

[Choikang]
Will I be able to share the love I have for you?

*[Xiah]
Even if my mind was erased, I wouldn't forget your face
Your face is clear when I am full of sad memories and tears

[Youngwoong]
Even if I emptied my heart, our memories will still hold its place

[Choikang]
Because I'm so sad, so hurt, you're the only one I can see

*[Yunho]
Even if my mind was erased, I wouldn't forget your face

[Youngwoong]
Your face is clear when I am full of sad memories and tears

[Choikang]
Even if I emptied my heart, our memories will still hold its place

[Micky]
Because I'm so sad, so hurt, you're the only one I can see

01. And…(Holding Back The Tears) (Dong Bang Shin Gi)
translation by: o2_intake (also credit: aheeyah.com)

A picture that gets smeared in white
And my fragrance that seems to have faded away
All get concealed by the glaring cloud

My heart that has no words
Slowly starts to move my feelings
Those times that slipped through
Are in my hands

I'm holding back the tears
I walk trying to lessen the weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry

I bring my two hands together again
To a place that will hear it
As I live though these unmemorable times

Though it seems stupid, we’re always together
The pain that I want to let go
Dries the tears that flows through my body

I'm living with my tears
I walk trying to lessen the weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry

I'm holding back the tears
I run adding to the weight of my faith
To a place that is neither high nor low
Where a different me stands again
With a small smile I can laugh