So srry.../But God will lead...

Seeing tt sad expression frm her face… seeing those tears rolling down her eyes… I realize tt shes human too… and tt I do nt treat her as how I treat every other… she is e only one I forever forget to do what I so strongly hold onto… Seeing her breakdown… it juz occurred to me tt oh crap… tis is my weakness… I wld say a gd weakness.. at least I sorta noe I hav to end it… She used to be strong… actually too strong for my liking... tt I hold no barriers… and always e one breaking down is me anyway… cos I dun get e things I want… so she juz stay strong… today.. I was initially thinking.. woah.. she actually didn’t give in even though its 1v3… However… I didn’t expect her to give in in this manner… maybe it’s an emergency secret weapon.. I dunno… but less than 5 min later… shes back to her own fiery self again… and wad do I do… do wad I always do everyday pinky…

Like I can tell her umpteen times,,, which I dun noe whether its gd or bad… correct or nt… I totally dun agree to her authoritarian methods of doing things…. Its true tt we dun do things as we shld… its true tt she is e head… at least for mine… but its nt true tt she hold onto her so called caring… I noe u care… but u noe… we actually sometimes prefer if u dun care… cos its suffocating to be so caring…but pls.. why cant u give in… why do u insist… on things which hav isn’t as unsafe as u tink it is… I do not understand… tts why I fight… I fight for what I strongly believe in.. I fight for what I called its rights… freedom… I noe its never never right… but I cant bear to let it go… im juz unwilling to bow down to ur decisions… I cant bear to say ok I obey… like adrain said.. we’r e both stubborn… yet really… its my stumbling stone… but can I say im willing to bow down… no I cant… I wish I cld… but i….
i…
really am nt willing to…
den how…
haiz…

same for studies… u noe I feel so glad… in a way.. tt I hav a grp of frens pushing me forward to study… Adrian ben and yuan wld be like.. study hard.. go study… yada yada yada.. but e moment I hear tt word… I don’t like it… actually I hate… its something im unwilling to do… its something tt spoils my relationships… it was taboo for e past 2 months virtually for me… sorta… I noe I shld… I noe I shld.. but I cant want it… it stresses me.. it brings me lotsa bad memories and pain…oh.. bad memories.. really ouch when I tink abt it… haiz… I can remember e 2 weeks before promos.. it virtually killed me… what can I do… I noe tt it is a duty… it is a responsibility… it is a means to get something I want…. it is a means to draw closer to… I pray everytime before I study… BUT.. I seriously cant want it bad enuf.. blame it on my character.. whatever… its still me… and I juz cant accept it… I hav no zeal in something I never believe in… I dislike e mainstream idea tt studies is impt… I noe they say ill live to regret it one day.. but I hav no wish to be rich… or anything to be known with blessed with material wealth… I juz want to be average.. tt average person… living in my comfort zone…foolish e world will call me.. foolish I will say they are… but for me to even to learn to do e basic.. its still hard.. I guess for me.. its either my everything… or nothing… tts how I wrk I guess… I never like in between….ill give my everthing for things I believe in… im kinda lost where am I now.. lol.. anyway.. Adrian says im distracted… and yes… I wish I wasn’t… but anyway… distracted frm what? Studying??? I never was… I never focused.. how to be distracted?

Anyway… pls wait… I gotta sort myself up… for how long? I dunno… but God will lead… wadever tt I cant change in my life now.. God will lead.. its nt possible? God will lead… even if its nt true… God will lead…

How I wish… nah.. theres no past for us to go back to.. cos we are always like tt.. rather to wish for something impossible.. is for us to stop argueing… Stop maybe nt… but relationship to improve? God will lead… nt by juz mere words I noe… but by actions too.. actions in faith tt God is leading…

Srry.. as u can see im still nt in e state to blog abt youth camp… haiz.. drag drag drag I m…

Like I said.. dun do tt in front of me… I cant take it either… being an esfp.. ppls emotions afftect me a lot…

If its true.. God will Lead….

I Could Sing Of Your Love
by Jars Of Clay

tis song happen to be playing nw.. and is one of my fav… and it kinda reminded me..

Emo song at e rite time… :-p e non stop rain e last few days seems like is meant for me… So cold e weather.. So cold it is within e hse…