Why Lord?

I wanted to post this a few days ago, but couldnt find the time to.


Its not cause of what you do or what you're good at. Its cause of who you are and what you're like.


But why do i feel like im still chasing a dream? Like the past? why do i feel like its cause you have some special ability? Just like the last one? It is not! It has nothing to do with that. It is cause of who you are.


Why do i feel like im tortured like 2 years ago? though circumstances are vastly different, what happened 2 years ago sank such a deep cut in me. And why do i feel like you're fast becoming the next!


What happened 2 years ago, cant be described in words. I would think of her like every other day, especially in army.  But things didnt turn out well, and i sank into half a year of depression. It may some lame with my current descriptions, but i just cant give too much detail. Thankfully, i didnt have heavy responsibilities then. I just need to eat sleep and move on to the next day. but it was a horrible half a year. The thing that helped me pick up was serving in ministry again and finding joy in playing bball. i would just pick up my ball and head down to court and shoot, and play. I missed the swoosh feeling. Just played it ytdy which made me miss it alot too. But the last one caused half a year of depression.


I thought it made me stronger. I was wrong. I am wrong. The only reason im not crumbling now its cause i have responsibilities that i cant crumble and i have to fight them. But im now in the torture phase. Why? Why you? Why does it have to be like this? Why do you have to be the next? Why do i have to do the same things again and be emotional again. Why does the ugly side of me have to come out and try to eat me up again?


Why cant i take no for an ans? Why does it torture so much? Im missed church because of this- because i cannot resolve it. Its taking my life away. Im going to fail all my exams- and no one will accept this as an excuse of failing. I cant focus, i cant concentrate. There isnt a single day esp recently that you wont come to mind. Its like a sticker pasted into my brain, and i just cant remove it no more.


Unless....


I take drastic measures....


I am totally at a lost. And i cant handle this anymore.


Why have i been lying to myself? Why Lord have you not answered my prayers? Why Lord have you not helped me forget this? Why Lord, does it hurt so much?