Ok. I'll admit. If you didn't notice it, im actually not the least bit happy, though i feel blessed that so many went to celebrate my birthday just now. Partially because of details i guess. Partially i guess sugar rush came but did not became 'high' but rather headache. The rest i shall not say.

I failed to do something.

John 15:12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Self sacrifice, something that i have failed to do. You know i felt bitter with my friends, that i felt forsaken. Well wishes is one thing, help is another. Ok i shall not explain too much or go into details. But ya. I felt forsaken. It is so easy to want things to go the way you want it to, but it won't. God made me realize and to think of these verses, that its better that i sacrifice for others, than for them to sacrifice for me i guess. I am just so bothered all these while on why people will not do something out of their norm even to just do something with me.The biggest thing that really hits me is that it speaks alot on how much i mean to them i feel. I guess its so easy to say no to things that they believe its not beneficial to them. I guess its so easy to be selfish. But me too. Though i can use words to cover how i really feel, i actually can't get myself to "be noble"(though i actually hinted).

Somethings i really don't get it. 1 moment its left, 1 moment its right. Which way do you truly wanna go? My mum just used a phrase to describe it best.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

These are the things i have to settle with God, or not i'll be sleeping through my problems, and thus sleeping alot because these things bother me so much, and i just sleep to avoid it. I whole night im unwilling to wake up to live in certain thoughts. Now i realize, its sin. Just some more things to share.

John 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.

I read this from a book on the definition of true love that Jesus gave us. True love isn't some warm tingly feeling. I guess thats passion. Other than the 2 verses that i mentioned earlier which gives 1 aspect of true love, which is self sacrifice, the 2nd and probably the most important is probably commitment, and obedience to God. You think making sacrifices is hard, obeying God can be even harder. So the definition of true love(theres actually more i guess from the bible) is self sacrifice, commitment and obedience to God. Which part of it is a feeling? Their all 'tasks' rather than feelings. Rather than love being not a feeling, Jesus just wants to show us than contrary our beliefs that love is a feeling, it actually requires doing. The phrase "love is a verb, an action. It ain't a noun. Its more than just a feeling." is thus given more meaning i feel. More personal thoughts.

I feel that relationships are more important than tasks. Though tasks are important to do to maintain a relationship(eg pray to maintain relationship with God), they are not more important than a relationship. What is the most important thing as christians? Having a personal relationship with God. Tasks are important, but i guess to me im convicted that relationships and people are more important, thus maybe thats why im people-oriented.

I wish i can settle these things in my mind soon, but i guess i cant. The challenge to me is to wake up EARLY tomorrow fired up to study with so many questions in my mind(remember im someone who gets bogged down by feelings alot). I have almost zero motivation to study again. You know i found from lr that the solution to me starting to feel down is by taking a short nap, but my problem at home is, i'll sleep for very long!!!

Just a song to share, that Rui shared to us during lr, which rachel shared to him. :-p The lyrics are great and it means alot to me, especial since i need to sacrifice!!!(the bolded words are lyrics that have special meaning to me.) I was the one who uploaded it to imeem cause they dont have it.

Now playing:

The Day I Lay My Isaac Down
Scott Krippayne

I have a prayer as pure as gold
That where You lead me I will go
And I'll embrace the holy plea
Each time your Spirit calls to me

And in that hour, and in that time
When I must lose my will in Thine
My true devotion will be found
The day I lay my Isaac down

Each sacrifice You call me to
I'll die to self, I'll live for You
Take up the cross, forsake the crown
The day I lay my Isaac down

Your Lamb of Love, Thy blessed friend
Nailed to the altar for each sin
There in my place Your Son was bound
The day You laid Your Isaac Down

Each sacrifice You call me to
I'll die to self, I'll live for You
Take up the cross, forsake the crown
The day I lay my Isaac down

Take up the cross, forsake the crown
The day I lay my Isaac down